Dog Eat Dog

You think that your five-foot-four kindergarten teacher is gonna...

Who is, uh, I don't know, 62, is gonna pull out her AK-47?

Well, not every single person has to be armed and use a gun,

but the more people that have them makes the world a safer place.

So that's a heck of a long barrel.

Let me ask you somethin', okay?

Just in the world and life,

what do you need a barrel that long for?

Great question.

How 'bout it's two o'clock in the morning

and some methed-out lunatic is trying to break into your house

to rape and murder your kids?

What do you do then?

You ever read the Second Amendment?

What does it say, really?

In a well-regulated militia.

You in a militia?

Hey, Vladimir Putin may come here, take off his shirt,

and they have to do something.

Hey, Melissa, what's going on?

I thought we were doing homework together.

I've got some serious issues with this cupcake experiment...

Presenter. This gun is more powerful. What if he's 50 yards down the pike?

Hit you in the back?

Or a half a mile or a mile with a para...

The reason why police officers have guns...

ls he gonna come in the house with this gun?

Is he gonna come in the house with this gun?

Fuck! Fuck!

Hello?

Yes, may I speak to John Aloysius McCain

of 550 Maple Avenue, please?

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm on disability and I can't give you any money.

Oh, that's okay, sir. We're not looking for any donations.

I just wanna get to know you somewhat.

For instance...

what do you do for a living, Mr. McCain?

I... I gut fish.

These cupcakes are killing me.

I am totally not able to get the cupcake experiment on.

I work in a cannery and I got a special knife to gut fish.

Well, that is interesting.

It's like bird cupcake factory time.

Listen, can I call you back in a minute?

No, sir, we can't do that. I just am surprised is all.

Wait, what?

I just didn't know people still had that job of guttin' fish anymore.

I didn't know they still had the job of callin' people at dinner

and buggin' the shit out of 'em, motherfucker!

I...

People at the job, they go off the deep end.

And then what happens?

Whether they're ten years old or 50 years old,

they reach for that...

- Take these. - Oh, thanks for the help.

Oh, shit! You scared me.

Why, am I scary?

I told you, you cannot stay here.

Listen, my car's at the Chevron, the alternator's fucked,

it's gonna take 'em overnight to fix it.

I gotta crash here tonight.

- No. - Oh, come on, Sheila.

I got nowhere else to go.

I just gotta sleep here, and in the morning pick it up,

and that's it, and then I'm outta here.

With my fuckin' Chevron card? No, uh-uh, give it back.

Oh, come on, Sheila.

I'll make some fuckin' short ribs.

Come on, baby. We'll have a nice night.

One last night.

It's not gonna kill ya.

Hey, love birds, did my friend, Hannah, call here

asking about the homework assignment with the cupcakes?

I have no idea.

She did, and you heard her, didn't you?

And you just erased it.

I didn't hear nothin' about no cupcakes!

Just go upstairs and call Hannah, honey.

- So obnoxious! - We'll have a nice night.

We're gonna eat them short ribs.

And then I'm gonna eat your booty, baby.

Don't be nasty.

Go get cleaned up, I'll cook dinner, but this is it, okay?

Tonight is the end.

Okay, scout's honor.

Get the fuck in here! Get the fuck in here!

Get the fuck in here now!

What the fuck do I use my computer for?

Huh? I do three things.

Do my spreadsheets for church.

I do my taxes. And I answer emails.

You know what I don't use my computer for?

This.

Uh-huh, you're gettin' the fuck out now!

- I got nowhere to go. - That's not my problem.

I got a suitcase full of guns. What am I gonna fuckin' do?

Carjack some old guy like some nigger from the projects?

Not my problem! Give me my Chevron card back.

Give me my Chevron card back now!

- I can't do that, Sheila. - Get the fuck out, you fuckin' loser!

Pervert! You drug addict fuckin' pervert!

I've got a daughter in the house! You're a fuckin' loser!

- Get the fuck out! - Hey, Sheila.

You feel like you got problems?

Your problems are over now, Sheila.

What? No!

No, please, get away! Stop!

No, no, no!

No, no, please, don't hurt me! Stop, don't hurt me!

Don't hurt me! Stop!

Okay, as far as I'm concerned,

we are never going to collaborate

on making a really cool, really original cupcakes ever again.

There was me, Troy.

There was Mad Dog.

And there was Diesel.

See, people pretty much can't stand Mad Dog, and I get it, I do.

But what you gotta understand is,

I know this guy in a very particular way.

Well?

I barely knew Mad Dog,

but he knew my parole was coming up and he took this fall for me.

He just did it, like that.

And so, somebody like that? You owe a lifetime.

Oh, Mama.

No, seriously, the smoke.

And you know what?

It worked.

Felt like these huge arms, felt like your mom

givin' you the biggest hug ever.

Oh, man, the way I slept that night.

I got news for ya, Dog.

Havin' somebody blow smoke in your mouth is like...

Diesel is just a guy, you know.

I learned a lot from him.

I didn't go outta my way to fuck with people,

which is more than I can say for Diesel.

Look, I'm just sayin', this guy's a problem.

Been a long-time problem.

For a guy who comes out with felony strikes,

a loan collection group is not a bad job.

Not a great job, but Diesel dug it.

Help.

You have to understand, Diesel is a big lug nut looking dude,

but he's very bright.

In another universe, this guy could've been

a lawyer from Stanford or something.

Unfortunately, we're not in that universe.

There's always something they use.

Your parole officer, your counseling.

Say cheese.

This asshole cop I knew planted 28 grams of coke on me.

An ounce, not a lot, but it was packaged for sale,

which is the part that fucks you.

Bail is denied.

Mom's had a double mastectomy and was on her way out when...

That was that.

We all had our stints.

Once you were in, stayin' out is all but impossible.

And so, with the drug beef piled up

on top of the attempted violent escape,

it was a five to 15 year hit.

We all did our piece at different times,

and I was the last to come out,

so these chaps decided to throw me a welcome home party.

You know what's funny in there?

What you know that's out here and what you don't know,

like Facebook, come on.

We were fuckin' Facebook friends before there was a Facebook.

But the red fucking jeans that hug the Element's leg,

I had no clue.

Get the fuck outta my business.

Should I take care of this guy for you?

Where are you goin'?

I'm gonna kill this fucker right now!

I'm gonna fuckin' kill him!

Stop that!

We're in this together.

We go through that door together, we come out together,

and anything other than that, you're a piece of shit.

You just fuckin' got out, man.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's all cool, brother.

- Didn't mean anything. - Tight, tight, tight.

I'm so lost.

Just move with the music, man.

I... I knew all them little rappers,

you know, them little teen rappers and chicas.

The niggers in there would go off about 'em, right?

Little Romeo and little this and that, right?

But I didn't know who Taylor Swift was.

Who the fuck is she?

- I never heard of that bitch ever. - The fuck do you know, man?

You didn't even know we invaded Egypt.

- Iraq. - Same fuckin' thing.

Goddamn right I didn't.

I didn't even fuckin' know where it was.

Still don't.

I gotta tell ya, man. I appreciate the threads.

Well, shit, I'm not gonna have you comin' out here