South Park

All characters and events in this show--Even those based on real people are entirely fictional.All celebrity voices are impersonated...poorly.The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.

south park season 14 episode 3

I'm goin' down to south park gonna have myself a time

friendly faces everywhere h umble folks without temptation

goin' down to south park gonna leave my woes behind

ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor

heading on up to south park gonna see if I can't unwind

come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine

21!22!23!24!25!

Oh,I wish I could exercise with the rest of the team,coach.

But I've got such a belly ache.

You seem to have a stomach ache every time we do drills and exercises.

I know,it sucks!

Alright,kids.Practice is over for today.

Kfc!

Oh boy!Oh boy!

I'm gonna get a three-Piece meal and crispy strips!

Cartman,you only come to soccer practice on fridays,

And that's only because we get to have kentucky fried chicken afterwards!

Shut up,you shifty jew!

I'll kill you!

Oh sorry,sorry.

I just-- You know when I've been waiting too long for the colonel's chicken,

I get easily agitated.

You're a kenny!

Ugh.Sorry.

Oh,here we are!Here we are!

Hey,it looks different.

Hey,uh,what's up with the KFC?

Oh,it's not a KFC anymore.

It's a medicinal marijuana dispensary.

A what?

Dude,what the?What the?

So where's the KFC now?

Alright,boys,wait out here.Let me see what's going on.

Can I help you,sir?

Yeah,uh,we were actually looking to get some KFC.

Oh,yeah.Sorry,that's gone.

We only sell marijuana here.

Really?

I'm mean,you're openly selling pot for reals?

Sure.

New state laws say it's okay.

Woo-Hoo,alright!

I love the future!

Let's see,I'll take half a pound of that jamaican passion

And gimme some of that purplish stuff too!

Alright.

I'll just need to see your physician's reference.

My huh?

Well,sir,we can't just sel the marijuana to anybody.

You need a reference from your doctor to show it's necessary.

Oh,that's dumb.

Okay,okay,I'll be right back

- What'd they say? - Kfc's gone.

Been replaced.

That can't do that!

This is the only KFC in all of south park.

Yeah,well,I gotta get to the doctor.

The doctor?But dad,we wanna eat first.

I gotta get to the doctor.

So no KFC?

This is a nightmare.

This is a nightmare and I can't wake up!

Well,mr.Marsh,it looks like you are in perfect health.

Your blood work came back great,and all your vitals appear normal.

Alright!

Yup,you check out fine.

That's great.

So can I get a referral from you?

For what?

Medicinal marijuana.

There's a shop that opened in the old KFC

And they said I need a doctor's referral to buy weed.

Mr.Marsh,you don't qualify for medicinal marijuana.

But you said I'm totally healthy!

Medicinal marijuana is for people who aren't healthy!

Aids patients,cancer patients.

You know?People going through chemo.

The thc helps them eat and take the pain.

You are in fine shape!

Wul,that sucks.

Wul,so,doctor,how do most people get cancer?

Well,there's a lot of ways you can get cancer.

Yeah,but what's the quickest way?

The what?

Wul,like,what forms of cancer induce in time

***

For the ziggy marley concert next saturday in denver?

Mom,drive faster.

The KFC in salida is a long way away,sweetie.

Be patient.

Shut up and drive faster!

I've been waiting for chicken too long!

Eric,we're almost to frisco.

Why don't we just go to the church's fried chicken there?

What?

Church's fried chicken tastes like cat!

Alright,honey,let's take it easy.

**** you!

No!No!What's going on?

Move aside!

It's closed,kid.There's nothing in there.

No,you can't do this.

The KFC in my town is closed,too!

Yeah.Well,that's because of the vote last november to ban fast food in low income areas.

You mean I have to drive all the way to denver to get chicken?

No!You don't get it kid.

Kfcs were only in low income areas.

In the entire state of colorado,kentucky fried chicken is illegal.

Noooo!

Dad,mom says to stop trying to give yourself cancer.

Just gonna get a little bit of cancer,stan.

Tell mom it's okay.

Methadone clinic

Can I help you?

I need -- Somebody said you could help me.

I have to have -- I haven't had KFC in almost a week.

Alright,sign your name on the release form,put down the time.

- Really? - Your birth year,and we'll get you through the next 24 hours.

What are you serious?

**

Oh my god!That's KFC gravy!

You have KFC.Yes!

This is it?

One lousy little cup of gravy?

This is a clinic to help you get over your addiction.

Who wants just gravy?

It goes on mashed potatoes!

On extra crispy chicken skin!

If you don't want it,that's fine.

No!

Frozen and processed foods appear to have a direct link

To many forms of stomach and colon cancers.

Alright.

Tests show that preservatives found in these foods are the leading cause.

However,luckily,most of these cancers are slow growing and can take years to develop.

Damit.

Testicular cancer.

Most common in older men,and can be extremely aggressive.

Oh this is good.

There is no data on what causes testicular cancer to grow so rapidly.

However,the primary causes of testicular cancer are linked to

Or an exposure to high doses of radiation.

Oh,hey,stan.Could you grab me a beer?

Stan?

Sharon!Hey,hey,Sharon!

What?

Mr.Marsh,I'm afraid that the tests came back positive.

You do have testicular cancer.

Score!

Now,the good news is it hasn't spread anywhere.

We should probably schedule to have them removed

Yeah,yeah,but for now can I finally get my prescription please?

Your prescription for what?

Buffalo soldier in the heart of america

***

Stolen from africa brought to america

***

She was fightin' on arrival

***

1 ounce of purple lurple,2 ounces of fishermen's friend and a half ounce of alabama kush!

Oh,that is nice.

That is nice.

Randy?Jesus,Randy!

- Your balls! - I know!

Smoking pot right in front of a cop!

Pretty sweet,huh?

No,I mean your actual balls!

Oh yeah.Testicular cancer.

Here you want some?

Oh wait!You're healthy!

Hey bust his ass,officer!

Ha ha.

Hey kid,they say you're looking for some KFC.

- Yeah,who isn't? - Yeah.

Well,uh,we got some over at billy miller's house.

Billy miller?Seriously?

Ahh,eric cartman,right?

Tommy said you have some KFC.

Sure.

Jessie?

Oh my god,colonel's popcorn chicken and honey mustard sauce!

Oh god yes!

Where did you get that?

I have my sources.

That'll be $85.

85 bucks?

I don't have that!

Hold on,hold on.

You're a big boy,eric.

Maybe you can pay me back another way.

Do a little job for me.

I've got some serious KFC coming in from a dealer.

I need somebody willing to get a little risky and pick it up.

How much KFC are we talking?

Two buckets plus a three-Piece meal and four sides.

Holy,dude.

I've got the money to pay for it,but it's become a risky business out there.

You get the chicken for me and I'll make sure you are hooked up for life.