Doctor Dolittle

Will you stop your daydreaming, Tommy Stubbins?

Hello, Matt.

Come and help me select a suitable dinner for me clients here.

Can I push the barrow?

Well, it's not about to push itself now, is it?

It's against my religion to do anything violent till the end of the day.

God bless all Irishmen.

You know what I was thinking, Matt?

No, what was that? Not for you, me darling.

It'll make your fur fall out.

I was thinking that if you sold your fish barrow,

and I sold my grandfather's watch,

we could buy a boat and go to China.

Oh. Oh, you're the middle and two ends of a fine fellow, Tom.

It's a beautiful proposition, but don't you see the problem?

What's that?

- Well, do you speak Chinese? - No.

Then, if you sell your grandfather's watch, and we go to China,

how are you gonna tell the time?

I never thought of that.

Ah, well, you see, you have to plan ahead.

It's very important.

I mean, the whole secret of my success with the fish barrow

was years of planning ahead.

Thank you, Charlie.

May the 17 holy men of Donnybrook reward you in heaven.

I'd sooner you rewarded me down here.

- Who's this then? - Wild duck off the marshes.

Is that a fact?

Flew straight into the mast, cross-eyed fool.

Can you imagine that now? He was probably under the influence.

He looks Irish to me.

Don't worry. I'll fix him up.

Bring him back. That's my dinner.

Now don't ask me to do that, Charlie.

As Secretary for the Preservation of Irish Ducks,

it's more than me job is worth.

You never told me you were secretary of Irish ducks.

Oh, well, now I don't talk about it much.

- I'm a very modest fella. - What are we going to do with it then?

Well, as soon as I finish me deliveries, we'll take him over to John Dolittle.

- Here. - Who's John Dolittle?

Eat hearty, me lovelies.

- Heaven bless all Catholic pussycats. - Who is John Dolittle?

John Dolittle is the greatest animal doctor in the world today

and a close personal friend of Matthew Mugg.

He lives right here in Puddleby, he does.

- Out on the Oxenthorpe Road. - What does he do?

He's a genius. That's what he does. He can talk to animals.

- Talk to them? - Speaks their language, he does.

Just like you and me's chatting now.

He'll have a word with that little fellow in wild duck talk

and put him straight in no time.

Oh, the darlin' man.

He'd think nothin' of travelin' halfway round the world to cure a sick sparrow.

Only last week, he went all the way to Africa.

Ask me why.

- Why? - Why? I'll tell you.

To look after a crocodile with toothache.

He's altogether a marvelous man.

And he understands the Irish.

Of course you would.

Here, Tom, catch!

What was that?

Ah, now, that's just some of his pets.

Pets?

Polynesia, me lovely little darling.

Give us a kiss then. Here.

And, Chee-Chee, how are you, me old rascal?

I'd like you to meet one of me dearest friends. Master Thomas Stubbins.

Tom, this is Miss Polynesia.

How do you do, Master Stubbins?

How do you do, Miss Polynesia?

You wanna watch out for her, Tom. She's 199 years old.

She can remember every single word that's been spoken to her

since the execution of Charles I in 1648.

- Isn't that right, Polynesia? - No, Matthew, 'twas 1649.

Thirtieth of January, to be precise.

'Twas a Tuesday.

Oh, yeah, right. You see what I mean?

And this is Chee-Chee.

How do you do, Chee-Chee?

- Where's the good doctor? - He's working in the library.

Show them in, Chee-Chee.

I know he's in there.

Good heavens, Matthew.

Oh, I'm terrible sorry.

I must have frightened them out of their lives.

Matthew, you're soaking wet.

You're a little on the damp side yourself, sir.

Oh, it's these fish languages. They really only work underwater.

It's fascinating.

The basic system is mouth movements and bubble signals.

At the moment, I can only make big bubbles,

and they keep telling me I'm shouting.

Beggin' me ignorance, sir,

but what can you hope to get out of a conversation with a goldfish?

Matthew, I'll show you.

The legendary great pink sea snail.

For hundreds of years, sailors have claimed that they've seen it.

Oh, poor devils. It's that rotten stock they drink.

But, uh, what has this got to do with goldfish?

I don't believe it's legendary. I believe it actually exists.

What's that got to do with goldfish?

Well, I'm planning a voyage to find it.

That is, if I can get enough money together.

Oh, may the saints reward you, sir.

But, uh, what's that got to do with the...

Well, if I find it, Matthew, I'm going to want to talk to it.

Therefore, I have to acquire a knowledge of ancient shellfish,

which is extremely complicated.

So, I'm starting with basic fish languages,

like halibut, mackerel and goldfish.

Ah, there, you see? I knew it had something to do with goldfish.

Now, about your last voyage, Doctor.

Did, uh... did you find the crocodile with a toothache?

Crocodile? Oh, yes, in the Congo.

Yes. I got back on Saturday.

Look.

Isn't that a beauty now?

Make a marvelous bottle opener.

Look at that, Tom. Oh, forgive me, Doctor.

- This is me ol' pal, Tommy Stubbins. - Oh, hello, Stubbins.

How do you do, sir?

- He's brought a patient for you. - It's a duck, sir.

It's a drake.

- You're sopping wet too. - Yes, sir, it's raining.

He's hurt his wing, sir.

Yes, so he's been telling me.

Oh, quack, quack. Oh, poor chap, yes.

Sorry.

Quack, quack.

Oh, he had a row with his wife and wasn't looking where he was going.

He told you all that?

They're very neurotic creatures.

You'll be all right by the morning.

Yes, I'll get word to your wife.

Quack, quack, quack.

Now, while our friend's convalescing,

I'll try and find you something dry to wear.

Then, we all can have some food together.

- Polynesia, two more for dinner. - Yes, Doctor.

Oh, and, Matthew, hold on to that crocodile's tooth.

Must be a bottle somewhere you can open with it.

Gob-Gob.

Will you please stop making that infernal noise?

A few pork sausages and a bit of bacon.

The way you're carrying on,

you'd think we were cooking your entire family.

Chee-Chee, make him behave.

But you can hardly blame him for being a bit upset, Doctor.

I'd be upset meself if you started frying Irishmen.

You know the problem as well as I do, Matthew.

I've nearly 600 mouths to feed, including the mice.

- Six hundred! - Yes. So if the butcher

gives me a string of sausages now and then, I take it,

whether it upsets Gub-Gub or not.

Anyway, he eats more than any of us.

Sure you won't be having anything?

- Quite sure. Thank you, Matthew. - Aren't you hungry, Doctor?

Yes, but I follow a very special diet, Stubbins.

- It's highly nutritious and very good. - Oh, I see.

The doctor's in rather an awkward position, you see, Tom.