Malcolm in the Middle

Lois, are you about done? No! You gotta get outta there - I'm late.

NO! You should get up in time!

I WOULD if someone didn't turn off my snooze alarm!

It went off every SIX minutes for an HOUR! What are you doing?

Getting in, Lois! You are NOT! Not until I am finished!

I don't think I'll be able to come in today!

I've got a pretty severe fever, scratchy throat...

Cough.

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question?

# You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now

And you're not so big

You're not the boss of me now

And you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

No.

No. No.

Wait.

No. No.

Gimme that! No.

No.

No.

Wait.

No.

No. Hi, boys. Got a second?

You have a pretty good life! Uh-oh.

Spend your days flying kites, playing video games.

It's time you enriched your lives. When did we have kites?!

I won't have you grow up to be selfish little pigs.

So I volunteered you to do some charity work.

You can choose between helping old people, or helping poor people.

Or I can make you do BOTH! OK! Old people.

Poor people! We want poor people!

Hi. I'm Francis. Mr Price said I should see you.

Oh! I can't believe how cold it is up here!

Course it is Alaska, but you'd think they could dome the place, or...

put tunnels between the buildings.

You must know my buddy Eric Hanson. He got the logging job for me.

Do you give out the axes?

Cos I'm a lefty if that makes any difference?

What's that? A broom, genius(!)

Grab an apron, sweep out my pantry. And quit starin' at my bosom!

You don't understand... I came here to work as a logger.

Lemme tell ya about loggers -

they're filthy, drunken, low-life swine,

..and YOU are their slave.

You will feed them, do their laundry and clean out their privys.

Don't steal, don't back talk, and don't socialise with the Eskimos.

OK... WHAT'D I SAY ABOUT BACK-TALK?!

Eric? Francis?! What's goin' on? I thought you -

I don't hear sweepin'!

You boys should be so proud of yourselves!

People will really appreciate this.

I'm gonna say a special prayer for you.

Yeah. That should make us even(!)

Why are we organising trash?!

It's not trash! It's stuff donated to the poor.

Look, Reese, it's just like yours. Except nicer. It doesn't have holes.

Well, this jacket is better than yours!

You're right.

Everything IN here is better than our stuff!

Haha! You're poor!

No wonder I never got a rocket sled.

What are you doing? Trading! But- Look, I'm making a donation.

Instead of ONE poor person getting a new shirt, TWO poor people do.

What's wrong with that?

I can't move...!

Ten hours scouring deep-fat friers

with a 20 minute break to de-tick sled dogs...

What's wrong with that woman?! Her name's Lavernia. She controls every facet of your life.

She finds out your weaknesses then gets inside your head...

and makes you hate yourself...!

Women...!

They're just like the woods. Mysterious. Full of wolves.

Whoah...! Pull together man!

It could be worse. At least we're making good money. No, we're not! See her ledger book?

She charges us for EVERYTHING and deducts it from our pay!

Food, rent, aprons,...

Hair gel. My first cheque was for $6!

Great(!) Generator's out again.

So, what, we just sit around in the dark?!

Oh, this isn't dark. Ever spent the night in a caribou's gut?

Who is this old coot? He's my best friend here!

So nice of your boys to help us out like this!

We've always LOVED this old church.

If you cut through the parking lot you miss the traffic light on Sixth.

Keep up the good work, boys!

Alright, I'll be back in two hours.

During which time I suggest you think about the horrible...

thoughtless...

whatever it is you did to deserve this punishment. That's just it!

We didn't DO anything. Mom said we needed to build character.

YOUR character, right?

Well,... see that you do!

What are you doing? Trading again. A backpack for a backpack.

Dewey, wait! A yo-yo isn't equal to a GameBoy.

What if I throw in my Mightyman. OK, two toys for one seems fair.

Yeah. I mean, as long as what we trade is equal, it seems...

Whoa... Check these out!

Is this fair? Think of it this way...

When you add the value of the work we're doing, we're still way ahead.

Where do I dump this?

Ya don't dump it! You take the bucket, heat it to 190 degrees,

run it through the hair trap and make gravy for dinner.

Re-use old filthy fat?! DO YOU LIKE HAVIN' A JOB?!

Hey, Lavernia. I need some licorice, some paper towels and a 6-pack of beer. Sure, hon.

Oh, no. It took me six months to get you paid off last time.

I'm outta your book for good. Hard cash! Got it exactly!

Good enough.

Like a freshly baked muffin. Only $8.

You gotta be kiddin'! Eight bucks for a lil... Are those raisins? Last ones till spring.

Quit starin' at my caboose - back to work!

Hey, you don't have to snarl at us everyti-

High school's brutal! Don't get this much homework in other classes.

They just keep heaping it on! Is Monday OK? Make it Friday.

I don't wanna ruin your weekend. Oh. I lost the crystal off my watch.

Your parents gave you that. There's one like this at the church.

Could you get it for me? If you donate something of equal or greater value.

How about aftershave? Mom got it for me for parties and dances.

Poor deluded woman! Sold. You wouldn't believe the stuff they got.

Clothes, toys, comics...

Yesterday a guy donated an old Nintendo - the Double Dragon 4 game.

DD4?! The... Sacred... Stone?

Yeah, why?

I give you... $20 for it.

Money?

I guess we could put it in the collection box.

This is great! The church is only charging $5 for it.

This way Stevie gets his game and the church gets an extra $10. No, the church gets an extra $15.

I think we deserve something for our trouble.

Think of it this way... The church gets three times what it asked for.

Yeah. We're makin' this work for everyone.

Any porcelain tea sets? NOT for me, of course. For my sister.

Isn't she at Vassar? Look, do you want the cash or not?!

"..and my job in Alaska is great - making tons of money and friends."

"So your dire predictions of misery and exploitation were, as always, dead wrong."

Oh, he's a good boy. They're all good kids.

Mrs Potts at the church says they're a godsend.

Whoah, whoah...! Where are you off to?

We told Mrs Potts we'd be back after lunch. Charity's fun. Thanks, Mom!

Well, whaddaya know! Are we finally getting something right with them?