King of the Hill

Ripped By mstoll

Remember our old percolator?

Now, that made a cup of coffee.

If you want to open up that can of worms,

let's talk about the old can opener.

No, not the lawn!

The lawn, boy, no!

How many times have I told you,

there are no dinosaur bones under our yard!

I'm doing extra credit for my earth science class.

We're learning about all that these trees can do,

like turning carbon dioxide into oxygen.

Yeah, and, uh, other stuff.

Huh.

Well, I wish you'd asked permission,

but it is a pretty good spot for a tree.

And the pecan tree is the state tree of Texas.

I limited myself to trees that could be used to make pies.

Well, let me give you boys a hand.

There's a new recipe for backfill

I've been meaning to try out.

: It's, uh, two parts compost.

Okay, gather around, everybody!

We're gonna play us a little game!

Highest card wins Strickland Propane,

all its assets and liabilities.

A jack!

All right, I'm in the mix!

What's going on, sir?

The last time we played this game,

Joe Jack got hit with a paternity suit.

It's fixing to get ugly around here.

The Bystander's about to print a story claiming

we've been illegally dumping our old propane tanks

in the Cottonwood River!

What?

Why would they say that?

Because they're jackals!

They're trying to fill their news holes.

And because they got proof.

Dang it, Mr. Strickland, I don't understand

how you can be Strickland's greatest asset

and its greatest liability.

Calm down.

I didn't know it was illegal.

I was trying to create a coral reef,

for all the dolphins and whatnot.

In a river?

Everyone's gonna hate us.

People hate people who hate the environment.

If we don't have an environment, where will we do stuff?

Think about it.

Now, wait a minute.

Mr. Strickland made a bad decision that, for now,

I am willing to believe was an accident.

We just need to show people

that Strickland Propane doesn't hate the environment.

Hank,

are you suggesting we go green?

Well, I'd rather not put it that way, but yes.

Stop digging if you hit metal.

My dad says there are a lot of unexploded ordnances back here.

Nice-looking tree, boys.

Thanks.

At first, it was all about the extra credit.

But now, I'm kind of glad we're helping the planet.

About that science teacher of yours,

does he ever talk about, uh, going green?

I don't know.

Do you ever talk about propane?

My point is, he talks about it all the time.

I don't suppose you remember any of the things he said, do you?

Dad, I have a bookbag full of handouts you're gonna love.

Hit the deck!

My teacher says global warming is serious business.

Look at all the pictures of the Statue of Liberty

at the bottom of the ocean.

Okay, Bobby, let's skip to the nuts and bolts.

Right.

It says here a healthy planet starts

with turning off your screen saver

when you leave your workstation.

But my flying toasters keep me happy!

Huh.

This is not all California nonsense.

Some of it's common sense stuff,

like recycling and using more efficient light bulbs.

And, Mr. Strickland,

about that little fridge you keep in your office...

I am not drinking a warm longneck!

Well, at least put the door back on.

Fine.

Thanks for carpooling, you guys.

I know it's not everybody's first choice,

but it's important for the company.

Hey, I'm psyched, man!

Now we finally have a chance to talk,

I mean, really talk, about our hopes and our fears.

Uh, who wants to go first?

Hang in there, Mr. Strickland.

We'll be there soon.

Now, if you're not gonna let me have

my own little bottles of water, then we're all drinking

raspberry ice!

We better turn that dang air on, or I'm going pant-less.

I'm sorry, Buck.

I don't know how to say this diplomatically,

but you made a mistake,

and, well, fixing it is not gonna be fun.

Buck needs to be more vigilant.

He put up a banner saying we went green.

That's like a contract with everyone who drives by.

Buck could always take the easy way out

and just buy carbon offsets.

They're all the rage in Hollywood.

That's the dream factory, Hank.

What the heck is a carbon offset?

It's like a "get out of jail free" card

for people concerned about the environment,

but not concerned enough to actually do anything.

You simply pay someone to plant trees or build windmills

to offset all the carbon you've dumped on the Earth.

That's ridiculous.

You can't cause a problem and ask someone else to fix it.

You have to do the work yourself,

like Bobby and Joseph over there.

What?

Joseph doesn't work.

Well, normally Bobby doesn't either,

but look at them, working for free.

You really got to admire that.

Huh.

You most certainly do.

Oh, yeah!

Hello, Dale.

I assume you're just here for a quick visit

since you're taking up two parking spaces.

Your friend here just sold me a mess of carbon offsets.

You did what?

Good news, Hank.

I'm in the carbon offset business.

No, this isn't the way to show customers we've changed.

We have a plan.

Sure, it's tedious and unpleasant, but it will work.

Yeah, yeah, we gave your plan a fair shot, ol' top.

It was time to cut our losses.

It was one clay.

Hank, this is a dream come true.

All the sanctimony without all the effort.

Ah.

Smells like money.

Say, ol' top,

that truck of yours is quite the gas guzzler.

How many offsets can I put you down for?

You can put me down for kicking your ass!

What kind of stupid got-dang idea is this?

This is the perfect plan.

Strickland agreed to let me plant the trees

on some land he isn't using;

Bobby and Joseph agreed to do the planting;

and I agreed to take the money.

Buying carbon offsets isn't gonna fix Strickland's image.

It's just cheating.

Who's to say what's cheating?

Is Leonardo DiCaprio cheating when he offsets

riding around in a private jet?

Yes.

Oh, Hank, you just don't get it.

Planting carbon offsets is great!

I feel like I can already breathe better.

Whew!

I guess this is what happens when God gets lazy

and humans have to pick up the slack.

What else do you need me to do for you?!

Look, I know we're tired and irritable...

Shut up, kid!

This is important.

I think we should buckle down and keep working.

Who's with me?!

You're talking so loud, of course I'm in!

Octavio, I have a job for you.

Bring your shovel.

Oh, sorry, Mrs. Octavio.

You sound just like him.

Welcome to Strickland Propane.

The banner outside says you're green.

What exactly are you doing for the environment?

Well, quite a bit.

We have an employee carpool,

all our invoices are printed on recycled paper,

and as you can tell,

the temperature in here is slightly uncomfortable.

You're burying the lead, ol' top.

Tell her about the carbon offsets.

I don't think

she really wants to hear about, uh...

Trees! Beautiful trees.

I'm planting a forest of majestic oaks

and pines and whatnot.

And those trees are eating up all that nasty carbon.