Rescue Me

Previously on "rescue me"...

Hoist your glasses,boy.Your friend lou is getting hitched.

Get the hell out.

- Really? - Yeah.

You're marrying your ex-hooker,ex-thief girlfriend,

you don't tell your supposedly,uh,best buddy in the world?

Gee,you know what? And i wonder why I wouldn't do that.

Yo,bust his hole,franco!

As far as I'm concerned,it is either her or me.

Are you trying to say that me and tommy are some sort of a game?

Yes,yes,it is a goddamn game.

You,me,him,us--this whole goddamn thing,

- and now,the jig is up. - Ok.

We got some very smoking ladies here,

and I'd say 70% of them are friends of carla'S.

We got bull dykes.

Jesus christ,I'm banging a gay chick.

We got to get the blonde broad away from that one dyke over there in the corner.

Mind if I cut in?

Come on.

I need to get in there.

Get her out of there!

Thanks,fellas. I'm all set.

That was awesome.

Jimmy.

Bad dream?

Yeah.

Were,uh,sheila and janet and that new chick in it?

You were talking.

Yeah.

Were you banging all 3 of them,or were you--

No.

You got a problem,my friend...

a serious problem.

- What's in the box? - Nothing.

Is it cupcakes?

Maybe.

How many?

18.

18 cupcakes?

And I have a problem?

Rescue Me Season 05 Episode 18

Hey.

Jennifer aniston's ass.

Ok.

I'm looking at her picture here.Opinion?

- On a scale of 1 to 10? - Yeah.

Going,uh,13.

- Oh,really? - Yeah.I got a thing.

For her ass?

Her ass,her elbows,her knees.Look.

Yeah,I definitely got a thing.

- Feet? - Feet,I'm going...21.

- lips? - Lips...

upper lip,42; lower lip,47--48.48.

Interesting. Ears?

You never really get to see the ears,do you?

I think it's because of the haircut.

I love the haircut.

It's like--it's like dream hair. It's like angel hair.

It's like angel hair pasta. I want to eat it.

You're a deeply disturbed man,tommy gavin.

Yeah,well,it's--you know,it's--I think it's part of her mysterious side,

you know what i mean?

It's like,you never get to see--

what if she's got ears that are shaped like vaginas?Wouldn't that be cool?

Because she's not like these other chick actresses where they're just,like,

you see everything and it's all hanging out.

Like,even when she's naked,she's not really just naked.

Like,she was on the cover of "rolling stone"

when she was still on "friends" 10 years ago,

and she was laying on her stomach,

and she was naked right on the cover,but

you could see her ass,but you couldn't see her ass

because it was kind of out of focus. I like that,you know?

It's mysterious,you know?

It's like when she was on the cover of "gq."

She was naked,but she had her nipples covered with her hands

- and she had a long tie that hung down-- - That picture was photoshopped.

What do you mean,she wasn't really wearing a tie?

No,I mean all the normal nooks and crannies of a real chick--

you know,stretch marks,little hairy moles,thigh dimples--all erased.

Thigh dimples? Cellulite.

Oh.I like thigh dimples better.

That's probably because you have a couple,don't you?

Hey,where's pillow lips?

- Pillow... - Pillow lips.

Can you help us out there a little bit,honey?

The puerto rican hunk that had me in a bear hug the night of the fire.

- I want to thank him. - Really?Why don't you thank me,

because I'm the one that you kicked in the balls,which kind of hurt.

Sorry,but that's not really helping me find pillow lips,is it?

So could you please maybe just run along and try to track him down for me,ron?

My name's tommy.

Yeah,but you got kind of a ron howard thing going on.

Ron howard?

Ron howard with--with hair?

- Yeah,I see it. - See?You go,girl.

Look.I'll leave my number.

Tell puerto rican brad pitt I want to meet him for a drink.

Yeah,look.Uh,brown brad is,uh--

is pretty well spoken for.

What the hell was in that box the other night?

Yeah,yeah,what was in that box the other night?

- None of your business. - Oh,ok.Well.

It is our business.We're fire guys,and,you know,you were--

- you're running into a fire-- - Nobody's talking to you,opie.

What about the other cute guy?

- The black one? - Yeah,he's taken,too.

Yeah,he's dating my daughter.

So you're married?

- Sort of. - Already way more than i wanted to know.

What about the dumb guy?

Mike?You talked to mike the other night?

We locked eyes for a couple seconds.

And from that,you knew he was dumb?

God,yes.That boy is completely empty.

Nothing going on up here,which is good

because it cuts down on the witty repartee bullshit.

How are his abs?

You know,I--I just want to say that what you did the other night was extremely dangerous.

- No shit. - Yeah.

Yeah.

But it was awesome.

I mean,my heart was beating,like,

a million miles a minute.

You guys must have a blast doing what you do.

You know,I always knew that you were--you were,you know,

special and brave and all that bullshit,

but I didn't really get it until I did it myself.

What about the vampire?

- What vampire? - The pasty,skinny kid.

He looks like one of those "twilight" assholes.

- Damian. - Damian?

That's perfect. He even has a vampire name.

Yeah,ok. He's 21 years old.

I love it.

I'll be a bloodsucked mrs. Robinson.

Hey,did you guys use my body wash?

Hi.

- Oh,you're the,uh-- - I'm the,um...

hot older chick who saved her own ass in the brownstone fire the other night.

Hey,listen.Um...

are you free tomorrow night?

Um,for?

Drinks,dinner...

- is that vanilla? - Uh,yeah.

- I'm trying out this new cologne. - You should wear it tomorrow.

Call me for the time and place.

See you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Wow.

No shit,wow.

Hey.

Is this that,uh,kim kardashian?

- Yep. - Classic.

So that's reggie bush?

No,no,no,the dude is,uh,ray J.

Ray J.Who the hell's ray j?

- He's a rapper. - No,he's not.

He's like a discount usher.

Usher like what? Like works in a ballpark?

Lou's a little behind the times.

He thinks 50 cent is half a dollar.

Hey,in today's economy,50 cents is worth half a quarter.

All right. So let me get this straight.

So world-renowned running back

reggie bush is dating a girl who has a sex tape out

featuring her having sex in almost...

every possible position...

with another guy?

Shit.

This videotape is probably the reason why he called her up in the first place.

I mean,I got to tell you,it beats the hell out of eharmony.

Hey,look at that booty.

Big as a house.

Yeah,it's gonna be as big as a shopping mall by the time she's 35.

Oh,make that 32.

Yeah,everybody out.

- Out. - All right.Let's go.

See you.

So is there anything you want to say before I lay this out?

You think I look like ron howard?

Ron howard? What,you mean opie?

Crazy,right? These guys...

Well,you know,I don't know.

I mean,you may be a little,like,opie-esque--

you know,if opie grew up in red hook

and his mom had sex with satan.

All right,here's the deal,op.

I am not here to dig up the dead or unravel the messy mistakes we've made,

ok?I just want what is best for the kids.

So katy is gonna leave the house permanently in 5 years.

So 5 years is what I'm asking for,ok?

We stick it out together that long as mom and dad.

You stay in your own place,but when she's around,

we act like we've been acting.

Ok?Because I want her to have a sense of security for at least that long.

So what do you think?

5 years?