Seinfeld

Most men like working on things--

tools, objects, fixing things.

This is what men enjoy doing.

Have you ever noticed if a guy's out in his driveway,

working on something with tools,

how all of the other men in the neighborhood

are magnetically drawn to this activity?

They just come wandering out of the house like zombies.

Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle,

it just...

You know, they go running up to that living room curtain,

"Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there."

So they run over to the guy.

Now, they don't actually help the guy. No.

They just wanna hang around the area

where work is being done.

That's what men wanna do.

We wanna watch the guy.

We wanna talk to him,

We wanna ask him dumb questions.

You know...

"What are you using, a Phillips head?"

You know, we feel involved.

That's why, when they have construction sites,

they have to have those wood panel fences around it.

That's just to keep the men out.

They cut those little holes for us

so we can see what the hell is going on...

but if they don't cut those holes,

we are climbing those fences.

Right over there.

"What are you using, the steel girders down here?

Yeah, that'll hold."

I had to say something.

I had to say something

Everything was going so well.

I had to say something.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I told her I liked her.

Why?

Why did I tell her I like her?

I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel.

I like you. I don't tell you.

We can only thank God for that.

I'm out of the picture.

I am out of the picture.

Huhu-ho!

Matter of time now.

You're imagining this. Really.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

I'll tell you when it happened too.

When that floss came flying out of my pocket.

What floss? When? We were in the lobby

during the intermission of the play,

I was buying her one of those containers

of orange drink for $5.

I reach into my pocket to pay for it,

I look down, there's this piece of green floss

hanging from my fingers.

Ah, mint.

Of course.

So I'm looking at it.

I look up, I see she's looking at it.

Our eyes lock.

It was a horrible moment. I just...

So let me get this straight.

She saw the floss. Yeah.

You panicked,

and you told her you liked her.

If I didn't put that floss in my pocket,

I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now,

looking for my glasses.

You sure the floss was the catalyst?

Yes, I am. You don't think it might have had

anything to do with that?

You mean you don't like this?

It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

Oh, they got a cure for cancer.

See, it's all big business.

Oh, hey! Jerry just walked in.

Hi, George!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take my number.

Uh, it's 555-8643.

Okay. Here he is.

Who is it?

Take it.

Who is it? It's for you.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Joel.

Wha--?

No, uh...

I was out of town. I just got back.

Kramer doesn't know anything.

He's just my next door neighbor.

Uh, nothing much.

Tuesday?

Um, Tuesday, no, I'm meeting...somebody.

Uh, Wednesday?

Wednesday's okay.

All right, um...

I'm a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?

Okay. Yeah.

Right. Thanks. Bye.

Why did you put me on the phone with him?

I hate just being handed a phone.

Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to you.

Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.

Well, why not? He bothers me.

I don't even answer the phone anymore because of him.

He's turned me into a screener.

Now I gotta see him Wednesday.

What, Wednesday? I thought we had tickets

to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench.

What happened? We're not going? We're going.

That's next Wednesday.

Oh.

Who is this guy?

His name's Joel Horneck.

He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up.

He had a ping-pong table. We were friends.

Should I suffer the rest of my life

because I like to play ping-pong?

I was 10!

I would've been friends with Stalin

if he had a ping-pong table.

He's so self-involved.

That's for me.

Kramerica Industries.

Oh, hi, Mark.

No, no, no.

Look, forget that. I got a better idea--

A pizza place where you make your own pie.

Can you conduct your business... elsewhere?

No, no, no, I'm talking about a whole chain of them.

Yeah.

I don't know why you bother with this ping-pong guy.

I tell you that. I don't bother with him.

He's been calling for seven years.

I never called him once.

He's got the attention span of a 5-year-old.

Sometimes I sit there, and I make up things,

just to see if he's paying attention.

Well, I don't understand why you spend time with this guy.

What can I do, break up with him?

Tell him, "I don't think we're right for each other."

It's a guy.

At least with a woman, there's a precedent.

You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it.

No, no, no, no.

You have to approach this as if he was a woman.

Just break up with him? Absolutely.

You just tell him the truth.

The truth?

Now, as a guy,

I don't know how can I break up with another guy.

You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill,

I feel I need to see other men."

You know what I mean? There is nothing I can do.

I have to wait for someone to die.

I think that's the only way out of this relationship.

It could be a long time.

See, the great thing about guys

is that we can become friends based on almost nothing.

Just two guys will just become friends

just 'cause they're two guys.

That's almost all we need to have in common.

'Cause sports--

Sports and women is really all we talk about.

If there was no sports and no women,

the only think guys would ever say is:

"So, what's in the refrigerator?"

So my shrink wants me to bring my mother in

for a session.

I mean, this guy is a brilliant man.

Lenny Bruce used to go to him,

and, I think, uh, Geraldo.

I read the Lenny Bruce biography.

I thought it was real-- Hey, hey, hey.

We're starving here! Interesting how--

We've been waiting here for 10 minutes already.

-he would...

So I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer.

You know, I have to eat.

I mean, I'm hypoglycemic.

Anyway, the Hezbollah has invited me to perform.

You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon.

Yeah.

I'm gonna do it in Farsi.

Hey, do you think I need a haircut?

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'll have the egg salad

on whole wheat.

Yeah, let me ask you a question.

This, uh, this turkey sandwich, here,

is that real turkey or is it a turkey roll?

I don't want that processed turkey.

I hate it.

I think it's real turkey.

Uh-huh. Is there a real bird in the back?

No, there's... no bird, but--