Abby's

.

- "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live, outdoor audience.

- Three bucks. - Hold on.

I got a proposition for you.

Fine. Quickly.

- I am here on this stool every night for five hours.

I haven't missed a day in three years.

- Yes, you're the Cal Ripken of low-grade alcoholism.

Thank you.

I believe my being on this stool

creates a festive drinking atmosphere,

and I should be compensated for that.

With free drinks.

What you got there, Beth?

Dartboard.

I bought it for my boys, but, uh, five minutes in,

they were just throwing darts at each other's faces,

laughing and screaming, blood everywhere.

I think they might be legitimate psychos.

And I might be a terrible mom.

Oh well.

Abby, can we keep it?

I'm not sure how the scoring works,

but I'm willing to waste a lot of time on the Internet

trying to figure it out.

I mean, I got a dentist appointment tomorrow,

but other than that, I ain't got nothing...

for months.

- I wanna hear pros and cons. Go.

- Pros: it--it's darts. It's fun. Case closed.

- Yeah. - Uh, con:

drunk people throwing pointy things.

- Big con. - Yeah.

- Pro: you don't have to be athletic to be good at it,

and I'm saying that because I'm not athletic.

I'm big, so people assume I am,

and then they get me on the field,

and they be like, "Nah."

- Con: darts feels kind of British.

- Ew. - Hold on, though.

Is darts British?

- Are you fact-checking me, Fred?

- No, I'm just--I--I'm not sure that darts is British.

- Well, I mean, you're either fact-checking me,

or you're just, uh...

talking.

- Come on, Fred, do it. Don't let her psych you out.

- - Yeah, Fred, go for it.

It's fine. Do it. - Don't. Don't do it.

Fine. Challenge!

- Ha! - Ha! You idiot.

To the books.

- You feeling confident? - Yes.

Okay, here we go.

"Darts: created in 1896

by a Lancashire carpenter."

- And where is Lancashire, James?

Lancashire...uh...

- No, James. That was rhetorical.

Lancashire is obviously in England.

It's a very English word. I'm right.

In accordance with rule number seven,

the punishment for losing a challenge,

I present you with one sugary, disgusting, lime-flavored

not-beer.

Enjoy.

Ugh. The smell.

Why do people do this to alcohol?

Abby, wait.

Can we keep the dartboard?

I'm okay with it as long as

you figure out a good place to put it.

- How about the back fence? - No, that's too low.

You need something eye level.

What if we asked Skip to move?

- I'm not asking Skip to do anything.

He might yell.

And I don't like confrontation.

You're the bouncer.

I know. It's messed up.

Excuse me.

Where can I find Abby?

- Ooh. - Well.

Buddy, you don't just waltz in here

and ask for Abby.

Drinking here is a coveted honor.

You have to work your way up the ladder.

- Yeah, there's a vetting process for new people.

First three weeks, you're on the back benches.

You keep your voice down. You drink what Abby tells you.

- Actually, I-- - Too loud.

Half that. Eyes down.

- And after three weeks, if you're chill,

you move on to the random chairs section.

- Yeah, you stick it out at the chairs

for three to six months... - Mm.

- You're a full-fledged member. You can sit at the bar.

It's a bit of a process,

but once you're in, you're family.

You never drink alone again.

- What the hell are you talking about?

You--what is this? Who are all these people here?

- This is Abby's. This is where we go

to drink and hang out, 'cause we like it.

Who are you? - Bill. I'm Abby's landlord.

- What? No, you're not. My landlord is an old lady.

James, kick him out.

- No, this is not my new sweater.

This is my--it's my first time wearing it here.

- Yeah, so, your former landlord, Alice,

passed away. She left me this house.

I'm her nephew, Bill.

Is this a bar in my aunt's backyard?

What?

No, no. These are all just...

my friends.

- Yep. - Yeah.

- Just people who happen to know each other.

- Emergency contacts. - Yeah.

We just, like, hang out like this,

all together in a group.

Mm-hmm. With a cash register.

- I collect old cash registers, as do many other people.

- What people? - People that...

I shouldn't have jumped in.

- Could I get a beer, please? - Sure, man.

Here you go.

- Okay, it's three bucks, right?

- Whoa. Whoa, there, friend.

Why are you giving me money?

Mi casa es su casa.

- Weird move-- giving her money for a beer

in a social, non-business situation?

Who does that?

Just drink the beer, man.

- No, this is a bar-- on my property.

I mean, this is super illegal.

You gotta shut this down right now.

- Look, you weren't expecting this. I get it.

But before you rush to judgment,

let me at least show you around.

I mean, it's-- it's really great.

It's not scary at all.

"Show me around"?

I mean, this is a small rectangle,

and I'm very tall. I can see everything.

The chairs, the-- - Just bear with me?

Okay.

Um, all right.

Over here. When I first moved in,

there was this creepy fountain thing over here,

so I junked it, and I brought in this cool vintage jukebox.

- You know, my uncle carved that fountain

out of a single piece of stone.

- It was there to commemorate a World War II battle

where he lost his best friend.

- And now it's a jukebox. -

- What kind of music do you like?

I like jazz, actually.

You, uh, not a fan?

Not a fan of jazz, Bill.

- Okay, but hold on a second. What about saxophones?

I mean, saxophones are cool.

- Yeah, so cool. Um...

I like how they curve.

And how people close their eyes when they play them, I guess.

Let's move on. Look.

Neighborhood people, just hanging out,

having a good time.

Before I opened this place, there was nowhere for us to go.

We were all just scattered to the wind.

Mm.

Homeless.

This is more than just a bar, Bill.

It's...it's a community center.

- Huh. That is very moving.

Uh, I was told that you force people to sit here

until you decide you don't hate them anymore.

No, people choose to sit here

until we figure out

how to incorporate them into the community.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, hi there, friend. - Hmm?

- Uh, my name's Bill. This is my property.

I just wanted to come over here and give you permission

to sit or stand anywhere you want.

- Nah. I'm fine.

- Okay, this is insane. She's not an emperor.

- I don't think this is working.

- He's a jazz fan, Beth. How am I supposed to convince

a jazz fan of anything? His brain is warped.

- Okay, here is what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna turn on the charm,

make him feel like he's part of the group--

make him feel invested, you know?

- Yeah. Yeah, that could work. Get in there.

Do your thing, man.

- Hey, Bill! Buy you a beer?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Well, that was my big gun.