Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks

Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!

All right, thank you!

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are ya?

How's it goin'? All right.

You guys standin' up, sit down.

Sit down.

See if I'm funny.

I've been inside for a year and a half just like you.

All right. It's nice to be out here in Denver, man.

It's legal on a state level, but not on a federal level, man.

Everybody out here dressing like they're fuckin' goin' hiking.

Your North Face pajamas and all this shit you guys have.

You guys all live inside.

So,

how have you guys been doin', man?

How has your pandemic been? You enjoyed it?

You been staying inside?

Are you being safe?

No!

I am so fed up with people--

"I ain't bein' safe! I don't fuckin' believe in it!"

"It's all a bunch of lies!"

We're just totally divided.

The people that are like, "You gotta get vaccinated."

"You have to wrap yourself in an afghan,

and you gotta cover your face and hold your breath

when you look at pictures of people."

And you got the other side, "I don't give a shit!"

"I'm gonna have my balls out, walkin' down the street,

'cause that's what Jesus said in John 13."

"I read it in my bible study class. I don't give a fuck."

"And if I get it, I'm goin' to the hospital and be like,

'All right, fix me, you were right.'"

Everybody, all hypocritical.

All the liberals, "You gotta wear the mask, gotta wear the mask."

Then half of them when they talk, they're pullin' it down.

They got it up under their fuckin' nose.

Then the other assholes, they were all patriotic for years.

"America, love it or leave it!"

"Support the troops!"

"You don't like it, get the fuck out."

"America, love it or leave it." All right, take the vaccine.

"Well, I don't trust the government."

Where the fuck did that come from?

I thought you were all about it.

I thought you were waving the flag and all of that shit.

Listen, here's the deal.

We're never gonna solve this shit until we all get on the same page,

which we know is never gonna happen, it's never gonna happen.

So, we gotta set up some Hunger Games shit to solve it.

And whoever wins, wins.

It's the non-vaxxers versus the vaxxers.

So there's a giant field,

and all the people who don't want to get the vaccine,

all the fatties and the fuckin' lunatics, right?

You gotta fuckin' run the length of the field

and try to make it to the other side

while there's a helicopter flying over you

and they're shooting the vaccine down at you.

All right?

And I know what you're thinkin', "Well, that ain't fair, man."

"I'm runnin' in my shit-kickers, you're up there in a helicopter

and you got a gun."

Well, here's how we-- it's a liberal with a gun, right?

They're not good at that.

Say, "Oh, my God, is it alive? Is it gonna hit me?"

"I don't feel safe!"

And by then, you're already halfway there.

One of the straps of your overalls is off.

If you make it to the other side, in the end,

just like dodgeball, we'll just score it.

"Who won?"

It's an idea, I don't know.

I just…

I don't know what else to do. I've kind of quit.

I'm like… I've got to be honest with you.

For the first like, you know, year of this shit,

I was an American, you know, and I was rootin' for everybody,

and then, I don't know.

They let us outside for a couple of weeks and then they sent us back in,

and I just didn't have it in me anymore.

It's like, "I don't care. I just don't give a shit."

"You know, I hope a lot more people die, I really do."

But the one good thing about this whole pandemic shit,

and I really hope by the time this fuckin' thing comes out

that this will be considered old, I don't know, God willing,

but the one great thing about this pandemic shit

is it kind of slowed down a little bit of that cancel culture.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's kind of hard to take your dick out at work when you're at home.

You know?

Some people still manage to do it.

They're on a Zoom call, no pants on.

All of the sudden, standing up, their chunk right in the screen.

Still figured out a way to get fired.

It was unreal.

It's kind of good, though, that those creeps got to take a break,

'cause I felt like cancel culture,

they were kind of running out of people to cancel.

You know?

As much as they wanted to make it seem, there really was a finite amount of people

that took their dick out at work.

Despite the stats, right?

"Every 1.6 seconds, somebody takes their dick out

and shakes it in a woman's face in a cubicle."

You're like, "What? Every 1.6 seconds?"

I must not have been paying attention.

"Every 3.2 seconds,

some man jizzes on a fern and rubs it in a woman's face."

Holy shit! I didn't know that.

Right? Yeah.

So fortunately they rounded up all of these fuckin' animals…

and they got rid of them, right?

But it kind of became like this cottage industry

and it was a way to kind of get rid of some men

that maybe were in your way, you know?

It's like anything.

You know, the initial thing, you agree with it,

and then it kind of gets out of control.

So, I don't know.

But it kind of ran out of people and there was this hilarious moment,

like last year where they started to try and cancel dead people.

Remember that? All of the sudden, out of nowhere, John Wayne was trending.

Have they got some found footage,

a new movie coming out that maybe they shelved?

Then all of the sudden it was all these stupid-ass "woke" white people, right?

"Oh, my God, did you see what John Wayne said

in Playboy in 1971?"

Can you-- this is a bunch of fuckin' white people

all up in arms about a dead white guy.

"I can no longer tolerate this."

"I can no longer tolerate dead-for-45-years John Wayne

saying things in a magazine that doesn't exist anymore."

"I am here for Black people."

These fuckin' idiots.

What kind of a fuckin' idiot white person refers to themselves as "woke"?

You know?

If you actually were socially conscious,

you'd realize that white people stole that word from Black people.

Once again doin' the Elvis thing. Right?

But you know what, I blame Black people for that.

One of them fucked up.

They were at a party, there was white people there,

and they let it slip out.

"Stay woke" or however the fuck you say it.

And some white person heard it, like, "Ah, what was that?"

"Oh, my God."

"'Stay woke'? I wanna say that."

"I gotta say that around my white friends so they know that I'm down."

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna fuckin' say that."

"I'm fuckin' woke. I'm fuckin' woke."

"I'm a woke stickler."

"I've fuckin' had it, I've had it."

"I support Black people in my white apartment on Twitter."

"That's what I do. I'm fuckin' here for you."

Every white person likes to lie to themselves

that if they were alive 150 years ago,

that they would have been working on the underground railroad,

trying to help slaves escape, right?

"I would be one of the good white people, yes."

"I would have taken time out of my day, risked my life."

And the reality is, is you'd be doing back then

exactly what you're doing today-- nothin'.

Not a fuckin' thing.

Maybe a little #BlackLivesMatter.

"Oh, my God, my heart breaks on my L-shaped couch."

My favorite thing about the Black Lives Matter marches

was the store windows that would have the plywood over the windows,

and then it would say, "Black lives matter"

on top of the plywood.

I just loved the duality of that message, you know?

It's like, "Black lives matter, we're all the same, we're all one."

"Don't burn down my store, you fuckin' animals!"

"Everybody is welcome in this store."

"Anyone can come in."

"One at a time, follow him!"

"It's just a safe space for everyone."

Yeah.

John Wayne was born in 1907.

That's what the fuck he's gonna sound like.

Then you got all these douchebags going like, "That's not an excuse."

It's like, "Yes, it is."

It absolutely is.

You are of your time.

Look at these young kids.

Remember, for a year and a half, they'd take a water bottle.

They're all standing around and one kid would flip it,

and if it landed upright, they'd go…

"Oh, shit!" And they'd just lose their fuckin' minds.

I didn't understand it.

But I'm born in 1968, so I'm just like,

"All right, well, no one tried to slap it out of the way."

"You do it enough times, it's gonna fuckin' land upright."

"What is happening here?" Right?

I don't wanna ruin their good time.

They're excited, they're gonna get on their scooters and ride off.

Like a little posse or some shit. I'm like, all right, you can do that.

Yeah. So that was like a thing for like half a second.

Sean Connery died. The great Sean Connery.