The Starving Games

Hey, Kantmiss!

I am the great and powerful--

Aah!

Dale!

Just wanted to surprise you.

You made me miss my shot.

Ow.

Son of a bitch! My back!

Look what I got.

Is it real?

Ohh! Psych!

It's gag bread!

Look at you.

Right.

You know...

we could run away from here.

We could live someplace else.

Like where?

Anywhere that's better than here.

Darfur. Syria.

New Jersey.

Dale, that's--that's romantic and all...

but I can't leave my sister.

I can't leave either.

My dear, old grandma depends on me to feed her.

God, I am never having kids.

I mean, how can you raise a child

in a world where they televise

all of life's misery and inhumanity and then pass it off

as some sort of twisted entertainment?

"The Hunger Games."

"16 and Pregnant."

Good morning,

hungry citizens of District 12.

In today's news, we still have no food,

and the weather will be shitty.

Oh, and don't forget,

today is the Gathering Ceremony,

so, parents, please bring your beloved children

to the square for a random death lottery.

Thank you.

I heard that some kids are so afraid

of getting picked for the Games

that they'll actually try to get disqualified

by injuring or maiming themselves.

That's an urban legend.

Uhh!

Get in line.

Oh, come on, bitch.

Ipso facto p--

Your movie franchise is over.

Get back in line.

Get back in line.

Bloody dick.

Hey, no talking.

Keep it moving.

I gotta find my sister.

Good luck.

Petunia. Kantmiss.

Hey, Mom.

I'm scared, Kantmiss. I'm scared.

Hey, hey, don't be. I got you this.

It's the most courageous bird that there is...

a chicken.

When you wear this, nothing bad can happen to you.

Shh. Shh. No, don't cry.

You're gonna be fine, okay?

I promise.

Keep moving.

Line up!

Girls on the right. Boys on the left!

Welcome to the 75th annual Starving Games.

Oh. Oh! Ohh!

Hey. Ohh!

But that was my sausage!

And now a video from our esteemed leader,

President Snowballs.

He once killed his own mother...

because she forgot to cut the crust off his PB&J.

His only Facebook friend is Mel Gibson.

He has an online blog

that gives away the endings of movies

without ever using the disclaimer "spoiler alert."

What? He is...

the most terrible man in the world.

I don't always like beer,

but when I want one, I choose Tres Equis.

Tastes like piss water.

Aah!

Every year, I make you watch this video,

because, well, you're dumb.

People forget how in the past

shit really hit the fan.

Corporations got too big, and people lost trust.

They staged sit-ins. They rioted.

You elected Lady Gaga as President

and her running mate Nicki Minaj.

That's why we wear these kooky clothes now

and have bizarre hairdos.

Then I took over

and separated the country into districts

so that stupid shit never happened again.

Aah!

You've proven that democracy doesn't work,

and I'm here, in my sixth self-proclaimed term,

to ensure that all free will is expunged,

never to rear its ugly head again.

Yes, that brings us to today.

Just to prove what a sick, sadistic prick I am

and how you have no control...

and admittedly after watching "The Running Man"

and the Japanese cult hit "Battle Royale,"

I came up with the Starving Games.

Two kids from each district are selected

to play a game to the death with only one survivor.

The winner is to be showered with a bounty,

including an old ham...

Oh, I love old ham.

this coupon to Subway--

buy any foot-long for a six-inch price--

and...

a partially eaten pickle.

So happy Starving Games,

and may the odds be never in your favor.

A President Snowballs production.

Now let the gathering begin! Ahem.

Hugh Janus.

Hmm?

No? Yeah. All right.

I'll pick again. Heh.

Phil Mahooters.

Please, Phil Mahooters?

Dean Gullberry.

Everyone look around.

Check behind you for a Dean Gullberry.

This is being televised around the country!

You won't be laughing

when two of you are picked and thrown into the arena

for your most certain deaths.

Ahem.

It's okay.

Petunia Evershot.

Whoo!

Yes! Yes!

I didn't get picked.

Hoo-whoo!

Hoo! Whoo! Yeah!

Whoo! Come on! Gimme some.

Yeah. One more. Oh! Whew.

But I got picked.

Petunia, I am so sorry.

Petunia, no. Not fair.

Do not give me those puppy-dog eyes.

I volunteer!

Oh.

I volunteer for the Starving Games!

Thanks, big sis.

Oh! If you never make it back from the Games,

can I eat your pet hamster?

What?

Come, dear.

Now let's pick a boy to join you in the games.

I volunteer also!

Who said that?

I did.

I'm Peter Malarkey.

Oh.

Hey, Kantmiss.

I volunteered because I like you,

a lot, and I-- I'm sorry.

Do I know you?

Um...