Retired at 35

Hi, Alan.

What did you want to see me about?

Well, I got the bill

from the clubhouse at the golf course.

Oh. I needed a new visor,

and then that didn't match my shirt,

and then the skirt was wrong,

and then it snowballed into shoes.

Sorry.

No, it's David.

He's really living some lifestyle down here.

Drinks at the pool, golf, late lunches.

When did our son turn into my second wife?

Let him be.

What he be is expensive.

He worked his butt off for 12 years in New York.

He's relaxing now. It's a good thing.

See, that's why he's in this position.

He's been coddled.

He's been loved.

It's good for his self-esteem.

Self-esteem, that's silly.

Self-loathing, that's what drives you.

Oh, hi, sweetie. How are you?

Mom, I am great.

I figured something out. I had a major epiphany.

Really?

Is it something important to do with your life?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I totally fixed my golf swing.

Yeah. Well, me and the pro.

I mean, those lessons are really paying off.

That's great, son,

but your mom and I were just wondering...

Your dad was wondering. I'm on your side.

What's your next move? Do you have a plan?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think about it sometimes.

I mean, I've done the corporate thing,

so for me, the important thing is

I want to do something I like that's fun.

- Perfectly legitimate. - Thank you.

Complete hooey.

Hooey? But, dad, you said...

and I remember this...

you said that if I was stuck

in a job I hated, I should quit.

I never said you should quit.

That's not how it went.

The point is, it's a slippery slope you're on.

Alan, every time you give him advice,

something bad happens.

You're like a mis-fortune cookie.

No, no, no, mom, it's okay.

Dad has a point. You know what, dad?

I will give some serious thought

to what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.

Well, I know what you're gonna do tomorrow.

Oh, yeah? What?

You've got seven job interviews.

Right. Good one, dad, yeah.

How crazy would it be if you actually went out and did that?

That would be... oh, my God, you did!

Retired at 35 1x09 - Workin' Man Original air date March 16, 2011

I can't believe your dad wants you to get a job.

Does he know what that'll do to your golf swing?

David, this is so exciting.

So what kind of jobs are you up for?

Oh, my dad set up a bunch of meetings.

It's mostly corporate stuff.

Uh, one is associate director of digital media sales

for the southeast corridor.

Is that even a real job?

I got a buddy who does that.

- Really? - No.

But if David gets the job,

I'll have a buddy who does that.

Hello, boys.

- Hey, Susan. - Hi, sweetie.

Hey, mom.

Listen, I gotta get back to work.

But, mom, you can hang out and chat with my boyfriend.

Look at that. I have a boyfriend.

Well, that makes one of us.

If you run into an old rich guy at the bar,

send him my way.

Don't I always?

- Right back. - Okay.

Now that the kids are paired up,

what say the adults

spend some adult time doing adult things?

Brandon, sweetheart,

do me a favor and go get me a soda water,

and if a little vodka falls in,

it won't exactly ruin my day.

Vodka Falls sounds like the greatest vacation spot ever.

So, David, how are you?

Oh, I'm good. Yeah, no, I'm really good.

I'm so good, I'm super.

You seem a little nervous.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, it's probably just 'cause

my dad set up a bunch of interviews for me for tomorrow.

And it's not because we slept together,

and just two seconds ago, you were kissing my daughter?

Hadn't crossed my mind in the least.

David, listen to me.

I'm glad you're dating Jessica.

I think you two are good together.

What happened between you and me

is ancient history.

- Really? - Yes.

I've had 17 lovers since you.

- What? - Kidding.

Gosh, you're fun to mess with.

Where's my drink?

Did I miss him? Is he gone yet?

Not yet.

He's been getting ready for over an hour.

It's like Project Runway in there.

He didn't take one of those long showers

like in high school, did he?

It used to make him very sleepy.

Okay, all ready for my interviews,

took a nice, long shower...

- How do I look? - Oh, great.

I'm sure it's gonna go wonderfully, honey.

You ready to conquer the world?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, look,

it's been 12 years since I've been on an interview,

and I know it's really tough out there,

- but I feel very good. - Good.

And if for some reason it's not going well,

ask them about their mother.

That always works. People love mothers.

But not their mother-in-law.

Don't bring that up.

Have fun. You can do this.

Don't be nervous. Be yourself

and stand up straight.

Mom, I was in business for a long time.

I can handle this. I am an adult.

Of course, you are.

Who's my little man?

So I had a successful 12-year run

at a very profitable Manhattan chopsticks company,

but I left because life is about finding your bliss,

your reason for being,

and for me, that's...

the selling of manufactured service industry uniforms.

I say what's life without risk?

Without taking some chances

and throwing caution to the wind?

I expect it's the same devil-may-care attitude

that made you Florida's largest Bible maker.

Oh, hell, I said "devil." I'm sorry.

And I've always found that success in business

really depends on your people skills.

Isn't that right, Doug?

I'm sorry... Dave?

Dave? It was Doug, wasn't it?

Mike!

Hey, how's your mother?

That is a wonderful picture of her, by the way.

That's my wife.

Oh! Do you validate?

Come on, buddy.

Cheer up.

The sun's out, birds are chirping.

Oh, no, no. No, they're not chirping.

They're mocking.

They're mocking birds.

David, just take a break from the couch.

It's the middle of the afternoon.

For the working man,

it's the middle of the afternoon.

For me, it's permanent midnight.

There's my sweet ray of sunshine.

One day, the sun's gonna burn out,

and we'll all be dead.

Uh, honey, sitting there all day

isn't gonna help.

You know what, mom?

You're right.

So I'm gonna go find a swamp

and see if the alligators are feeding.

I knew this would happen.

You rushed him back out there,

and he got crushed.

He'll be okay.

You gotta have the rough times

in order to have the good times.

I'll show you rough times.

I may have a warm, fuzzy exterior,

but know this... you broke my baby,

and you better fix him, or I will come down on you

like a stiletto heel on a cockroach!

Warm, fuzzy exterior?

The thing is, I only have one son,

and I've messed him up.

Sons are like pancakes.