Curb Your Enthusiasm

I'm drowning. I'm gonna die.

And somewhere... 'm not religious at all,

I said, "God, help me!"

- And I'm deposited, right on the beach! - Oh, my God.

I went swimming that day for some reason, something drew me to the water.

Why, I don't know!

You know, I was like a baby drawn to the nipple.

You know? Or an adult drawn to the nipple.

Either way, right?

- You know what I think, Larry? - Is that divine intervention?

- Unbelievable, Larry! - Is that not divine intervention?

You know what I think, Larry? I think this happened for a reason.

Yes. Yes, I think so too. It happened for a reason.

Now, maybe you'll start to be more respectful to people,

- treat people better. - I'm respectful to people.

Larry, eh-heh - What, what "eh-heh"?

- Whatever! Whatever! - I respect people.

- I'm very nice to people. - Yeah, fine.

So, anyway, huh, amazing?

- Is that amazing? - Awesome.

- True story, every word! - Awesome.

- To life! To triumph. - To life.

- Yeah. - To triumph.

To life.

- Are you going to temple for the high holy days? - Yeah, of course.

- I think I wanna go to temple this year. - You do?

Well, yeah. I mean, given what happened and everything.

Don't you think I should be there?

Yeah, it's a great thing, but you gotta get your ticket like,

six months in advance, it's a tough ticket to go to high holy days.

Well, why should I need a ticket to go to temple? It's crazy.

I'm not saying I justify it,

but you need a ticket, and I've got my tickets.

- How am I gonna get one? - Um...

You know what? I'll make some calls,

- and if I hook one up, I'll call you tonight. - Okay.

- We'll see. - Look at this thing.

Look, you ever see a handle like this on a cup? What's the point of this?

- It looks like a pretend teacup. - Yeah, look.

Look, you can't get your index finger in there. What's the point?

Yeah. I like watching you do that.

There's something I want to tell you.

I went by Leo's Delicatessen. You know what's up on the board?

A brand new sandwich called, "The Larry David."

- What? Get out of here. - Swear to God. Swear to God.

- Leo named a sandwich after me? - Leo named a sandwich after you.

- You're kidding. - Yeah. Yup, yup, yup.

- I can't believe it, I'm on the board? - You're on the board.

- What is it? - Let's see, there's white fish,

- sable, capers, onions and cream cheese. - What? What?

- That's the sandwich? - Yeah.

- You got a sandwich! - That's a disgusting sandwich. Really?

All right. I'm gonna get something to eat. I'll see you in a minute.

Okay. Look at this.

- Sorry. - Oh, boy.

- Oh, my gosh. Oh, what happened? - He bumped me.

- Did you bump into him? - No.

You bumped into me.

- You didn't bump into me? - Larry, please.

- What happened? - Nothing.

- Ready to go? - Yeah. You ready?

- Hey. - What?

- We're gonna take off. - What? We carpooled with you.

- I'm not ready to leave yet. - It's enough already.

Larry, what the fuck?

- I'm having fun. Jeff, they want to go. - We want to go.

- You want to go? We carpooled here. - Yeah. No, we want to go.

We're not ready to leave, Jeff. He just got his food.

All right, listen, you'll get a ride. If you don't get a ride, you give me a call.

- Fine, yeah, you'll be hearing from us. - Yeah, you'll come back and get us.

- I will. I'll come back and get you. - I believe that.

- Larry. - Call me Mr. Tits.

Larry.

Don't answer that.

That might be Jeff, calling about the temple tickets.

I don't care.

- I don't care. Come on. - No, no, this is kind of important though.

- Well, he'll call back. - No, I told him to try and find out.

- Hello? - Hey.

Made some calls but no go on the tickets.

- What a bummer. - Yeah, I'm sorry.

But you know what? You can always try for a scalper.

- Really? They got scalper tickets? - They usually do. Yeah.

- Expensive? - I have no idea.

- All right, I'll get some scalper tickets. - Get some scalper tickets.

- I'll just go down there and try and get some. - Yeah.

- Okay, thanks for trying. - Sure, man. I'll talk to you later.

- Okay. - Bye.

- Get off. - What?

- Get off of me. - What are you doing?

What am I doing? What are you doing?

What? What's the big deal? What?

Why'd you have to answer the phone?

Because I told you I was expecting a call.

- Why? So what? I mean, I'm... - Jesus.

- Good night. - Oh, right.

Mustn't interrupt intercourse.

Oh, sacred intercourse, can not be interrupted.

Everybody, quiet, quiet for intercourse. Don't disturb the intercourse.

Tell you something. This is some kind of sandwich, my friend.

It's the first time I really grelled, really swelled up with joy.

- Look at that Larry David sandwich. - Yeah.

I really fell from this. It is something that makes me prouder than anything.

All right, all right. Hey, I don't even like it.

- What? - I don't like it.

I... Whatever you said just now, you mumbled it.

Which is something you do, you do a lot. You do a lot of mumbling.

You don't have a lot of respect for speech.

You could speak a little clearer, it wouldn't hurt anybody.

I... Laughing in my face.

- I don't have respect for speech? - No, you don't.

- I do. I respect speech. I disagree. - Sure you do.

Look who's here, hey!

- How are you today? - Hey, Leo.

So good to see you!

- Oh, and Mr. David too. - Fuck.

- How are you, sir? How are you, huh? - I'm fine.

- Huh? - Yeah, fine, fine.

Leo! First of all, I wanna thank you,

for putting me up on the board.

Having my own sandwich.

Larry David sandwich, huh?

- Wait. Yeah, look how proud he is. - No trouble.

It is my pleasure, to put the Larry David sandwich up on the board.

- It's such a wonderful thing. - You like it, yeah? You like it?

- What is this, "eh"? - You know...

Not really a big... Not really a big fish guy, to tell you the truth.

This is the best white fish in the whole wide world.

- No other place got this white fish but me. - Yeah, I'm sure it is.

But I'm more of a, you know, pastrami, corned beef kind of guy.

Could I get a pastrami, corned beef thing?

You are to white fish, sable. Period.

- What do you want me to do? - What about tongue?

No tongue!

Hey, let me ask you this, okay?

What if I got somebody to switch sandwiches with me?

- To switch with you? - Yeah, maybe, you know,

Ted Danson or something.

- What do you think about that? - Okay, I tell you what I'm going to do for you.

If the Mr. Danson say "Okay," okay, you can switch.

- All right. - Okay, if I can do it, I can do it.

- I'll see you at temple. - All right. Okay.

Jesus. That guy almost broke my hand, with that shake.

You don't whisper to me, please.

I said he almost broke my hand with that hand shake.

You know, sometimes, once in a while...

if you're pleasant to people...

if you... (choking)

What's the matter?

Take a drink of water. Take some water.

It's okay, Pop. Everything's gonna be all right.

I got your glasses.

Well, your dad has had a mild stroke.

- Really? - Yes, he's going to be fine.

I've got him lightly sedated right now, and he's resting.

But he's doing very, very well and it's nothing for you to worry about.

- Okay. Okay. - Absolutely.

My feeling is we need to do a little corrective surgery.

I don't know exactly when.

- But we'll have him here for a while. - Okay.

- He'll get much better. - Hey, let me ask you a question.

My dad and I were eating in the deli earlier and...

Actually, they named a sandwich after me.

- No kidding. - Yeah. I got my own sandwich.

That is great!

I'm up on the board. The "Larry David", if you go in there, you...

Oh, I see that on the menu, you know, everybody's got their sandwiches.

Yes, but, you know, the bad news is that, I can't stand the sandwich.

- Between you and me. - What is it?

I see you recoiled a little bit there. Was it a breath thing?

- No, no, not at all. No. No. - You put your head back a little bit.

- Anyway, is it...? Here's my question. - Okay.

Is it possible that the sandwich...

could've had something to do with the stroke?

If the sandwich was caught...

and he started choking and couldn't breathe,

and then became fearful, I guess it's possible.

It could raise his blood pressure.

His life is not threatened, he's fine and he's resting.

The sandwich caught in his throat could have given him this.

How do you like this? Eating a sandwich.

Do you mind if I...?

You know, I'm a big fan of Seinfeld.

- I don't know if that bothers you or not... - Why would it bother me?

- It was a wonderful show. - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I'll tell you what. I'm gonna do your father's surgery for you.

I'm chief surgeon here, usually I delegate it to somebody else,

- but I would be happy to do this for you. - Thank you.

Now, you're a golfer, right?

So, would you like to get together Friday?

I can't believe that sandwich might have been responsible for this.

I'm so sorry.

White fish.

Why did he have to give me white fish?

So many other sandwiches.

Pastrami, tuna. I would have taken tuna.

Even with the mercury.

What stinks in here? (Sniffs)

You know what? I think you smell from the onion.

Want a mint? Take a mint.