Outsourced

Oh. Ho-ho-ho wow.

Oh, man. Look at you.

why are you all dressed up?

I'm dressed up for Diwali, man.

Oh, yeah, right.

You don't know what Diwali is, do you?

Todd, come on.

It's the biggest holiday in India, man.

I know what it is.

I just think it's become

A little commercialized, you know?

It shouldn't be about buying stuff.

It should be about celebrating the birth

Of the baby Diwali.

There is no baby Diwali, is there?

Uh, laughing cow? Crouching tiger?

- Flying monkey. - Okay.

There does happen to be a flying monkey.

But I feel like that guess came from a bad place.

So what is Diwali?

It's the holiest day of the year.

- It's a huge celebration. - Huh.

Yeah.

Madam, do I look like a tourist?

Do I have a fanny pack?

No. So don try to rip me off with your prices,

You sewage goblin.

Oh, Rajiv, is everything okay?

Good morning, sir.

I am in the process of buying my vimi

A new sari for Diwali.

- That's beautiful. - What?

This, uh, dish rag? This cage liner?

If the silk worm who gave his life for this sari

Could see what you've done with it,

He'd spin a tiny noose and hang himself.

5,000 rupees is my final offer.

Ooh, big spender.

Make it 6,000 and I will throw in

Some extra fabric for you to stuff your pants with,

You eunuch.

Madam, as anyone who has seen me in clingy trunks can atst,

I am no eunuch.

This negotiation is over.

I thought you were gonna get the sari.

Shh. Wait for the mouse to find the cheese.

If they do not wish you dead after the transaction,

You've left money at the table.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I will accept your price.

Even if it means my family will go without food.

I love the holidays.

? ?

Okay, thank you very much. Good-bye.

Wow. You guys look amazing.

Oh, thank you, Todd.

This is a compliment machine.

This morning, I struck up a conversation

With a woman on the bus

And she told me I was "driving her insane."

hot.

Happy Diwali, sir. I made you some barfi.

Oh, so there's barfi in that box?

Yes. And it's still warm.

Oh. It's, like, a cake thing. Wow.

Oh, Madhuri, I'm sorry. I didn't get you anything.

I-I-I had no idea what Diwali involves

I mean, everyone's dressed up. And there's gifts.

Oh--oh, my god.

Higher! Higher!

Whoa, whoa, Rajiv, stop that.

Guys, guys, take that down.

Rajiv, what is wrong with you?

This is unbelievably offensive.

Sir, this is an ancient hindu symbol meant

To bring good luck.

Really? 'cause historically, I don't think it works.

"swastika" is a sanskrit word. The nazis stole it from us.

Okay. Well, fine.

I just don't want it above my desk.

Can't we just have, like, a four-leaf clover

Or something like that?

Certainly, sir.

Perhaps you should jot down a list of things

From our ancient culture that make you uncomfortable

So we can change them instantly.

Ajeet, your name is now tyler.

No, I don't want to change anything.

I just don't understand this holiday.

Nice shirt, tyler.

Guys, guys, could somebody tell me what Diwali

Is really all about?

It's about the triumph of good over evil.

And the beginning of the new year.

And it marks the end of the harvest.

And it commemorates lord rama's glorious return

After 14 years of exile

And his defeat of the demon king ravana.

- Wow! - Ravana.

So it's, like, a combination of christmas,

New year's, fourth of July, and star wars.

[imitates lightsabers clashing]

Just think of it like christmas.

It's where families get together.

They exchange gifts.

That is why I bought my precious vimi

This spectacular garment.

Compare it to the clown costumes

Some of the people around here wear.

- Uh-oh. - This is my finest sari.

I saved up to buy it.

Too bad you couldn't save up to buy some good taste.

Vimi has been my nose to buy her a new sari.

She's gonna be so pleased with me this afternoon.

Whoa whoa. This afternoon?

- What, are you leaving early? - We all are.

It's Diwali, Todd.

Oh, I got to clear this with corporate

Befo I can give you guys a half day off.

half day off. But Diwali is five days.

I thought we had the rest of the week off.

It's only Wednesday.

I can't just shut down the company.

Todd, please, I have to catch a train.

I'm supposed to go to sunil's home tonight

To meet his family for the very first time.

It's a really big deal.

I'm sorry, Asha.

Look, guys, guys, I feel really bad, you know.

I can't just give everybody all this time off.

Can't we just be happy that the demon king is dead?

Even the demon king gives his workers the holidays off.

- What? - Oh, nothing.

Just saying that you're worse than the demon king.

Hey, Charlie, are you letting yo workers

Leavearly today for Diwali?

You have to, man. This is huge for them.

I love this time of year.

Booze, fireworks, no laws against how you like to party.

It's like spring break before mtv got a hold of it.

Check out this little game-changer.

- Whoa. -

Happy Diwali, everybody!

- Are u crazy? - Relax.

- I'm pretty sure they're blanks. - Pretty sure?

Well, the box is in russian.

Hey, Todd.

Good news, man.

Asha's having a fight with sunil.

When she said she couldn't make it to his family house

For dinner because you're being a slave driv--

Her words, not mine, although I agree--my words--

Sunil told her to quit her job.

Well, what did she say? Wait, wait, no.

I don't want to know. That ship has sailed.

I'm just gonna focus on work.

You know, I came to India to sell americans novelties

Made in china and that's what I'm gonna do.

That's the right idea, man.

My relationship with tonya has been a real distraction too.

Didn't realize you had a relationship to tonya.

Sure, I do.

Follow her to the market, the gym, the movies.

We do all the things couples do,

Just not together.

Here she comes.

You know what, she likes to sit outside.

I'm gonna get the table next to her.

My scent is in the area.

Let the pheromones do the talking.

Oh, here he is. The Diwali virgin.

Ah, well, I'm only a virgin

Because I want my Diwali honeymoon to be special.

It's always nice to have your deep spiritual beliefs

Used as foreplay.

Hey, some friends mine are having a bit

Of a piss-up later on.

Do you fancy some beers?

Ah, well, I got to work tonight.

Otherwise I'd love to come to your piss-up.

You're working on Diwali?

All righty.

But if you change your mind,

You can give me a call

Because you have no idea what you are missing out on.

Happy Diwali, everyone!

Your candy cane condoms are on their way.

I'm required by law to tell you...

Only decorative... Stds...Blah blah blah.

You probably don't have to work on christmas, do you?

Of course not.

I get a whole week off for christmas.

You are a lucky man.

Not only do you need condoms,

You actually have time off to enjoy them.

- - what's that?

That noise...

That's happiness outside of my window.

[cell phone ringtone sounds]

- Hello. - Hey, jerry, it's Todd.