Shanghai Surprise

* I can't understand how I've gone astray

* I should be sailing away on a liner

* I was knocked on my back on a dock at Yangtze

* It's a hell of a way to see China

* But I'm ready

* You must be crazy

* And you got no money

* And you're a liar

* My straits are dire from the wok into the fire

* I'd like to trust you but I've broken my rickshaw

* Sometimes there's no hope in

* In chasing opium, man

* I'd like to love you

* But I'm not sure what's in your eyes

* Shanghai surprise

* Whatever you're saying, I want it anyway in

* Been hanging 'round like a kid at your back door

* Oh, babe

* You could be kinder and show me Asia Minor

* I'll let you love me

* Let you see what's here in my eyes

* Shanghai surprise

* You must be crazy * Crazy

* And you got no money * Money

* And it seems like madness

* Back streets so crowded that

* No room to swing a cat

* I'd like to know you but you're acting so coolie

* I'm finding out pursued by evil-looking dudes

* It's getting hot for me like tofu when it deep-fries

* Oh, Shanghai surprise

* But, baby, you look like any common crook

* That's hanging 'round in those real shady places

* While you assess me

* Why not try to impress me?

* Step over here, let me see what's there in your eyes

* Ah, Shanghai surprise

How can you stuff yourself at a time like this?

We should be on our way.

Simmer down, Willie.

We'll go when it's time to go.

Good God, man, the Japs are just down the road.

Don't fret about the Japs.

Their beef's with the Chinese.

We'll be fine once we cross the river

into the international settlement.

The flowers are ready, master.

Very good, Wu. Thank you.

Good God almighty,

we've been hanging about here for a bunch of bloody flowers?

Now, Willie. It's time.

You're cracked, Walter. You're nuts.

You'll get us killed over a bunch of flowers.

Not your everyday garden variety, Willie.

Take a look.

That's opium.

You're looking at a thousand dollars worth.

Best international currency in the world.

Half the weight of gold,

twice the value.

Nail it up, Wu.

Move out!

Walter, the bridge is that way.

We're going for China Doll.

For heaven's sake, Walter.

There'll be plenty of China Dolls where we're headed.

You ought to be taking notes instead of drinking.

Get a scoop for your paper,

eyewitness to the extraordinary getaway of Walter Faraday,

The Opium King.

The power's out everywhere.

Wu, light some torches.

With the whole Chinese sector about to fall,

you'd think she'd be waiting.

What the devil?

What the bloody hell...

We're in luck, Walter. It's not the Japs, it's the Chinese.

Now, look here, old man, we're on our way to the international...

Hello, Mei Gan.

I thought you'd be halfway to Mongolia by now.

I could not leave without bidding you farewell.

Where's China Doll? What have you done with her?

She was escorted to a safer haven by your loyal servant Wu Ch'En She.

He should have informed you, as he informed me, you might be coming here.

Now, you will kindly return to me what is mine.

I'm afraid my loyal servant

seems to have double-crossed us both.

He just ran off with it.

It won't do you any good.

Just the basic necessities for life on the road.

You know, for emergencies.

For luck.

A man can always use luck.

I'd skip that one, it's just mothballs.

Run like hell!

Come on. Jump for it, Willie. We've got to get across.

I can't. Walter, I can't.

Come on, Willie. We have to.

Whoo!

Walter! Wa...

Thank you, lady.

Where's my baggage, you castrated scum?

I want my baggage! You go! You go!

Miss Tatlock,

I think we've found our man.

Mr. Burns, you can't be serious.

If he can be of help, we'll use the devil himself.

What about my wallet? There was a wallet in this jacket!

You no money. You no go.

You stole my last ten bucks, you thieving cornhole pirate!

Sir, can we be of any assistance?

Yeah, have you got a torpedo handy?

Look at that.

He didn't even finish the nipples on my little sweetheart.

The Helping Hand aids many a weary traveler,

Mr...

Wasey. Glendon Wasey.

We can't help but sympathize with your predicament, Mr. Wasey.

I believe your ship is due to leave on Thursday.

How would you like to earn your fare?

Sorry. I'm not cut out for the soup kitchen. Thanks.

Well, all you have to do is make a few enquiries for us.

Yeah? Why me?

You speak Chinese with such flair.

Yeah, a lot of good it does me. I might as well quack.

We're anxious to contact a rickshaw puller.

He's the father of a soldier who's lost his leg.

The poor lad is delirious.

I've absolutely no aptitude for the native gibberish

and Miss Tatlock's only been here a few weeks.

The boy was barely able to scratch his father's name.

Can you make it out?

Wu Ch'En She.

You see, Miss Tatlock, I knew we'd picked a winner.

You know, people don't talk cheap here in Shanghai.

I'm gonna need a bankroll.

Whatever you need, Miss Tatlock will provide.

Not that we don't trust you, of course.

But a person free of financial responsibility

can perform much more efficiently.

What is that?

Amy the Killer.

I bought 100 gross of these babies in Canton.

They'll eat 'em up in LA.

They glow in the dark.

As a matter of fact, they're glowing in my crates right now.

Hey, how would you like to come into

the shadows with me and have a peek, baby?

It's perfectly bright enough as it is, thank you.

You know, I'll tell you something.

There's probably 10,000 rickshaw boys in Shanghai.

I'm gonna need a miracle.

You forget my calling, Mr. Wasey.

I believe in miracles.

Loan me ten cents, ma'am, will ya? I'm dry as a bone.

Absolutely not. I do not approve of drinking.

Look at me, I'm shaking. I can't be any good to you like this.

You're wasting your time, Mr. Wasey.

What about rice?

You don't have anything against rice, do you? I haven't eaten in three days.

Very well.

Thanks.

Mmm.

Uh, rice wine.

Look at that. Steady as a brain surgeon.

I have something to say to you, Mr. Wasey.

I do not intend to be made a fool of.

You're flippant, facetious,

and I suspect, sorely lacking in moral fiber.

However, I am duty-bound to Mr. Burns to work with you,

and I shall try.

We've made a deal, you and I and he,

and I expect you to live up to it.

Do I make myself clear?

You don't like me much, do you, ma'am?

Well, maybe after you get to know me a little bit, what do you think?

I think there's very little chance of that.

I expect our association to be an extremely brief one.

Pick one.

I'll do no such thing.

It's degrading to use your fellow man as a beast of burden.

Yes, but when you're looking for a rickshaw puller,

the best person to ask is the Rickshaw King.

We'll take a taxi.

Then we'll find the Taxi King.

This is deplorable.

Give me some money.

You're not going to gamble with mission funds, Mr. Wasey.

You call it gambling. I call it bribery.

Either way we've got to loosen some lips.

Come on, Jiminy, whip his ass, boy.

Wu Ch'En She!

Wu Ch'En She!

Wu Ch'En She!

I don't think this guy's very popular around here.

Uh, let's get out of here.

You really want to find this guy, huh?

We're not going to be discouraged by one little setback.

One little setback? I'd call it a lynch mob.

Alcoholics always tend to overdramatize.