Red Dwarf

- Ah. - What's this?

I salvaged it from the medistation, sir.

It's a personality tuck machine.

Mmm, so it can perform corrective surgery on your character?

Exactly. It scans the patient's brain and forms a personality map.

It's then able to enhance, remove,

even sculpt the very traits that make that person who they are.

Hypothetically... I'm speaking hypothetically here,

do you think I could do with a little work?

Take a seat, sir. I'll cancel this week's schedule.

So, what can you do for me exactly?

I'll begin by just working out the areas I think we might be able to improve.

Now here, here, here,

here, here, definitely here.

Yes, all right, Kryten, get on with it, man.

Well, take your pomposity, large and unsightly.

Your self-importance, too, is massively engorged.

What's that huge area in the middle there?

Well, that is your cowardice, sir.

Perhaps you'd like me to perform a cowardectomy?

What? Reduce it to sort of wimp-o-plasty?

Hey, what's happening, buds?

I'm about to perform some personality surgery on Mr Rimmer.

He's getting a new personality? Great idea.

Not new, moulded, tightened, lifted, shaped.

This is gonna transform me.

I'm gonna be the lady-melting enormous bald stud muffin I've always dreamt of.

Now, Kryten, one thing. This isn't gonna hurt, is it?

There'll just be the slightest,

- infinitesimally tiny little scratch. - Scratch?

- Well, when I insert the laser. - Laser?

- Well, it has to burn... - Burn?

Well, perhaps I should give you a hollow sedative, sir.

- With a needle? - Sir, please.

I'll talk you through every aspect of the procedure step by step.

Right now, I'm just in the... Where, where's he gone?

Out the door and left.

Oh, Einstein was wrong. It is possible to break the speed of light.

What the...

Guys? Keep the noise down, I'm trying to sleep here.

Whoa! What's going on? We're way off course here.

Who's the joker in charge of navigation?

You are, sir.

Seriously? Oh, man. I think I might've dosed off.

Lister, we're 5,000 clicks off course.

All you had to do was engage autopilot. Your watch, your fault.

You can't blame me for this.

What kind of lunch was that to give your pilot?

Roast beef with all the trimmings, followed by seconds,

followed by sticky toffee pudding, followed by seconds,

followed by beer and coffee and cheese and brandy and port and cigars

and that little chocolate mint.

What chance did I stand after a Sunday lunch like that?

- How long have I been out? - It's Monday, sir.

Oh, man. No way.

It's gonna take us forever to get back to Red Dwarf now.

Maybe we could take a short cut across that asteroid belt.

GELF country?

If the stories are to be believed,

the particular tribe of GELF that inhabit belt Juno 98

are the...

Oh, sorry. I just sat down on a screwdriver.

Why does nobody tidy up around here except me?

Kryten, you were saying?

I'm sorry, sir, yes, that particular tribe are the Nacky Ninckers.

Vampire GELFs to you and me.

Vampire GELFs?

The story goes they feast on the blood of virgins.

Feast on the blood of virgins.

Who believes that? Taking her in.

Wait a minute, hang on here, slow the hell down.

- What's the problem? - I'm just curious.

How do they tell the virgins from the non-virgins?

Well, according to the ancient myths, they can smell them.

Smell 'em? What the hell does a virgin smell of?

Desperation, normally.

Actually, sir, the actual science is

that the GELFs can smell the pheromone produced by fear.

Only the virgins are scared,

so they're the only ones producing the fear pheromone.

- Thus no issue for us. - Taking her in.

Hang on, hold up. Can we discuss this for one stupid, lousy second?

- Hang on a minute, are you... - No.

- I suppose you must... - No!

- I never really... - Don't even say it.

Okay. Moving on.

Didn't mean to open up a can of worms here.

I've had my share, let me tell ya.

More than my share.

Plus, I've had full blown love affairs, too.

Well, yes, mirror in the bathroom,

mirror in the hall... I'd forgotten about those.

Don't you guys know that cats always have two homes?

I got a lady cat back on Red Dwarf.

- Hell, I got two. - On Zed deck.

- On Zed deck. - On Zed deck.

Exactly. That's where they are, on Zed deck.

But hiding from you guys, because they're only interested in me.

We will go the long way 'round.

And be quick about it, because I gotta get back to my lady cats on Zed deck.

I'm suddenly starting to miss 'em real bad.

I'm picking up a ship.

The energy signature's barely registering.

The signal's weaker than the San Marino reserve team.

Posting, logging into their mainframe.

Don't bother, in this region of space, it could well be a GELF battle cruiser.

Maintain current course.

That gets my vote.

According to the hack, it's a transport ship, crew two,

one Mercenoid, one prisoner.

A merce-what?

A Mercenoid is a droid, sir, who has agreed to sacrifice his life

in exchange for software updates in silicone heaven.

These Mercenoids are nuttier than a vegetarian breakfast.

That probably explains why the Mercenoid and his prisoner

are on a death dive into the heart of a super-massive black hole.

So what now?

We're gonna board that crate before it passes the event horizon.

Risk our necks for one prisoner?

Rimmer, that prisoner might be human, we can't just abandon them.

Never say can't, Lister.

You put your mind to it, there's no limit to who you can abandon.

All right, Cat, take her in. Rimmer, lend me your Dictaphone.

What, why?

Because I've got an idea.

Right. Come on, let's do this.

Good luck, keep in touch.

More ship Intel coming through via the hack.

They were transporting scientific equipment to a bio-station on Orta 15.

Something doesn't smell right.

The ship's log's been deleted and the black box has also been wiped clean.

I'm not getting any pictures from your head cam.

There must be some kind of signal block in place.

How about now?

Yes, getting pictures now. What did you do?

Oh, I just recalibrated the fluctuation drive band signal.

- Impressive. - Thanks.

You're not gonna like this,

but I'm picking up something in the movement tracker.

Life signs, organic and part organic, in corridor Beta 12.

Where exactly in Beta 12?

At the south entrance.

That's where we are.

Then you should be able to see them, they're there right on top of you.

They may be in the ceiling or under the floor. Run!

Go back, get out of there! Move! Now! Forwards!

Not that way, the other way!

No, the other way.

Lister, move!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Could these life signs...

Could they, by any chance, be us?

Ah, yes, of course.

Organic and part organic. Yes, it's you.

They should warn you about that in the instruction manual.

Someone could come along and make a right idiot of himself.

Ah, it does mention it.

It's this bit here in big red capitals.

So easy to miss.

I'm picking up EM emissions. This way, sirs.

I know you are here, humies.

If you want to live, you must leave.

He's right. I think we should go.

- Sir... - You haven't seen him. Okay.

I wanna talk about your prisoner. I wanna do a trade.

- No trade. - Let's talk.

No talk.

Now, take my advice and go.

Leave.

Who's your prisoner and what have they done?

That is my business, not yours.

You can trust us, you really can.

You will achieve all your dreams.

Size doesn't matter.

You are very handsome.

And women think you're extremely attractive.

Actually, that's not really true,

so drop your weapon and turn round slowly.

Head count down, what's going on? Are you okay?

We're fine, sir. Mercenoid down.

I think I've located the prisoner, up two floors, bay 12.

Buds, am I pleased to see you.

- Wait, are you... - Are you?

- Ow. - Ow.

- You got a name? - Sure I do, stupid.

- Who doesn't have a name? - Ow.

Incidentally that's mine, that's mine,

that's mine, that's mine, all this is mine.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What about that bit?

That's mine, too.

Ow!

This is mine, that's mine, this is mine.

Basically, all of this is mine. Even that bit.

- What about that bit? - Mine.

- And that? - Mine. And that bit, all mine.

Look, we'll catch you guys later.

Hey, why don't we meet up later on the pretext of having dinner,

but instead play the string game?

I love the string game.

- Ow! - Ow!