Santa's Slay

I'd better get a Kate Spade bag this year.

And none of that shopping-mall, chain-store shit.

Settle for nothing less than Prada, girls.

Gwen! Don't be telling my kids that.

I'm trying to teach them some values.

You're getting Kate Spade.

Hey.

What does Gwenie want from big ol' Santa?

Just a faithful husband.

What's the second thing she wants?

You know what I'm thinking, angel?

- What, darling? - L was thinking,

"Dear God,"

don't let this bird taste like a shoe like it did last year.

"Let it be tender and moist just for once."

Yeah, moist. That would be nice.

It's called "foreplay."

I don't wanna screw the bird. I wanna eat it.

I swear to you she dehydrated this turkey from Thanksgiving.

Come here, Scribbles.

You try it.

Scribbles.

One potato.

- Ooh, Virginia. - Two potato.

Oh, that's a good one.

Three potato.

Let's dig in.

Listen, you half a fag!

I'll stick this fork in your eye!

Why don't you beg Santa for a pair of balls?

Beth, say grace.

Dear Lord,

thank you for the bountiful food that you've provided for us,

and that our loving family can be together this Christmas.

Also, thank you for not making us poor

or Samoan.

Thank you for Maxim Pharmaceuticals,

the latest M-Class,

and let those that are less fortunate work harder.

Agh! Whoa!

Oh my God! My stocking!

Is that...

Santa?

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Whoa!

Daddy!

Who are you? What are you doing?

You want some?

Help!

No, Santa! No!

I've been good!

What the hell is in the Holiday Hoagie?

- Turkey, cranberry, stuffing and mayo. - What? Slow down!

And stop smacking on that damn chewing gum!

Yeah, uh...

turkey, Raisinettes, Cheerios, cranberries,

gummy bears, Altoids...

Oh, you're being cute, you little shit.

Just give me the roast beef plain, none of that lean crap.

You're just as loony as your crackpot grandfather.

I hope you haven't inherited that old codger Yuleson's Christmas spirit.

Tell that boob to put some Christmas decorations up.

How're you doing there, Mrs. Talbot? How are you?

That's a roast beef sandwich. That's $4.75.

- That's with a senior discount? - Yes, it is.

What a hustle!

Would $4.50 make you any happier?

$4.50.

All right.

Here you go.

And have a very happy holiday there, Mrs. Talbot...

Don't use that political language shit with me.

It's Christmas. Wish me merry Christmas.

I'm sorry. Merry Christmas, Mrs. Talbot.

Thank you, and go fuck yourself.

What a fuckin' whore!

What a pleasant lady.

Move, bitch!

Get outta the way!

Suck it!

Woo haa haa haa haar haa haa haar

What you gonna do tonight, you having Christmas dinner with your grandfather?

My grandfather isn't a big Christmas guy. Besides I haven't even seen much of him lately.

How about you?

I don't know maybe I'll go over to the twins house for there annual Look at all the designer presents we got fashion show.

Unless you know of anything better.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!

I got you two a little something to show my appreciation

for how hard you two work here.

- Thank you so very much, Mr. Green. - This is for you, this is for you.

You're so very welcome. Open it up.

Open it, open it, open it!

- Thank you so much for the snow globe. - Ha Ha Ha.

- That's okay. - Wisconsin?

Yes, and Wisconsin's beautiful rolling farmlands, see?

I know how much of a kick you got

out of the Delaware globe I got you last year, so...

And what did you get?

A clock. Thank you.

It's not just a clock. This is a Games lllustrated Clock.

You can tell the time in all the 25 time zones.

Look, in Mexico City,

you got Frankfurt, you got New Delhi,

Hartford... a place called Rik-a-vikia.

I don't know where that is, but you can tell the time there.

That's wonderful and great. Thanks so much, Mr. Green.

Go ahead, get outta here. It's Christmas Eve. Stop working. Go.

- Here, I got it. - Thank you.

- Bye-bye. - Hey Mac, is this yours?

Mark my words, Nicholas, you will never get me.

Thank you, Mr. Green.

Do you want a lift home?

Thank you! No.

How about now?

No I'm cool.

Now

You've got it tuned to the Great One!

99 FM... Hell's best hip-hop station.!

99 FM's Christmas Eve forecast calls for cold, cold, cold temperatures,

so throw another Yule log on the fire.

Near freezing in Hell and pretty much the same can be expected

for those of you planning on rocking out with Hell's Bells...

You don't care too much for Christmas, do you?

- I've never had much reason to. - Why?

I don't know. It's always disappointing.

Like I'd want an Optimus Prime or Castle Grayskull,

and I'd always end up with a stupid mini-bake oven or something.

Grandpa.

Grandpa, are you home?

It's Christmas eve so that can mean only one thing!

The granddaddy of all the pre-Christmas balls.

We have an excellent mach up for you this evening

The fighting insurance salesmen of south-west North Dakota state University.

Versus the lowering state golden shower.

Its been seven years Karl since the insurance salesman have had a taste of the golden showers.

And the key to that mach up Bill and all the...

Grandpa?

Grandpa, is that you?

- Agh! - Whoa!

Doggone it, Nick!

That's the second box of bulbs I've dropped tonight.

What in the hell are you doing? Why didn't you answer me?

Don't be throwing the word "hell" around all willy nilly like that.

I live in Hell, for Christ's sake.

True.

That's way you dare not use the Lord's name so indiscriminately.

One of the lights in the bunker went out.

I flipped the switch. You know, I couldn't remember

whether it was on or off position.

And so I had to turn the power off just to change the light bulb.

Bunker? What are you talking about?

Aw, are you kidding me?

You're not on another one of your wacko inventing binges, are you?

Is this why I haven't seen you for the last couple of days?

Yeah, I've been busy.

Nicky come here come here come here, you got to see my latest!

Here put this one on first.

Here you go and then this one.

Alright There you are then this goes up and hoo, then you'll need these.

Chipmunks?

Oh I left it on 78

Robert Gulay

Can you put the Chipmunks back on?

What exactly an I wearing, I mean why is this thing so heavy?

Well I was gonna call it record man!

But then that seemed so generic, so I took a page from you Mr Batfarmer.

I'm gonna call it the back wax pack. What do you think?

That name sounds like a problem most people don't want. I'd shelve it.

Maybe if it was more compact!

Hey, what's this?

Uh, be careful there. That's a nutcracker.

I can see that. Lt just seems a little Christmassy for you.