Murder, She Wrote

Roger, is that you?

Roger?

Roger, please!

For God's sake!

If this is some kind of a sick joke...

Cut! Lights!

Still too long.

We've got to pep it up, people.

All right. Second act in ten minutes.

We open tomorrow night. I don't intend to close the night after.

Ladies, this is a private rehearsal.

No outsiders.

Uh, Mr. Cellini, you did as us to meet you here.

And why would I do a thing like that? I don't even know you.

We're the refreshment committee.

From the PTA.

Oh. Yes, yes. Uh, the cookie ladies.

George! George, will you sharpen up that last cue?

Please, see me after the rehearsal.

Mr. Cellini. I just love the show.

- It's so... mystifying. - Gave me the goosebumps.

Oh yes. And I'm sure no one will ever guess

the uncle is the killer.

Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute!

- - Hold it, lady. Hold it!

Hold it. Uh, whatever made you think the uncle is the killer?

Well, isn't he? How delightful. I was totally fooled.

Yes, as a matter of fact, he is the killer.

- Miss, uh... - Mrs. Fletcher. Oh and this is,

this is Mrs. Hoey, in charge of punch.

And this is Mrs. Thompson. She's brownies and macaroons?

- Macaroons. - Charmed. Charmed.

Look, uh, somebody slipped you a copy of the script, right?

Oh no. No, but when the uncle showed up after the party

wearing a different tie,

obviously he changed it for a reason.

And then there was the phone call from the coroner.

I mean, he couldn't have known about that.

Not unless he'd overheard the conversation between

the doctor and the priest.

Oh, silly of me. Here I am, explaining your play to you.

I'm so sorry. Come on, girls.

We'll catch the second act tomorrow with everyone else.

George!

Get me that idiot of a writer. I want to talk to him now.

- Hello? - It's Grady, aunt Jess.

Grady? What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter, aunt Jess. Everything's terrific.

Nothing's terrific

at 6:23 in the morning.

You didn't lose your job with that fish person, did you?

Nope, the job's fine.

Oh, what a relief.

You know, you really should tell that Captain Caleb

to do something about his food.

The girls and I tried it last Friday,

and, honestly, it isn't very good.

Aunt Jess, I'm only an accountant, not the cook.

Anyway, that's not why I called.

You remember the last time I came to visit?

Well, I found your manuscript, and I read it.

I hope you don't mind.

My book? Of course I don't mind.

But I certainly wouldn't want anybody else to read it.

Oh, uh... well...

you see, not only did I read it, I gave it to a friend of mine

who showed it to coventry house and...

and well, you see, aunt Jess, they want to publish it.

What?

Oh, dear. No!

I thought you'd be pleased.

Well, I am not pleased, Grady. I'm not a writer.

Look, I was just filling time after your uncle died.

I didn't dream for a minute...

that's the trouble, aunt Jess. You've never dreamed.

And it's about time you did.

Oh, be sensible.

Look, just because somebody wants to publish my book

doesn't mean anyone will bother to read it.

It's all been arranged.

They've booked you on The Today Show,

David Letterman, Phil Donahue.

Phil Donahue?

Donahue? I may die.

These publicity junkets, they come with the territory.

Yes, but what would I say?

I mean, I'd just make a fool of myself.

Ah, come on. They'll love you, just like I do.

Well, maybe just for a day or so.

That's terrific.

Oh, uh, look, I got to go. The Captain's called a meeting.

I'll see you in the morning at the station, okay?

Oh, yes. Uh, good-bye.

Jessica, are you really going to be on television?

- I'm afraid so. - Not like that, you're not.

Oh, what's the matter?

Jessica, millions of people will be watching.

- You have to look now, with it. - Au courant.

And those tweeds... have got to go.

Are you sure she caught the train?

Positive. Very organized lady, my aunt Jess.

She's precise and punctual.

There. What did I tell you? Aunt Jess!

Oh, there's my nephew now.

Aunt Jess!

Thank you so much, Daniel, for all your help.

Oh, no, Ma'am. My pleasure.

Well, I certainly hope that your boy gets that scholarship.

Well, thank you, Ma'am. And you have a nice stay.

- All right? - I will. Oh, Grady!

Aunt Jess.

Look, I hope I look all right.

But you know, the good Lord never intended for me

to look like a barber pole.

What are you talking about? You look great.

Oh, my heavens. What a relief!

Oh, aunt Jess, this is Kitt Donovan.

She works for the publishing company

in public relations.

You must be the friend who's responsible

for getting me into this.

- Guilty. - Well, nevertheless,

I'm delighted to meet you.

Oh, it's a pleasure, Mrs. Fletcher,

Grady's told me so much about you.

Isn't that a coincidence.

Grady's told me absolutely nothing about you.

Now, when do I get to meet this publisher I've heard so much about?

Uhm, in about 20 minutes.

Oh, and believe me, Mr. Giles can't wait to meet you.

Jane, I have to talk to the accountants.

If Mr. Templeton calls, ask him meet me here at 3:00.

- Yes, Sir. - Excuse me, Mr. Giles. Uhm...

Oh, good Lord! Mrs. Fletcher, can you forgive me?

I had a dozen crises already this morning.

Oh, well, I certainly wouldn't want to be your 13th.

We must have dinner and get acquainted.

I'm sure you're just as delightful as your book.

Kitt, coordinate with Jane, will you?

Uhm, it is so good to meet you.

And I do hope you enjoy your stay in the city.

Do you eat apples?

- What? - You really should, you know.

Pectin. It's very good for the complexion.

You look very gray.

Well, actually, I've, uh, I've not been sleeping well.

- Apples. - Yes, uh, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Fletcher.

- If he wasn't so busy, I'd... - Oh, no matter, Kitt.

I didn't come here to be wined and dined.

Well, shall we have a go at the inquisitors?

Well, uh, actually, I never suspected

that my book would be published.

I really wrote it...

well, for my own enjoyment, I guess. You know, like,

like some people needlepoint or paint and...

Then you have no pretensions to having created "literature."

How refreshing in an era dedicated

to the beatification of the trivial

and the canonization of the mundane.

Well, on the other hand, people do seem to enjoy it.

The people. Yes.

Well, of course, we both know, dear Lady, that it takes

very little to please the folks from Dubuque.

How else do you explain television?

Oh, I couldn't.

Television is your business... not mine.

Oh, my goodness. Eight copies. You must be a real book lover.

To whom shall I inscribe them?

Just sign your name and the date, honey.

This is just an investment.

If you ever become somebody, they might be worth something.

The fact is that I never intended

to have the book published.

Uh, it was all my nephew's idea.

Hey, isn't that something. She got the idea to write.

- The book from her nephew. - Oh, no, no.

- That isn't what I meant at all. - Let's see.

It's 23 past the hour and we're sitting here

with that famous writer, Mrs. Jennifer Fletcher.

And, uh, back with more of your calls

right after this word from Henry's Fur Storage.

I'm sorry, honey, but we're just dying in here.

Oh yes.

It's a little... Maybe you're living with somebody.

How about a prison record?

Anything?

I, for one, Mrs. Fletcher,

was delighted by the feminist thrust

you were able to weave into your storyline.

That really wasn't my intention.

Oh, nonsense. I suppose what I liked best of all

was your courage in choosing the pregnant ballerina as your killer.

Oh, I really don't think you should reveal that.

In too many of these books,

women are merely ornaments and sex objects.

As a person with decoration...