The Critic

This just in:

The state of California

has just officially changed its name to:

"State of emergency."

It stinks.

That's our show for tonight.

Next week we'll be reviewing

tom cruise's sequel to interview with a vampire,

entitled: A few good monsters.

Son, I hear music.

I don't remember giving permission for a party.

Well, uh, dad, uh...

And I hope you're looking after your brother Raymond.

5 minutes till munsters. 5 minutes till munsters.

Gotta see Herman. Gotta see Herman.

Gotta see Herman.

Hey, Marty, what brings you here?

I'm running for class president,

and dad's going to help me write my speech.

The castle's a mess,

the wolfman messed up the carpet,

and I think your brother Raymond is drunk.

I'm an excellent flyer.

Should've taken qantas.

Now, Marty, when you run for president,

you've got to sell yourself.

What makes you stand out from the other kids?

Uh, I... I ate my dissected frog.

That's my boy.

I once ate the sheep from a nativity scene.

But I don't think that'll get you many votes.

I don't know what to tell you, dad.

I'm just an average kid.

That's your angle. You're the average kid. The kid of the people.

Why, they'll lap it up like cheap booze

at drew Barrymore's sweet 16 party.

Dad, don't you need some paper?

It'll just slow me down.

Now, Doris, we're going to junior high today

to see Marty run for class president.

I want you to make me look extra dignified.

Let the makeup begin!

Principal mangosuthu,

do you know what those kids are doing?

I have no idea.

Welcome to the united nations school 8th grade election.

Our candidates are Martin sherman,

zoltan vellimirovich...

Hello.

And Michael dukakis.

I thought I would start small, uh,

with an election, uh, I could win.

You suck.

Ow.

Our first candidate is Martin sherman.

Hi. I'm Marty sherman.

I'm not royalty like my friend faisal.

And I can't offer you a vacation in the South pacific

like my easter island friend.

I can't do those things

because I'm just a regular kid.

I'm the regular kid candidate.

Hmm.

If I'm elected, I'll work hard

and build the best homecoming float ever.

Vote for me, the regular kid.

El nino normale!

Tubo ka cha!

Pug nar.

Krish krosh.

Marty! Marty! Marty!

Come on, come on.

Hey!

Marty! Marty!

Marty won by a landslide.

You wrote a great speech.

Mighty impressive.

You know, all this talk of running for office

has set me to thinking.

That's it! I'll run for president,

drop a whole mess of bombs

and put merle haggard on the supreme court.

I've made up my mind.

I'm going to run for president.

But you're not a politician. You're a businessman.

All the better.

I made a multinational media conglomerate

out of a humble fried chicken franchise.

I'd like a number 7. Extra crispy.

Cornbread or hot buttered biscuit?

Uh, biscuit.

You carry buttered biscuits in your pants?

Yes.

Oh! You're talking to him? Ha!

Now, Jay, when I run for president,

you are going to be my speechwriter.

Me? I'm not a speechwriter.

You did darn good with your boy.

You know, you think like the average Joe.

The little guy making $300,000 a year.

The average Joe doesn't make $300,000...

can I have an advance on my $300,000?

No problem.

So long, suckers.

I'm sorry. This is a no smoking island.

Oy, gevalt!

Give me one good reason

why I should be your speechwriter.

Hey, look, when I'm elected, you can have any office you want,

except in the army.

They're still shy about the gay thing.

I'm not gay.

Hmm.

I'm tempted, but I... I don't know.

Can Duke really be president?

Can he be trusted with nuclear weapons?

We trust him with the ones he has now.

Besides, it's not that hard a job.

I played a president in a movie once.

Who are you?

My name is Monroe. James Monroe.

And here's a taste of the Monroe doctrine.

Welcome to the era of good feelings.

Oh, James.

Mmm.

Marty! Marty! Marty!

Thank you, thank you.

I just want to say that under my administration

it is not going to be all fun and games.

We're going to work, too.

Work?

Let's get our heinies out of here.

But we're supposed to make flowers

for the homecoming float.

We'll help you, son.

I just don't know what to do about Duke's campaign.

It's a great opportunity, but I'm afraid he may stand for the wrong things.

Well then, you tell him what to stand for.

You're a good man.

What did I tell you to say?

Thank you for the pizza, Mr. sherman.

Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life.

There was this one boy back in college...

dealt drugs, went to jail...

yet today he's the star of home improvement.

And I think with you behind him,

Duke could accomplish great things, too.

Well, thanks,

but maybe I should think about this some more.

Don't listen to this. Listen to this.

You want me to listen to my stomach?

No, silly. Your heart.

No one ever listens to me.

Jay, if I can't make up your mind,

maybe these gentlemen can.

Ask not what your country can do for you,

but what you can do for Duke Phillips.

You made him say that.

You can fool

some of the people some of the time,

but you'll never fool good old Duke Phillips.

Eh, eh?

I'm Bill Clinton.

I urge you to work for Duke Phillips.

That's not Clinton.

That's just one of your mechanical hillbilly bears.

Yeah, but so far nobody's noticed.

Look, I'll write your speeches, but I have 2 conditions.

First, no rewriting.

Second, we must be honest with the public at all times.

Done and done.

Hey, where'd she come from?

I, er, built her out of John Quincy Adams

and Herbert hoover.

Hi, I'm, uh, I'm tom snyder.

Our first guest is billionaire Duke Phillips.

Duke, uh, Duke, what's new?

Tom, I'm running for president.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

You know, back in my day, we had, uh, we had president coolidge, there.

And, uh, they used to say, "keep cool with coolidge."

And, uh, and we did. We, uh, we kept pretty cool back then.

Uh, now... now, why are you running?

Well, because it's time we had a president