Twelve Thirty

Well... Go on, tell me.

You wrote a short story for the school paper.

It was called "The Girl Who Was Ept."

As in the opposite of inept.

It blew me away that you invented a word-

a three-letter word-

that described an entire personality.

Now you're a hostess-

at the same restaurant where I work.

Pretty amazing, don't you think?

So this is why you asked me-

- if someone who wasn't feckless was full of "feck".

You were only a freshman then,

but somehow you managed-

- to read it aloud at the senior prom,

- wearing jeans and a very tight lavender t-shirt...

If I recall.

Mary Ellen Langley at the prom!

I thought you were the coolest girl I'd ever met.

Whoa!

Don't cross that line, Smokey Joe.

- Don't worship me. - How'd you do it?

How did you get the senior class-

to invite you to speak at the prom?

And the name is Jeff, incidentally.

Nice to make your acquaintance.

Stop that right now.

I bribed them, I paid them money.

Why else do you think-

they'd do the bidding of a pipsqueak?

No.

I stole 2.000 dollar from my parents.

I bought a really cool German mop-

I saw advertised on an infomercial.

And I bribed the class president-

with what was left over.

Your parents never caught on?

I stole the money over time, in small increments.

They actually kept a lot of their savings-

in a mattress.

That's a metaphor, right?

No, is the truth.

They actually did stuff their money in a mattress-

- for a few years, during the good years.

I don't lie.

You have to believe-

everything I tell you is the truth.

On faith.

Deal.

So that means your uncle is really a drummer in a band?

And he's good.

He's in town recording a new record.

I'll take you to the studio with me, if you'd like.

Let's not go home yet.

Let me take you to church.

To church?

No, no...

Well, yes, it's a church,

but they haven't had-

- a congregation or a pastor in years.

They simply leave the door open,

wide open, 24 hours all day.

Is kind of some place people go to now-

just to meditate.

Is cool.

Is a little slice of heaven.

What's the name of this church?

The Church of the Open Door.

Oh, bullshit!

It really is.

I'll drive.

Okay.

Why do you want to take me to church?

What do you want from me?

Nothing.

Nothing, really.

Lipstick?

Vaseline lip balm.

I just want to hang out with you,

maybe hear some of your other short stories.

You want to hear stories?

Okay.

But if you want anything else,

you'll tell me, right?

Uh...

It's locked.

I have to pee.

I can't believe you just said that to me.

That's such grownup talk.

Oh, you don't pee?

Where are you going to pee?

Behind that tree.

Don't peek.

Oh, give me a tissue?

What do you need a tissue for?

To wipe my vagina.

You are a curious young man, aren't you?

Great...

What are you gonna do now?

This is unbelievable.

You should just quit while you're ahead.

What?

It's okay.

It was kind of a creepy idea anyway.

Yeah, I suppose.

Why did you think

I would have a package of tissues in my pocket?

I could probably name everything you carry around-

in your pockets by now.

And that just breaks my heart,

just a little bit.

Maybe it's nice there's a church like this-

at least the idea of it.

Next time I'll take you to visit

"The Holy Church of the Nice People."

No way.

There isn't really, is there?

No, but there should be, don't you think?

Churches with literal names...

..."Our Holy Mother of the Often Confused."

"Our Lady of the Occasionally Gullible."

Scary.

The last time I attended a Halloween party,

I went dressed as a road.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Well, everyone had to go dressed as an inanimate object.

Two girls I worked with came up with the idea,

applied the black face makeup,

dressed me all in black,

attached two yellow strips of fabric-

down my front and up my back,

white rectangular pieces of cloth-

represented the lane dividers,

Matchbox cars applied with Crazy Glue.

Very creative.

The only other time I wore makeup-

- was when I was a sophomore in high school.

I played Jeff Crowell in a production of "Our Town."

Auditioning, winning the role, rehearsals.

Best weeks of my life.

I was accepted -

not by my peers, but by seniors.

Like me.

Yes, like you.

So, anyway,

the morning of the first performance

I awake with a searing fever-

103 degrees-

- but nothing could have stopped me from getting on that stage.

Even my parents,

- who tended to be a little over-protective,

also encouraged me to go.

That's how sorry they felt for me.

I was blazing up, but I was so happy.

When I arrived backstage,

I had stage makeup put on.

It felt so cooling, so healing.

There's no other way to describe it.

And...

...I remembered my line.

One line?

Spoke volumes.

Hey, want to hear-

- the very spookiest thing that ever happened to me?

Okay.

Once I needed a soldering iron.

For what?

Not the point.

My Dad has this amazing array of tools-

in his basement office-

- for someone who seldom builds anything.

Anyway, he also keeps our family's home movies-

- and prints of digital photos in the office.

The family's unofficial archivist.

So, I'm scouring the place for the soldering iron-

is not that small-

I move some prints out of the way,

- and I find dozens of shots of my Mom... topless.

No shit?!

Freaked me out.

Did you ever ask him about them?

Are you kidding?

Did the pictures excite you?

Oh, my God! I couldn't eat for days.

Well, did you ever ask him about them?

Oh, my God!

Well, I don't know.

Is just kind of... Oedipal, that's all.

Is so scandalous.

Really?

Well, the way you often act is so...

...well, vanilla.

You've got some skeletons in your closet after all.

Is good to know.

Thank you.

I was scared shitless after that for weeks.

Your parents were strict?

Not particularly.

But...