White Gold

Cracklin' Rosie by Neil Diamond

I can't hold it in. I really need to go, Dad.

I'll pull over. No, I don't want to go in the bushes.

We're miles away from a pub, so you're going to have to.

Please, Dad! All right, try and take your mind off it.

Ask me a question. Like what?

Anything you want. OK.

How do you sleep at night?

What is that supposed to mean?

Mark Wilson's dad asked me. He said you rip people off,

selling them expensive windows and getting them in debt.

Well, the next time you see him,

tell him your old dad sleeps just fine

and he can go fuck himself, the jealous prick.

Really? Excellent.

Actually, don't say that, all right?

Is it true, though? Do you get people in debt?

Look, Rob, I sell windows -

and a lot of fucking windows, I might add -

to people all over our town.

I don't put a gun to their head. They want to buy from me.

Can they always afford it? Probably not, but as far as I know

it's not illegal to sell things to people just cos they're too stupid

to know if they can afford them.

I think that is illegal. I saw it on World in Action.

Really? Yeah.

Dad, I've got to go now!

All right, let me pull over.

What's here? Why are you stopping here?

Just nip in that hedge. But it's a poo.

No-one's coming, Rob, they're not going to see you.

What about wiping my bum?

Here you go.

Dad, what are these?

Better than Andrex.

# Set the world right

# Find us a dream that don't ask no questions... #

I'm arriving at base now, Gremlin,

but if you could keep an eye on that traffic for me

it'd be much appreciated. Over.

'There's a Kojak with a Kodak on the A13 flyover.'

Thanks, Gremlin. I've got some earwiggers on the horizon

so I'm out for now, good buddy.

'Roger-rodge. 10-10.'

Here he is. Smokey and the Bum Bandit.

Morning, Rubber Ducky.

Yep, very good.

OK, let's do this properly - who or what is a Gremlin?

He's a mate.

And his name's actually Gremlin?

No, that's his handle. It's like a CB nickname.

And your handle is...?

Nice try, but save your breath, I'm not embarrassed about this.

Good for you. And your handle is...?

Widow Maker.

That is superb.

HE CHUCKLES

So is this a new CB radio?

Obviously.

Treated myself to a rig for the car - Tri-Star, dual bandwidth,

48 channels, complete with mag-mounted DV27 antennae.

Basically it's a monster.

You said that like we're supposed to give a shit.

Yeah, well, you should. Pretty soon you'll be wondering

how you ever lived without one of these babies.

Other than for pretending you're in the Dukes of Hazzard

I'm struggling to think of a single use for it.

Pre-ordering a prossie to murder at the next truck stop?

Two uses.

Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, Luddites.

Aw, don't be like that, Widow Maker!

Come on!

'He was right about one thing -

'we couldn't live without one of those babies.'

So we got a cheap rig, secretly installed it in Walshy's office

and roped in Carol,

who as well as being Britain's lousiest receptionist

had a genuine talent for mimicry.

Breaker breakers, this is the Sexy Elf.

Any takers?

Is that all right?

Now, your average CB enthusiast is male, lives with his mum and

is about as likely to drive a truck as he is to have lost his cherry.

As soon as the Elf hit the airwaves,

they were practically rutting one another for her attention.

'10-2, Sexy Elf, this is Wheelnut Wheelnut!

'Where've you been all my life, Sexy Elf?

'This is The Beastmaster sending out 3s and 8s.'

STATIC 'Fancy an eyeball, Elf?'

STATIC these prairie dogs,

'let's knock it up 10 for a one-to-one.'

STATIC 'I've got no trousers on.'

Eventually she hooked the big one.

STATIC

'Afternoon, Elf, this is the Widow Maker. What's your 10-20?'

10-20... Location.

Hi, Widow Maker. I'm approaching Chelmsford town centre, on a bus.

'You're on a bus?' Fuck me.

It's called improvising.

I'm driving a bus.

'A bus driver. You sound like my kind of sexy elf.'

And you sound dangerous, Widow Maker.

'Really?'

As in mysterious. Not like a rapist.

'After an hour of some fairly horrific flirting,

'the Widow Maker finally to ask the Elf on a date.'

'Tri-Star, 48 channels. Dual bandwidth.'

Ooh! Impressive kit.

I'd love to see it.

'And after that maybe I'll show you my CB radio too.'

SHE LAUGHS

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

'I'm up for an eyeball if you are?'

Eyeball? Eyeball...

That's a meet-up. Jackpot.

That's a relief. I thought I was going to have to flash my chuff.

Yeah, why not, Widow Maker?

'They fixed up to meet later that night at Thorndon Country Park.'

This is The Widow Maker.

I'm 10-8 at the 10-20. I think I can see you, Sexy Elf.

Widow Maker, meet the Sexy Elf.

Fancy seeing you here, good buddy.

THEY LAUGH

'Now we'd lit the fuse,

'it was time to stand back and watch the fireworks.'

You cunts!

'Only Fitzpatrick didn't explode - it was far worse than that.'

HE SOBS

Oh, God!

Look at me.

'It turns out that Fitzpatrick's home life was a living hell.'

He'd married his childhood sweetheart, Maureen, when he was 18

but over the years she'd put on a tonne of weight

due to an underactive thyroid gland.

This, combined with the realisation that she had to live with

Fitzpatrick for the rest of her miserable life had made her

clinically depressed and, lately, even physically abusive.

Why don't you just do everyone a big favour, yeah, and fuck off?!

Go on, fuck off!

Go on, fuck off down to the shed, Maureen!

The neighbours! Your jumper's shit!

DOOR SLAMS

The closest thing he had to a social life was us

and the complete tools he befriended on CB radio.

Breaker breaker, this is the Widow Maker.

I can't leave her. I'm all she's got.

Man, that's rough.

I feel terrible now, Brian.

Can I give you a hand job at least, to say sorry?

Jesus, Carol.

No, you're all right.

'Now it was awkward and weird. To be perfectly honest with you,

'I'd actually forgotten he was married.

'And not solely because he'd barely in the year I'd known him.

'It was more down to the fact that whenever

'I laid on treats for the team, he went at it like a man possessed.'

Oh, yeah! Oh, Mummy.

'Frankly it was off-putting for the rest of us'

That's top quality.

HE GRUNTS

Oh, I'm going to sell even more fucking windows next week.

'Anyway, after the CB awkwardness,

'I had to placate Fitzpatrick in the only way I knew how.

'Only this time he was exiled to conduct his nasty business

'behind closed doors.

'In this instance, Walshy's office door.'

That's it.

'It still sounded like someone was mating a gorilla upstairs, but that

'was a vast improvement on actually seeing his ratty little sex face.'

Yeah, oh, woman. Big Brian needs woman. Oh, yeah!

'Unfortunately this venue change for Fitzpatrick's depravity

'didn't go unnoticed.'

Vincent, you cunt!

You're not going to... Get up here!

Just excuse me one minute.

You disgusting pig, Vincent!

I've got a meeting in 20 minutes.

I've got a bum stain on my desk and a rubber Johnny in my fucking bin!

'Much like the derriere that left its mark on Walshy's desk,

'I didn't mind taking a pounding for the sake of Fitzpatrick's morale.'

Whose bum is this, for Christ's sake?

Morning, homo sapiens. Emphasis on the homo.

So unnecessary.

'Pretty soon Fitzpatrick was back to his cocky, old unpleasant self.'

Now that's what you call man management.

'And seeing as I'd already taken a bollocking for the misuse

'of Walshy's office, I figured I might as well commit the crime.'

Come here, you.

I do hope you're going to brush your teeth

before you teach my second born.

You're unbelievable. Do you talk like that to Sam?

OK, let's get one thing straight. You don't mention her name.

What, so you can make jokes about me teaching Robbie,

but she's off limits?

It's only been 20 seconds since my dick was inside you.

It's too soon. Don't make a big fucking deal about it.

Oh, so when is it acceptable to mention her, then?

I need some guidelines.

Half an hour after a shag?

Ten minutes after a blowie?