Autoerotic

OK, it's recording here.

Wave to the camera.

Oh, look at this one.

Actually, stand up.

- No. - Yes, yes.

How you doing?

Good.

Yeah.

Lay down there.

OK.

You know how it is, all right,

- I gotta be able to pull it up, here we go.

OK.

Oh, yes.

Stick it up for me, stick it up.

- Ow! - Is that too hard?

Yes.

Better? How 'bout this cheek?

Is that too hard?

- What're you doing? - Nothing.

It's too small.

- It's too small. - What?

My dick is too small, what do you think I'm talkin' about?

No, it's not. Let me see what you got here.

No, it's, babe, come on, I'm serious.

Like, the...

...the movies I watch or seen, the people you've been with,

- I mean, look at this, I mean, you know what it looks like,

- I mean there's nothing here. I mean, there's nothing here.

- I love your penis. - I mean...

- Come back to bed, OK. - I'll be back in a second.

What's up guys, this is Paul from My Size Matters.

And, uh, here to tell you all about my results-

of the penis enlargement pills.

These are the top four of my research, and here are the results.

The first two, the brown pills, I do not recommend these.

They did nothing for me.

The pills on the far right in the funny looking bottle,

- I actually got side effects from taking those-

and I had headaches and nausea,

- and I wouldn't recommend these to anyone.

The pills, uh, the white pills,

- I, are the winner, of this review, based,

- um, I was feeling results immediately, almost,

- within like two days, if you can believe that,

- and, uh, I'm taking them right now and they're great.

Um, my penis is getting bigger every day,

uh, longer, curve, everything, um.

Hey, babe, you got a package.

It just doesn't make any sense for me-

- to pay rent on my place when I'm here every night.

Plus, I buy all these groceries and they go bad...

...cause I'm here with you, cooking with you.

- It's just like a vessel that's sitting there... - Okey, okey, okey, okey.

Oh, fuck yes.

Yes.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Yeah.

I don't know what else to say to you.

I don't even understand why you're being this way.

Cause I love you.

Is it cause I got fat?

It's not because of anything you really...

- Then tell me what I did. - Did.

It's just not what I want, I'm just, you know,

- nothing you can say is really going to...

...change any of that.

Then I'll go.

You don't care do you? You don't care that I'm leaving, do you?

That's it?

You fucking asshole, you're a fucking asshole.

Whoa, this place is so cool.

This is like, a grown up apartment,

this is not like a Wrigleyville-

like a, okay that's enough, oh whoa.

- Is that enough? - Yeah. - There you go.

- Does it even have a big screen TV? - Upstairs. - Mmm.

How do you get to the top of there, how do you get.

- Here. - You have a lot of...

You have a lot of balls in your apartment.

Yeah, come on, let's, uh...

Is it an apartment or is it like a whole?

I mean, I guess, it's technically an apartment-

- but I have two more floors and I have one...

Are there people up there?

- Do you have roommates? - No, no, no.

No roommates, no cats, no dogs.

- No guinea pigs? - No, no nothing.

- You sure? - Yeah, no nothing.

- Help me out. - Whoa, hold up, hold up, hold up.

- Help me out. - You take that one off.

Wait, wait, OK.

And, up, there it is.

Oh, you have a sunburn.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. For just a second.

I'll be right back, OK?

I'll be right back, OK?

I'll be right back.

Get that fucking thing away from me you freak!

What the fuck, how do you get out of this fucking place?

Oh, fuck, oh you fucking freak!

Fucking freak!

I know we both said some things-

that we didn't necessarily mean...

...and I just think if we talk about it it'd be all right.

Babe, can't we just be mature and talk?

By the way...

...I've always hated your small dick.

Ahh, it's just you and me now.

Oh, but fuck it, it's cool.

I've waited for you for so long.

Nobody else seems to like you,

oh, but I love you.

How's it going in there?

Fine.

Do you think you might be ready soon?

Baby?

Sure.

What do you think?

I think they're silly.

No, they're so cool.

OK.

Are you wearing underwear under here?

Yeah, why?

Why are you wearing underwear?

Huh?

No, you're just supposed to wear the tights.

Seriously?

Yeah, will you change?

Hm.

Go stand in the doorway.

Turn around.

Take your bra off.

Lean against the door.

Play with your breasts.

I want you to play with yourself.

Hey.

- Hey. - Hmm?

Wake up.

Wake up.

One second.

Oh, sorry.

Yep.

Thanks.

So what were you saying about before?

Oh.

I just, I've been masturbating constantly,

I can't, I get turned on all the time,

I don't know how to stop it.

Well, what sets you off?

Like, heat, like the coffee cup turns me on.

And then like other types of drinks,

- like beer bottles have been really turning me on.

Like the shape of it, that shape,

- if Coke were in the bottle that would turn me on, too.

Or like, like riding my bike turns me on.

And like, really narrow streets turn me on.

And then, the sidewalk when it gets kind of sparkly-

- like at the end of the street, like where it goes in-

- to the actual street, when it gets sparkly there.

That does something to my eyes and that turns me on.

People in uniform, look,

- not so much police officers, but like, mailmen,

- that really turns, and like UPS, and also the boxes,

the wrapped up boxes.

That's really, that's really sexy.

Cards, like playing cards.

Particularly the royals.

Like the jack, and the queen and the king.

Hmm.

I don't know.

Well, that's OK.

Maybe you're just not fulfilled, you know?

Like, you know when you want chocolate,

- and you don't eat chocolate and you just keep eating things-

- and eating things, and when you should just have chocolate?

But what's the chocolate?

Can't figure it out.

Maybe you need to be a gasper.

What?

A gasper?

When you strangle yourself.

Oh, have you tried that?

Kind of sublime.