My Big Fat Greek Wedding

You`d better get married soon.

You`re starting to look old.

My dad`s been saying that to me since I was fifteen.

Because nice Greek girls are supposed to do three things in life:

marry Greek boys, make Greek babies and feed everyone...

until the day we die.

When I was growing up, I knew I was different.

The other girls were blonde and delicate.

And I was a swarthy 6 year-old with sideburns.

I so badly wanted to be like the popular girls...

all sitting together, talking...

eating their Wonderbread sandwiches...

-What`s that? -lt`s ``moussaka``.

``Moose-caca``?

The pretty girls went to Brownie`s. I had to go to Greek school.

At Greek school, I learned valuable lessons like:

``If Nick has one goat, and Maria has nine, how soon will they marry?

My mom was always cooking foods filled with warmth and wisdom.

And never forgetting that side dish of steaming hot guilt.

Niko, don`t play with the food!

-At your age, we didn`t have food. -Ma?

-What? -Why do l have to go to Greek school?

When you get married, don`t you want to write your mother-in-law?

Niko, come on, eat!

We lived in a normal middle-class Chicago neighborhood...

of tasteful modest homes.

Our house, however, was modeled after the Parthenon...

complete with Corinthian columns and guarded by statues of the gods.

In case the neighbors had any doubts about our heritage...

they could just check out our subtle tribute to the Greek flag.

My dad believed in only two things:

that Greeks should educate non-Greeks about being Greek...

and that any illment, from psoriasis to poison-ivy...

could be cured with Windex.

Six years later: I was 1 2, Athena, my older perfect sister, was 1 5...

and my brother Nick was 1 1. Every morning, my dad would lecture us...

on the history of our people, the great civilization: the Greeks.

Now, name three things the Greeks did first.

-Astronomy, philosophy and democracy. -Bravo! Very good.

Now, give me a word...

any word, and l`ll show you how the root of that word is Greek.

Okay? How about arachnophobia?

``Arachna``, that comes from the Greek word for ``spider``...

and ``phobia`` means ``fear``, so fear of spider. There you go.

Okay, Mr. Portokalos. How about the word ``kimono``?

Kimono? Kimono, kimono...

Of course! ``Kimono`` comes from the Greek word ``cheimonas``...

that means ``winter``.

So, what do you wear in the winter time to stay warm? A robe.

You see? Robe, kimono. There you go.

-Bye-bye. -Good-bye, Mr. Portokalos.

Toula!

You should be proud to be Greek.

Years went by, and dad brought his mother from Greece to live with us...

because we weren`t weird enough.

Listen up, ugly Turk.

You`re not kidnapping me.

-Get her! Where is she going? -Mama, please.

The Greeks and the Turks are friends now!

We told my grandma that war was over, but she still slept with a knife.

Mama!

Stop hitting me!

Niko, be careful! She has a very mean punch!

-Mama! -Please, come back!

Nice Greek girls who don`t find a husband work in the family restaurant.

So, here I am, day after day, year after year...

thirty, and way passed my expiration date.

lt`s freezing!

Fortoula! You closed last night, you`re opening this morning.

l have no life.

Ah, Toula, you talk to me sometime, uh?

Ma, you`re going to make me swallow my tongue.

Toula! ls Nikki here?

-What`s up there? -No, my Nikki.

She was supposed to come over to curl my hair.

Nick, did you check the meat before you signed for it?

-Dad checked it. -lt`d better be fresh.

My brother has 2 jobs: to cook and to marry a Greek virgin.

Voula, have something to eat before you go to work.

If nagging was an Olympic sport, my aunt Voula would have a gold medal.

Taki. You couldn`t wait for me?

-Sorry. Sorry. -``Sorry``. Don`t ``sorry`` me.

Look at this. Rash. Somebody gave me the ``mati``.

-Put some Windex on. -Please, please!

Voula, this works!

Last night, my toe was as big as my face.

So why didn`t you wait for me?

Because... He wants to talk.

Anyway, l tell her l will send her to Greece...

...to find somebody. -Say, is she not too old?

-She`s okay. -ln Greece...

...don`t tell anyone how old she is. -She won`t go!

-She won`t go? -lt`s like she doesn`t want to marry.

Come on, we`re going to see uncle Nick.

My sister married young and became a Greek baby breeding machine.

Look at those!

Quick coffee. l`ll drop the boys off at hockey and then go to the Jewel.

Pantyhose are on for 99 cents.

The priest is coming to bless the new house, so l have to make ``diples``.

Can you believe it? l`m out of honey. Put that back for me.

-Angelo... -Shut up, Nikki!

My cousins have two volumes: loud and louder.

-Thanks, Toula. -We`re not that late.

Oh, Angelo, my boy!

Nikki, how come you didn`t come to curl my hair this morning?

Ma, l had to drop Dimos at work.

And now l gotta go to the travel agency...

because some jag-off and his big-ass girlfriend are too busy.

l open the dry-cleaners every day. lt`s about time she did something.

-You know who`s at the dry-cleaners? -You`re always at the beauty salon...

-My husband. -...doing your nails and your hair.

Don`t you talk about my hair. You and your big-ass girlfriend do nothing!

Did somebody sit on your hair? lt looks a little flat there.

Angelo, bite me!

-Be a lady! -Ma...

-Angelo. -Come on, boys! Let`s go!

-Athena! When did you come? -Hi, ma. Bye, ma.

-Are you going? -l`ll get you pantyhose at Jewel.

No queen-size. They make me look fat.

Who put the menus there?

Toula, what`s this?

-What is this? -l don`t know.

Mama! Mama!

-Don`t forget l need ``diples``... -And the ``pastichio``. You told me.

-Athena, go! My God! Go! -Okay.

-Alright, we`re going to go. -Bye!

-l want to drive. -You drive me crazy. Let`s go!

Watch your step. Don`t run!

-To me, she looks okay. -Okay? What okay? No okay.

She`s not okay. Athena`s married with three children!

And l`ll get married, pops. l promise.

You have plenty of time, Niko.

And you`ll always have Toula to run the restaurant.

lt`s true. Toula will never leave you.

I wish I had a different life.

I wish I was braver and prettier...

or just happy. But it`s useless to dream...

because nothing ever changes.

-Hey, what`s going on? -Hi, man. How are you?

-Good, and you? -l`m good.

-Cool place. -Yeah, it`s adorable.

You missed a hell of a party the other night.

Look at that. That could`ve been you with that arm around her.

You set me up with her already.

-Nancy? -Henson`s picnic.

No, that was Pamela. This is Nancy.

They look the same.

Well, maybe. So, do you want me to set you up?

They`re all the same, Mike.

-Hi. -Hi.

Sorry. My brain just stopped. Have you ever had one of those days?

Going along and then stops. Here l am, your private Greek statue.

-Can l get some more coffee, please? -Sure.

Thank you.

All right, let`s go.

-What do you mean? l just got here. -l know. l`ve got a class, though.

-l loved this spice. What is that? -Like l care. Come on.

l`m giving a pop-quiz and l can`t wait to hear the groans.

Man, you`re tough. l`m giving a test on Hamlet, but l gave fair warning.

Hi.

Keep the change.

-Do you like this? For the new menu? -Where did you get that?

l drew it, dad.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad, l`ve been going through our inventory...

and l`ve noticed that we`ve been doing a lot of unnecessary ordering.

So l`ve been thinking. Maybe we should update our system.

Like, we could get a computer.

l don`t know if you remember, but l got all A`s in Computers.

But there`s a lot of new stuff to learn now, so, if you want...

l could go to college and take a few courses.

Why...

Why do you want to leave me?

l`m not leaving you. Don`t you want me to do something with my life?

Yes! Get married! Make babies!

You look so... old!

Toula.

Toula. Come on, Toula.

l know what you want. You have, how do you say? You have a spirit.

You want to see things, you want to learn.

l know. You`re from my side.

Come on, don`t you worry. l`m going to talk to him.

Dad is stubborn. What he says goes. ``The man is the head of the house``.

Let me tell you something, Toula: the man is the head...

but the woman is the neck. She can turn the head anywhere she wants.

My baby. Don`t cry, don`t cry, come on.

What`s wrong with Toula going to school downtown?

-There is drugs downtown. -What are you saying?

That Toula will get involved with drugs?

No, but somebody will say to her:

``Take this bag down to the bus depot``, and she`ll do it!

-She`s not stupid! She`s smart! -l know she`s smart.

So what for she needs more school? She`s smart enough for a girl.

You think you`re smarter than me, uh?

-No, l mean... You know... -What? What do you mean?

l run the restaurant, l cook, l clean, l wash for you...

and l raised three kids, and l teach Sunday school, you know?

lt`s lucky for me l have you to tie my shoes!

Maria...