Friday Night Dinner

Ripped By mstoll

Someone's in a hurry.

Oh, hi Jim, what are you...

Oh, yes, no, this is one of Wilson's "preferred areas".

- "Preferred areas"? - Yes.

- For? - Oh, uh...

Great.

Well, see you later then.

Yeah. Bye.

Come on, lovely.

You've emptied your bottom...

Come on, Wilson.

The body parts were found buried in the basement

of Crippen's home,

although the head, limbs and skeleton were never recovered.

Oh, please can you stop watching your horrible murder programmes.

But it was Crippen.

Never mind Crippen. Can you get the ketchup, please?

- (IN SPOOKY VOICE) The tomato blood! - And maybe put some clothes on?

- Why wasn't I a caveman? - You are a caveman.

And hurry up, they'll be here soon.

What? I said... (HUFFS)

Just get me the ketchup!

Here's your tomato blood!

- Hi Dad. - (SPUTTERS)

Oh, you bleeding idiot! You...

Dad! - Ow! Shit on it!

- (CHUCKLES) What happened?

- Oh, look at you! - My shitting knuckles!

- You all right? - Sorry, Dad.

- When did you get here? - Hmm?

Inside!

Ugh! What were you doing creeping up on me like that?

Martin, they'll be here soon.

Bloody paralysed hand.

- Dad's made an effort. - What? His special pants?

- Ah! - (CHUCKLES)

- Big night tonight. - (GASPING) I know.

Adam and Emma, Emma and Adam...

Wonder what she's like.

Hideous?

But not as hideous as that.

Thank you, but none of us want to catch a disease tonight.

But it's a waste!

Oh, just try and be normal for Adam's girlfriend.

What? Of course I'm going to be normal.

Mmm.

And you'll be nice, won't you, Jonnyboo?

No...

Hi! - (DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, my God, they're here already.

- They're here? - Wait!

Sorry, Martin, she's not seeing you like that.

- What? - You'll have to go outside.

- But... Mum!

- I'll get you in a minute. But Jackie!

Coming!

Hello!

- Hi. - Sorry, we're early.

Oh! Don't be silly.

- Erm, Emma, my mum. - Lovely to meet you.

Oh, and I bought you some yellow things.

Oh, they're gorgeous! Thank you.

- My brother, Jonny... - All right, Pusface?

- Very good. - All right, Pissface?

- Oh! - (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, I love your hair! - Thanks, I grew it myself.

She grew it herself!

Yes, Mum.

Well, come through.

- Where's Dad? - Er...

He's upstairs, just getting...

- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Oh...

Who's that?

- Excuse me. Dad?

- Martin? - Do you like ketchup?

- What are you... - I trod in some bloody dog shit.

Ugh! - Lovely!

I'm the father, Martin Goodman.

Hello, Father Goodman.

Sodding thing...

I'm really sorry.

No, it's good so far!

I had to throw me bleeding sock away.

Sorry, but you're not washing your disgusting foot in my sink.

But Jackie!

Right, then.

No Martin, we've got a guest!

Oh... - Dad!

Ah...

A pleasure to meet you.

Sorry again, Emma.

It's OK, thanks. Now I know where to find the footbath.

Adam told me you had a lovely sense of humour.

- Did I? - What else has he told you?

Likes it from behind.

Um, and you have a sister.

- Yeah, I do. - Oh, I would have loved to have had...

...girls.

- Evening everyone. Hello.

- Father Goodman. - You all right now?

What?

Oh, apologies for before. Only, you know...

Dog faeces and...

Um, Emma was just saying she has a sister.

- Yeah. - Yes, we wanted girls.

We know.

So how long's it been, then?

- "It"? - Your courtship?

Excellent.

Uh, we have been courting for precisely...

- Eight weeks? - No, nine weeks!

Oh yeah. Nine weeks!

Oh, how lovely.

What?

Oh, the hands.

- Yes, they're holding hands. - Great.

Oh, did you see that programme the other night,

the one with the hands?

Um, I might need a few more details.

Yes, could you be more vague?

It was all about murder within the family.

Oh, not this now.

Well, the man who did it had these great big hands.

- (GROWLING) - Thank you, Martin.

Has anyone in your family been murdered?

Um, no, not yet.

Although sometimes I'd quite like to strangle my sister.

Well, the hardest part isn't the actual killing.

It's working out what to do next.

Also available for children's parties.

The best thing would be to put your sister's body in the bath...

- OK. Hmm.

Then turn on the taps and pour in loads and loads of washing powder.

- Seriously... - Washing powder?

Yes, it acts as an acid, so all the flesh on your sister's body

would be stripped off quite soon.

Dad!

Then all you'd have to do is burn or grind down her bones.

Welcome to the family.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Just... No more murder stuff, all right?

- Yes. - Or burning bodies.

What am I meant to talk about?

Anything! Just not murder or burning bodies.

I suppose I could always talk to her about physics.

- Does she like physics? - No one likes physics.

No one likes physics? Are you mad?

What about the principles of magnetism?

- She must like magnets. - Bye-bye.

- Can't we just burn his body? - (LAUGHS)

Can I be of any hindrance?

Oh thanks, sweetie.

Um...

- If you could maybe take this in... - OK, thanks.

- Oh, have you got a straw? - (LAUGHS)

- Save some for me! - (BOTH LAUGHING)

- Adam... - What?

- Mmm... - (GROANING) Oh... Mum!

Ooh, she is a lovely girl!

Lovely girl. Mmm.

Get off! Go inside.

Mum, do you think Adam will marry that girl?

Ignore him, Bobble.

Thanks, Mum.

Do you think you'll marry that girl?

Dad just ate ketchup straight from the bowl.

- He did? - Starters.

- Have I got any on my face? - Only in your ear.

And here's the chicken.

- Oh, lovely, Jackie. - Yeah, lovely bit of squirrel!

Ooh!

Emma, you'll have to have a tour of the house later.

OK, cool.

Maybe Adam can show you his old room...

I'm definitely not showing you my old room.

- Oh... - Why not?

Because I'm not 12 any more.

Oh yeah, I always forget he's been through puberty.

So what are you hiding up there, then?

Just dead bodies! (LAUGHS)

Sorry.

- Ooh, that's the other woman! - Ha-ha.

It's all right, I know about her.

Oh, take whatever you want, love.

Thank you.

- You all right? - Um...

- You OK? - What?

- (CHUCKLES) - Yeah, fine.

Just... Work.

Erm... Sorry, just one moment.

Jonny...

Yeah, one moment.

Boys?

- So, Emma... - Yes?

Do you like magnets?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What? - This is not happening.

What is not happening?