Signed, Sealed, Delivered

IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU THEY'RE LEAVING YOU,

YOU'D THINK THAT

THEY'D STOP CHECKING

EVERY LETTER THAT COMES THROUGH FROM FRANCE.

I KNOW YOU POURED YOUR WHOLE HEART

INTO THAT BOOK.

THANK YOU, CORA.

I THINK IT'S BEST IF WE DIDN'T DANCE TOGETHER.

WHAT? WHY?

UNTIL YOU'RE SO OLD

ALL YOUR TEETH FALL OUT!

UNTIL YOU'RE SO OLD YOUR TEETH

AND FACE FALLS OFF!

FACES DON'T FALL OFF! THAT'S JUST CRAZY.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

YOU ARE!

UNTIL ALL YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT!

YOU ARE. UNTIL ALL YOU HAIR FALLS OUT

AND YOU'RE BALD AND YOU LOOK LIKE AN EGG.

UNTIL ALL YOUR HAIR AND YOUR EYEBROWS FALL OUT

AND YOU LOOK LIKE A ROTTEN EGG!

GOOD MORNING, MY CRAZY GIRLS.

HELLO?

MORNING! HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

MAGGIE.

IT'S CARRIE ATKINSON.

DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

CARRIE?

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE THE--

HONEY.

MY DEAR.

I NEED A FAVOR, MAGGIE.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

MS. MINER.

OLIVER. HOW ARE YOU THIS MORNING?

WELL. HOW ARE YOU?

I AM ALSO WELL.

THAT'S GOOD.

YES, IT IS.

HEADS UP! COMIN' THROUGH!

RITA, ARE YOU ACTUALLY--

ON ROLLER SKATES...

...IN THE U.S. POST OFFICE?

WELL, I READ ALL 12 ISSUES OF INTERNATIONAL DELIVERY MONTHLY

FROM 2012 YESTERDAY,

AND IN IT THERE'S AN ARTICLE ABOUT HOW THEY USE ROLLER SKATES

IN THE MAIN POST OFFICE IN FINLAND,

AND GUESS WHAT?

THEIR DELIVERY RATE IS UP BY 47%!

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SO, HOW WAS YOUR BALLROOM DANCE SHOWCASE ON FRIDAY?

THERE WAS AN UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT

AND WE WERE FORCED TO CANCEL.

FUNNY.

THAT'S NOT QUITE HOW I REMEMBER IT.

WAS UNEXPECTED, THOUGH.

HEY! HOW DID IT GO?

WITH... THE... BRONCOS

THIS WEEKEND?

DENVER BRONCOS ARE A FOOTBALL TEAM, NORMAN.

THEY HAVEN'T PLAYED SINCE FEBRUARY.

GOOD TO KNOW.

I'M NOT VERY ATHLETIC.

WELL, APPARENTLY, RITA HAS DECIDED TO BE.

YES! WE ARE ALL JUST FULL OF SURPRISES, AREN'T WE?

THEY DIDN'T DO THEIR DANCE.

PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE, NORMAN?

A HIGH-GRADE, REINFORCED,

CORRUGATED SHIPPING BOX,

POSTMARKED A WEEK AGO, MARKED "FRAGILE,"

"THIS SIDE UP,"

MISSING A LABEL.

RETURN ADDRESS MUST'VE BEEN PRINTED ON THE LABEL, SO.

NO IDENTIFYING MARKS.

WELL, NOTHING HERE TO CONVENIENTLY SEARCH OR TWEET.

GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO RELY ON GOOD OLD-FASHIONED INTELLECT?

OKAY.

IT SAYS "MAGGIE."

SENDER IS FEMALE.

HANDWRITING TAPERS OFF, WITH A LIGHT TOUCH.

BUT THERE IS A NOTE

ON THE BACK, MALE HANDWRITING--

"THIS ENVELOPE HAS BEEN..."

MY.

"THIS ENVELOPE HAS BEEN INCLUDED

"AT THE REQUEST OF, AND BY PRIOR ARRANGEMENTS WITH,

THE DECEASED."

WHAT IS THAT?

WELL, IT APPEARS TO BE THE MISPLACED ASHES

OF THE DECEASED.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, I THINK THE QUESTION MIGHT BE

"WHO IS THAT?"

MY NEXT-DOOR-NEIGHBOR GOT LOST IN THE MAIL ONCE.

HE WAS TRYING TO SEND HIMSELF TO FRESNO.

FOR CHRISTMAS.

I'LL RUN A COMPREHENSIVE SEARCH

OF LOST-AND-FOUND CLAIMS FOR THE PAST WEEK,

WITH A FILTER FOR "ASHES" AND "URN."

THIS WON'T TAKE LONG. WATCH AND LEARN, NORMAN.

OKAY.

NORMAN, PLEASE TAKE NOTE

THAT A SENSITIVE MATTER SUCH AS THIS

REQUIRES GREAT... SENSITIVITY.

ALL WE DO NOW, NORMAN,

IS WAIT FOR THE POSTAL LOST-AND-FOUND PROGRAM

TO FIND A MATCH.

OUGHT TO HAVE IT IN JUST A MINUTE,

AND WE'LL HAVE OLD HARRY, OR HARRIET,

BACK HOME BY LUNCH.

ZIP. ZAP. BOOM.

ANY MINUTE NOW...

ANY SECOND.

HAS ANYBODY SEEN

MY 1946 INVERTED-PINK PELICAN STAMP?

IT WAS JUST HERE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT RITA'S FAVORITE FOOD

IS THE JERUSALEM ARTICHOKE?

I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

AND HOW IS IT THAT YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE ON HER APPLICATION

FOR THE "MISS SPECIAL DELIVERY PAGEANT."

HEY! THIS IS AN APPLICATION

FOR THE MISS SPECIAL DELIVERY PAGEANT.

REALLY? LET ME SEE.

NO! NO-NO-NO, NO!

PLEASE, GIVE ME THAT BACK.

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

I SAW IT AND I READ IT,

AND I'M SORRY.

YOU SIGNED UP FOR THE PAGEANT?

NOT YET.

BUT YOU SHOULD.

THIS IS WONDERFUL.

IT IS?

YES! WE ARE 100% BEHIND YOU.

AREN'T WE, NORMAN?

YEAH. RIGHT BEHIND.

THERE SHE IS.

MISS SPECIAL DELIVERY OF 2014.

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT IS AN URN FULL OF HARRY.

OR MAYBE HARRIET.

WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. AND IT ONLY TOOK A MINUTE.

ISN'T TECHNOLOGY WONDER--

...FUL?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

NO CLAIMS, NO INQUIRIES.

NOBODY'S LOOKING FOR HARRY.

OR HARRIET, FOR THAT MATTER.

MY UNCLE HOWARD HAD HIS ASHES PUT IN A BIODEGRADABLE URN

WITH A TREE SEEDLING IN IT,

AND WE PLANTED HIM.

NOW HE'S A SAPLING.

REALLY, NORMAN?

WHEN HE GROWS UP, HE'S GONNA BE A DOUGLAS FIR.

MAYBE HE'LL BE A CHRISTMAS TREE SOMEDAY.

ALRIGHT.

WE HAVE TWO ADDRESSED ENVELOPES.

ONE TO A "CAITLYN ATKINSON"

AND A "VANESSA DOHERTY."

AND THERE'S A LETTER,

WHICH READS--

"DEAR MAGGIE,

"THE TIME HAS COME AND HERE I AM.

"I'M ENCLOSING BOTH LETTERS FOR YOU TO MAIL

"AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS.

"AFTER ALL WE SHARED,

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I TRUST WITH THEM.

"THANKS FOR BEING THERE WHEN IT MATTERED MOST.

"THANKS FOR KEEPING YOUR PROMISE.

YOUR FRIEND, CARRIE."

THAT'S VERY SAD.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

IT MEANS SOMEBODY NAMED CARRIE

SENT HERSELF TO SOMEBODY NAMED MAGGIE.

YEAH, AND I BET THE ANSWERS ARE IN THOSE LETTERS.

MS. MINER?

WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

I TRACKED THEIR ADDRESSES TO PHONE RECORDS.

CAITLYN ATKINSON ON PEARL STREET,

AND VANESSA DOHERTY-- CHERRY HILLS.

THAT WAS FAST.

EASY. I USED MY COMPUTER.

AND MY BRAIN.

YES.

LEAVING A MESSAGE FOR A MS. CAITLYN ATKINSON.

THIS IS THE DEAD LETTER OFFICE

FROM THE UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

...WITH REGARDS TO A PACKAGE WE RECEIVED.

RITA! THE DEADLINE TO SIGN UP 00.

PLEASE RETURN OUR CALL... - TODAY!

I KNOW, BUT IT TOOK ME 3 DAYS TO ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS

AND FILL OUT THE ESSAY, AND--