Are You Being Served?

'Ere!

I do not answer to "'ere", Mr. Mash.

All right then, oy!

- Did you put in an order for 27 galvanized buckets?

- And what would I be doing in Ladies' Department

with 27 galvanized buckets?

This is Ladies' Department, not a farmyard.

Well, you could be milkin' a Jersey.

Mr. Mash.

Ah, good morning, Captain!

Sorry I can't salute you, Sir.

I am trying to ascertain, Sir,

who ordered 27 galvanized buckets.

Obviously nobody on this floor.

- Well Hardware denies all knowledge of 'em.

I know, I'll try Musical Instruments.

Mr. Mash, please.

Sorry, Captain.

Mrs. Slocombe, what should I do

with these crochet barries?

Oh, say, oh!

We've had these for years.

I think they were a special offer for the Jubilee.

- It says here, it's worn by Princess Margaret Rose.

Oh yes, oh they were very popular.

Well if they were so popular,

how come we got so many left?

- They were only popular with Princess Margaret Rose.

Two and eleven pence, three farthing.

We can't put that.

Well with our devaluation, inflation,

desemilization, purchase tax, VAT,

oh, put "unrepeatable at 40p".

- Put "as worn by Princess Anne, at badminton".

You can't wear these to play badminton!

Oh, give over.

Are you being served, Madam?

Yeah, no, I'd like to try

one of these Princess Anne hats, please.

Oh, certainly, Madam.

They've just come in!

Oh, thank you!

- Oh, oh, very becoming, isn't it Miss Brahms?

- Yes, they're all wearing them for badminton!

Oh no, that's supposed to be four--

Supposed to be four pounds fifty,

but they've been reduced.

Well that's quite reasonable

according to today's standards.

Yes, Madam, we think so too.

Sale, Miss Brahms.

The combinations are pre-shrank, Sir,

but it is advisable to wash them in lukewarm water.

Yeah, or better still, no water at all.

My old granddad used to send his combinations

to the dry cleaners, you know.

Well I rinse mine in the bath,

then let the wind dry them.

Must be pure magic in your ass.

There we are, thank you very much,

good morning, Sir.

Thank you for your custom, Sir.

Can I help you, Sir?

Soh!

Soh.

Can I help you, Sir?

Soh!

Soh.

Um, you wantee buy?

- Soh! - Soh!

Mr. Lucas, chop chop.

Forward, Mr. Lucas.

Credit card!

Ah, soh!

You, Mr. Kato, I, Peacock.

Soh!

Soh.

This, Honorable Mr. Humpries.

Humpfries, soh!

Soh.

And this, Honorable Mr. Lucas.

Rucas, soh!

No, no, Lucas.

Rucas.

No, Lucas.

You must understand, Mr. Lucas,

that this gentleman is Japanese,

and he has difficulty getting his tongue

around his Rs.

You know, I would've thought

it was just a matter of practice.

- What does the customer require, Captain Peacock?

I'll try to find out.

- Yes, of course you were out East, weren't you?

Hm.

Whatty wantee?

Cotafalane!

Cotafalane!

- I think the customer wishee raincoat, Mr. Lucas.

Ah, "laincoat!"

Ah, soh!

Ah, soh!

Scusee, phony-lingy.

Men's Ready

Mr. Rumbold for Captain Peacock.

Doesn't sound like Mr. Rumbold.

- I'm Mr. Rumbold's new temporary secretary.

Mr. Rumbold would like to see Captain Peacock in his office.

- In that case, I shall acquaint Captain Peacock

with Mr. Rumbold's wishes.

Oh, you're very obliging.

Only to a point.

Captain Peacock, Mr. Rumbold's office, chop chop.

Would I please get them off.

- The letters, you wanted me to catch the post.

Oh yes, no, what I meant was,

what was the last thing I said in the memo

to young Mr. Grace?

Ah,

"I am both flattered and honored

"that you are considering me

"for the vacant paste on the beard of doctors."

Vacant post on the Board of Directors.

Sorry, my shorthand.

"Of course, I would readily accept if selected.

"Signed, Yours Crawly."

Yours truly!

I'm sorry.

Yes, well that will be all.

Do try to be a bit more accurate, Miss Ainsworth.

Yes, Mr. Rumbold.

I want that to go off tonight,

I don't want any correspondence delayed

the way it was yesterday.

Of course not, Mr. Rumbold.

It won't be like last night,

I promise I'll have it off before I go.

Good, well done.

You have to be very firm

with these girls these days, you know.

You seem to be getting results.

There, sit down, Peacock.

Thank you, Sir.

Now, as you probably heard, Peacock.

Oh yes.

Yes, as you've probably heard,

Mr. Theobold is retiring from the Board of Directors

due to continued ill health.

Yes, two bottles a day I believe.

Well, that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, they've been preparing a short list

of suitable people with the necessary qualifications

and requirements, which are of course drive,

experience, integrity, et cetera.

And it thought it right, only right,

that you should be the first to know,

and so that's why I sent for you.

Well, of course it doesn't come

as a complete surprise to me, Sir.

And I need hardly add that I'm both flattered and honored,

and if selected for the post, would readily accept.

Um, Captain Peacock,

I feel I should explain that I'm the one

who's being considered, and if I do get the job,

I was intending to recommend that you should take over here.

I see.

- Well you don't seem too pleased about it.

Oh I'm not at all sure

that a clerical job is right up my street.

I do so enjoy having the friendly personal contacts

with people, and...

On the other hand, I'm not sure

that I would entirely miss it.

£17.50, Sir, there's your receipt,

and your credit card.

Soh!

Yes, oh my word.

You've got a cross on your fate line.

Closs, closs on flate line.

Me ready handy-pandy.

Ah, yes.

Yes, cross means accident.

Yes, cross means, uh, crash.

Crash mean clash!

Yes, something like that.

Me no need clash, me got credit card.

Yes.

Go home, go home.

Sayonara, soh.

Yes, cuanto le gusta.

What's all that rubbish

about a cross on his fate line?

- Well, there are certain times when I see things.

Oh yes, and I'm not usually wrong.

Some Japanese kamikaze pilot

has just tripped up in me buckets

and fell down the stairs!

No, he'll be in Haberdashery by now.

Let them deal with it.

I think I'd better go and check.