Brooklyn Nine-Nine

This job is eating me alive.

I can't breathe anymore.

I spent all these years trying to be the good guy,

the man in the white hat.

I'm not becoming like them.

I am them.

Hey! What are you doing, weirdo?

I'm doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco.

Or actually,

ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco.

What's up?

Get it together, man. Okay?

So the store was hit about two hours ago.

They took mostly tablets, laptops, and cameras.

Sorry.

I'd like a list of all your employees,

whoever had access to the store.

I'd also like to apologize for my partner.

His parents didn't give him enough attention.

Uh, Detective...

I already solved the case.

We're looking for three white males,

one of whom has sleeve tats on both arms.

And how do you know that?

I had an informant on the inside.

He's been here for years.

Watching, learning. Waiting.

His code name?

Fuzzy Cuddle bear.

He's a nanny cam.

You got lucky.

No, I got here five minutes before you

and figured that in this gigantic electronics store,

there had to be at least one working camera.

Oh! Hi, bad guys!

You did it, fuzzy. You busted 'em.

It's time to come home.

I'm not sure if I can.

I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am.

I have seen terrible things.

I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons.

All right.

Detective Santiago!

Don't walk away from me!

Yes, I did crack the case.

So, Santiago, would you do the honors?

Ohhh!

I hate this!

Ah, yeah.

I hate this.

And you're just gonna add one.

I'm winning.

It's a good feeling.

It's a good feeling. Yeah.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

I will!

JP, update on the Morgenthau murder?

Yeah! Good news for all you murder fans.

Earlier this morning...

Someone decided to shoot and kill

luxury food importer Henry Morgenthau.

Body was found by the cleaning lady,

during her interview, I deduced, using expert Detective work,

that she had something super gross on her chin.

I think it was flan.

Charles thinks it was flan.

I think it was butterscotch pudding.

Maybe it was just old person gunk.

You know how old people always have that gunk on them.

Oldie gunk. Could be, yeah.

Anyone else?

How about we focus on the murder

and not the old person gunk?

Crime techs are at the scene now.

We're heading back when they're done.

Okay, I want you on this.

It's gonna be priority one for the new C.O.

Wait, tell us about the new Captain.

Captain Holt will be here soon.

He'll wanna introduce himself. Dismissed.

Hey, Gina.

You know any scalpers?

I wanna ask Rosa to go to the Rihanna concert with me,

but it's sold out.

Okay, two points to make here.

First, Rihanna...

You...

And then Rihanna.

Yeah. What's your second point?

She's got a type.

Which is really anyone but you.

Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type too.

Look, a Rihanna concert's a pretty big swing, man.

- I don't know. - She's into watching old movies.

Cool. Where would I find a place that shows old movies?

Oh, yeah, just go on the Internet

and search for the phrase "I want to buy two movie tickets

for a girl who doesn't like me."

- Great. Thank you. - Good.

Hey, you heard anything about the new Captain?

Uh, no, and I don't care.

I just wish Captain McGintley never left, he was the best.

He was terrible.

You just liked him 'cause he let you do

anything you wanted.

On your marks, get set...

Go.

What the hell's going on around here?

Fire extinguisher roller chair derby?

Okay.

And go!

Yeah!

What's your point?

If I'm ever gonna make Captain, I need a good mentor.

I need my rabbi.

Sorry, dude...

But this new guy's gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher

who's only concerned with...

Following every rule

in the patrol guide.

Meep morp zeep. Robot Captain Engage.

- Is that what you think? - He-hey!

New Captain alert.

You must be the new C.O.

I'm Detective Jake Peralta. Great to meet you.

Now don't let me interrupt.

You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be.

I'd like you to finish.

That's not necessary.

Or I could recap very quickly, sure.

Um, let's see.

I think I said some joke

about being a washed-up pencil pusher.

- Now do the robot voice. - Which...

The robot voice you were doing

when you implied I'm a rule-following robot.

I wanna hear it again.

Meep morp... zarp.

Robot.

- That's a terrible robot voice. - Yep.

The next time I see you,

I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.

Oh, actually, the last Captain didn't care if we wore ties.

Well, your new Captain does.

And more importantly,

he cares that you follow his direct orders.

Everyone,

I'm your new commanding officer,

- Captain Ray Holt. - Speech!

- That was my speech. - Short and sweet.

- Sergeant Jeffords, a word. - Yes, sir.

I love that guy.

Same!

He's so suave.

Does anyone get a little bit of a gay vibe?

No? Okay.

Sergeant, you were in the 1-8 with me...

Though you were significantly...

Fatter, sir.

They called me "Terry Titties."

Because I had large, uh...

Titties, yes. I remember.

I never liked that nickname.

Though to be fair, it was accurate.

What's this I hear about you being on administrative leave?

A year ago, my wife and I had twin baby girls.

Cagney and Lacey.

They have adorable chubby cheeks.

Ever since, I kinda got scared of getting hurt.

Lost my edge.

There was an incident in a department store.

Hey, man, you okay? You look a little jumpy.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Ahhh!

I think he's dead.

And I'm still not right.

Tell me about your Detective squad.

Um...

Well, Scully, Hitchcock, and Daniels.

They're pretty much worthless,

but they make good coffee.

Copy that.

Now the good ones.

Rosa Diaz.

Tough, smart, hard to read, and really scary.

Tell me who has me for secret Santa.

No! That takes all the fun out of it.

It's Scully. He got you a scarf.

- I'll make him return it. - Yes, you will.

Charles Boyle. He's a grinder.

Not the most brilliant Detective,

but he works harder than anyone else.

He's not physically gifted.

Oh, man! My muffin.

Ahh!

Oh, my head! My muffin, my head!

And I stepped on the... On my muffin!

And my head and my muffin.

Amy Santiago.

She's got seven brothers,