Glee

I hold in my hand,

ladies and gentlemen,

our competition for regionals.

- Drumroll, please. -

From...

North Central High School in Indianapolis-

- the Hoosierdaddies. - That's very clever.

And from Our Lady of Perpetual Loneliness in Battle Creek, Michigan,

the Nun-Touchables.

Wait. Is that a convent?

Now, guys, I like our chances against both these squads,

but we still got a lot of work to do.

Mr. Schue, please stop talking. I have an announcement.

I regret to inform you...

a deadly asteroid is headed our way.

Wait. Didn't we just go through this at Christmas?

Yeah, and is it true you and Sam got married? Did that happen?

Shut up, Tina. I'm naming this comet Tubbington-Bopp,

and it is headed straight for Lima.

- Wait. So is it an asteroid or a comet? - It's both.

- Wouldn't NASA know something about this? - We can't trust NASA.

Last month a meteor exactly like Tubbington-Bopp hit Russia with no warning at all.

- Oh, so now it's a meteor. - That's right, Artie. And when this meteorite hits,

I will not be spending my time in this room preparing for regionals.

I will be spending my last hours making amends...

with somebody who I need to get right with.

Somebody who I love very much-

Lord Tubbington.

So go back to your homes and hide your wife,

hide your kids and hide your wife.

McKinley High, I salute you.

I'm really surprised that Jesus Christ Superstar...

has chosen to end the world this way instead of the way he killed off the dinosaurs,

which was a global yeast infection.

Do you think God will let me be a girl angel in heaven?

Wait. There are girl and boy angels?

Does that mean you can have angel sex?

All right. Show of hands.

Who's worried about Brittany's meteor-asteroid-comet prediction?

Okay. Well, here's how I see it.

There are two possible outcomes.

First, the meteor misses us,

and we go to regionals and we kick butt,

which will only happen if we prepare.

Or... we only have a few days to live.

And if that's the case,

we need to say everything we need to say...

to the people we love.

I can tell you from those couple weeks...

where I couldn't talk to Emma, that there is nothing worse...

than unfinished business with the one you love.

And meteor or no meteor,

any moment you have with those people...

might be your last one.

Bruce Springsteen always says...

that he plays every show as if it's his last.

And that is the kind of urgency we need at regionals this year.

So this week...

we're either gonna sing our last songs to each other...

or get in touch with what it feels like to do that.

Okay, everyone, let's make the most of it.

Dude. Dude, I saw her.

She goes here. I can't believe the coincidence.

Whoa. Slow down. Saw who?

Her. Katie.

Okay, listen. I haven't told you...

'cause it's a little embarrassing,

but I've been having this textlationship...

with this girl I met online.

She's funny. She's smart. She totally gets me.

But I figured she lived, like, halfway across the country or something...

and I'd have to steal my mom's Volvo...

for a spring break roadie to God knows where just to meet her.

But just this morning I was taking that English test on 7.984,

getting totally frustrated about how I'm supposed to write an essay on the dystopian future...

when the book is set, like, 13 years before I was even born.

And ('hen I looked up I0 clear my head, and ('here she was.

I couldn't believe it. I thought I was hallucinating,

but she looked right back at me as she walked by.

It was definitely her.

I tried to get up and go after her, but-

I think I'm in love with this girl.

Dude, you've got to slow down.

You haven't even met her yet.

It's like I've more than met her, okay?

Without all the awkwardness of looks or clothes or hairdos,

we really got to know each other, on the real.

I've got to meet her.

I think I'm gonna skip next hour and go class to class, looking in windows until I find her.

Okay, and then what?

You can't just walk into the middle of some class.

Can't wait for her in the hall and say, “Hi. I'm in love with you.”

You need some kind of a plan.

And it has to be special.

Lord Tubbington-

I know that through the years we haven't always gotten along.

Like the time that you filed paperwork to have me committed,

or the time you told the police that I was the one...

that brutally murdered that whole family of mice.

But I want you to know...

that through it all, I always loved you.

I don't think he believes me.

'Cause he won't say that he loves me too.

What's Lord Tubbington's favorite song?

Maybe you could let him know how much he means to you by singing it to him.

I stopped singing to Lord Tubbington out of protest when he joined the K.K.K.K.,

which is the Ku Klux Klan for Kats.

You could bring him by, and then we could all sing to him.

That way, you know, he'll see how much you love him,

and everybody else in the Glee Club...

will stop feeling like you're choosing a cat over them.

Sam, despite your outlandishly low test scores, you're a genius.

H-Hey. How you doing?

- Me? - Yeah, you. I've been dying to talk to you.

Seriously? Yeah.

I saw you walk by my class and I almost ran out of a test to come meet you.

I'm kind of freaking out right now.

That's cool. So am I.

Uh, sorry. I should really do this properly. I'm Ryder Lynn.

Yeah. Yeah, I know who you are.

Would you mind coming with me?

Hey, how you doing? What is happening?

And-

who are they?

They're the band.

And-Oh, my... God.

If I know you the way I think I do,

you're gonna love it even more after.

Okay, you are such a good singer,

and your arms are, like, so hunky.

I'm literally dying.

Uh, but... why me?

After all the time we've spent getting to know each other on Facebook...

and-and I.M.'ing and texting,

I wanted the first time we met in person...

to be something we remembered for the rest of our lives.

Okay. But we haven't been doing any of those things.

Yeah, we have.

The last few weeks, we've told each other everything-

all our secrets, our dreams.

Come on, Katie. You don't have to be embarrassed.

But my name's not Katie. It's Marissa.

No. No, I, um-Look. See?

Uh, here are all our texts,

and that's a picture you sent me of yourself.

Well, yeah, that's my picture, but I didn't send it to you.

I-I never wrote any of those texts.

Oh, my God. Someone's cat fishing you. It happened to Manti Te'o.

Someone stole a picture of me...

and used it to create a fake identity to get close to you.

Who the hell would do something like that?

I'm so sorry, Ryder.

But please-Please call me.

I, um-

Hey! Hey!

Hey, which one of you was it? VVhoa, dude.Dude.

It was you, wasn't it? What are you doing? Calm down.

Stringing me along online, pretending to be somebody else,

getting me to send you... pictures.

Because you still like me, and this is your warped way of showing it.

Well, that's messed up, Marley.

Ryder, I swear to you, it-it-This is not me.

Then it was you. Dude, I wouldn't do something like this.

You know, I get it. All right?

I get it that you didn't like me back.

I get it that I crossed the line,

but you didn't have to humiliate me.

You didn't have to make me feel so pathetic.

I thought you were still my friends.

I swear to you, we did not do this.

It had to be somebody close to me.

Somebody who knew exactly what to say to get me to trust them.

Do you want to talk about it?

I don't want anything from anyone.

Especially not either of you. Dude.

Dude.