About a Boy

You and me, Saturday night.

I am taking you out.

Are you sure?

Yep, absolutely.

You don't have plans with the wife and kid?

Ha-ha. Fiona's not my wife.

Marcus is not my kid.

Okay, well, you have to admit,

your relationship with them is pretty odd.

Sometimes odd, sometimes quite normal.

She accosted my kid, and basically attacked me the other night.

Okay, well, that would go in the odd bin.

- You know, Will-- - You and me, Saturday night.

No distractions. Okay?

- Okay. - No distractions.

Okay.

Oh, man.

My life used to be so simple.

I mean, come on.

Story?

This is Shell Silverstein.

He's an emotional support turtle I've procured for Marcus

to help him get over his breakup with Shea.

And before you make

some ridiculous, immature comment,

I would like to remind you that this horrific mess

is largely your fault.

Just because I bring Clay along on a date

does not mean that that the whole--

Whoa, Nellie.

Darling, why don't you have a snuggle off Mr. Shell.

I've tuned our ukes.

Now, what do you want to start with?

We Shall Overcome or Amazing Grace?

I can't just sit by and watch this happen.

Marcus, you need to go back to school,

you need to hold your head up high,

and you need to show Shea and the rest of the world

that you're super fine without her.

Maybe it is time for me to face society again.

I think we should do five or six verses of Amazing Grace

and then see where that leaves us.

I can see why you wanted to run away.

This is torture for that guy.

Psss, okay, I did not anticipate this.

I told you this was too soon.

If this turns out badly, Will, I blame you.

- Oh, there we are. - Hold Shell Silverstein.

Good luck, darling.

Hey, where have you been the past few days?

You know, just hanging and chilling.

I've been performing healing rituals in the love bubble

with my mom, and if I'm to be totally honest with you,

we burned a lot of your stuff in effigy.

You're so weird, Marcus.

Hey, so I got our tix for the dance.

- Cool. - Hey, Marv.

Hey, buddy.

Listen.

Granted that this love in the air thing is a bit of a dark wrinkle.

I still think it was a good idea that you came to school.

Will, my future has become crystal clear to me now.

Homeschooling.

Enough of this. New plan, all right?

No longer are we going into school

just hoping to blend in.

We are gonna go full makeover,

you're gonna go to that dance,

And you're gonna get a new girl.

I think you may be confusing me for you, Will.

You don't know this yet, Marcus,

but your stock has gone way up.

You were just dating the cutest girl in school.

Every girl knows it.

So you are going to the dance,

you are going to bag a new babe,

and I am so excited about it

that I'm gonna come along with you as your wingman.

Let's go get some tickets.

How did it go?

It went great.

I'm gonna give Marcus a nice little makeover,

I'm gonna take him to the dance,

and I'm gonna help him bag a new babe.

- What? - Now give me the keys.

- I'm driving home. - What do you mean? I--no.

You almost got into five accidents.

I was very emotional.

- Exactly, So this is why I should drive. - No, you're not driving.

- Give me the keys. - No, I--

you are in no place--

- Give me-- - Just let go.

I'm gonna bite your finger.

Hey!

So, what's going on here?

Nothing, we're just having one of our little spats.

- Yeah. - Hmm.

Just like an old married couple.

- We're not married. - Old?

- Get in the car. - I'm not getting in the car.

Just get in the car.

- And get in the car! - Let me out.

Five seconds!

What's going on?

She gonna be okay in there?

Just crack a window! Crack a window.

She's fine.

Well, I can see you're a little busy...

- No, no. - At the moment.

So, I'll just see you on Saturday.

Yeah, I'll s--

Saturday.

Is there a problem?

- There is, isn't there? - No.

And I'm willing to bet

that it is Marcus and Fiona related.

No, there's no problem.

Just shh.

It's not a problem at all. Here's the deal.

I was thinking, instead of going out to dinner,

what if we went to the Love Is In The Air dance...

What?

You want to take me to a middle school dance?

Yeah, well, you know, you told me you never had

a prom experience,

but instead, just have, like, an awesome time together.

You can have the prom experience you never had.

I'm gonna pick you up at 7:00 in a limo at your house,

and we're going, okay?

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Just you and me, right?

It's the gonna be the--

It's gonna be the best prom experience ever.

Okay.

You bastard.

We barely had enough oxygen to breathe in there...

- Cracked window right there. - Shell and I.

Ridiculous statement.

We have decided

that we are going to be chaperones,

Shell and I, for this dance.

You are not going to the dance.

Oh yes, I am. Marcus has to have someone there for him.

Soon as I find out if it is all right to bring

a license-pending therapeutic turtle.

Ridiculous.

is she walking towards me?

Is that your baby?

She is so adorable.

- Thank you. - I am practically

this little miracle's uncle.

Oh, wait, you're Marcus, right?

You and Shea are, like, together?

We were, but then she dumped me for a--

Marcus has moved on from Shea.

Oh, that's too bad.

Actually, technically, he's avail

for the dance on Saturday night, right, bud?

Oh, cool.

Well, you know, I'm available, too.

You hear that, buddy?

She's available too.

Marcus?

What's going on?

Snap out of it.

Snap out of it.

Excuse us for one sec.

Dude, are you going into a fugue state?

I don't know.

Part of going into a fugue state

is not knowing when you're going into one.

Listen to me.

Open up your entire nervous system

and just repeat whatever words

you hear me saying, okay?

Okay.

- I'd be honored... - I'd be honored...

If you'd go to the Love Is In The Air dance with me.

If you'd go to the...

the...

I'm sorry.

You are really a nice girl.

But I'd be doing you wrong by taking you to this dance.

That's way off book. Way off book.

My heart is already spoken for.

It is owned by Shea Garcia-Miller,

and I have to go to this dance alone

to win back my love.

Jerk.

And your baby isn't even that cute.

Wha--huh?

Well, you smell like poo.

- That's the baby. - That is the baby.

Okay, where's a changing table in this place?

Well, you've really bungled this one, haven't you?

Because of you, my little boy

has to go to this dance ostensibly alone.

Okay, I've bungled nothing.

I was about to get him a date,

and he went fugue on me, and then he went rogue.