Cougar Town

Hey, Bobby, you know how I told you no to feed the seagulls out back?

That's why.

Sorry.

Yeah, the seagull population in this town has exploded.

They're everywhere.

- As mayor-- - Oh!

- Mnh-mnh! - Ugh!

- What are you doing? - Ever since you became mayor,

you seem to really enjoy saying "as mayor."

So I decided whenever you do it,

whoever touches their nose last has to do the crab walk.

I don't say "as mayor" that much.

- Op! - Ah!

Get crabbin', bitch.

Wait.

Ooh. Ooh, this is murder on my hammies.

Hey, guys. I just saw an amazing documentary on tort reform.

I don't really care about pastries, Tom.

Uh, no, no, no. Uh, torts are a-a legal--

I don't care what torts really are.

Oh. Okay. Uh, you want some popcorn?

Tom, run!

Run? W-why would I, uh--

Aah! No! Stop! Aah! Don't! Don't!

- Oh! - Oh!

Don't! Make 'em stop! Ouch! They're everywhere!

Hey, guys, if you cover your eyes,

it sounds like we're at the beach.

- Ahh. - Ahh.

Beautiful.

_

Whoa. Wait.

What the hell? There's nowhere to sit. This sucks.

I know! My bar is full of people buying food and drinks.

I'm furious!

What's with that girl outside with the huge boobs

jumping rope, floppin' her boobies around?

- Flippity-floppity. Flippity-floppity. - Whoa. Oh.

Wow. How did you get so good at lying?

There's no shortcut. Just practice, practice, practice.

All these guys play in an adult dodgeball league.

How cool is that?

- Not. - Uh, zero.

Donald Trump. That means "not cool at all."

I wish we did more fun stuff.

But we do so much fun stuff.

Remember last weekend,

when we got in the pool and we drank wine?

How cool was that?

Ted Danson.

What? Ted Danson's not cool?

He's a judge on that new dance show called

"Can't Stop Danson."

No, he's not, 'cause that show doesn't exist.

I'll just join a dodgeball league

for lonely men whose wives won't do stuff to make them happy.

Fine. Sign us all up.

Hey, buddy. What's up?

What's up? We were supposed to meet at the boat for penny can.

I'm sorry. I was surfing with my buddy Riggs.

Riggs?

Man, look at all these gulls.

I haven't seen this many

since the coast guard had to explode that beached whale.

That was the saddest...

most awesome thing I've ever seen.

Do you like Riggs more than me?

How can I say this?

Even if Riggs turned out to be Batman,

I'd like you better.

Thanks.

You know, as mayor, I'm pretty close

to being this town's Batman.

Damn it.

Get down, son.

Yeah!

Yeah!

You're out.

Stop practicing dodgeball on me.

You suck.

Time for family dinner.

Uh, if it's family, then why is she here?

What am I supposed to do, eat with Andy?

I did that yesterday.

Nice cleavage.

I did it for Jules.

Love it.

You know the drill.

Family prayer before family food. Hands.

Okay, dear Lord,

thank you so much for our friends and our family.

Thank you for this wonderful food and...

- What was that? - Hmm? Nothing.

He was all like...

Why?

You throw food at me, you pay the price.

Bring it.

I'm gonna let that one go.

Do you have a problem with the family prayer?

No. I mean, I don't love holding hands with Mr. Sweaty Palms

or Lady Lizard skin--

ow!

I don't know. I guess I just find it a little...

What word won't offend you? Silly?

All right.

Dinner's over.

Not for you two.

You can eat in the other room.

He bailed on me for Riggs, too. He tried to tell me

they spent two hours having a burping contest.

Best of 3, 10-minute quarters,

pig latin tiebreaker... it could happen.

Hey, fellas. Sorry I'm late.

I was playing cards with my buddy, uh--

- Riggs. - Riggs.

Yeah?

Guys, meet Riggs.

But you're-- you're-- you're a girl.

Either my pecker fell off, or you're right.

Ee!

How come when you were hanging out with Jules,

you always look so sexy and put together.

But when you're hanging around here,

you look so...

- Careful. - Pretty in a different way?

I wanna be comfy when I'm at home.

That's my cracker pocket.

Those sweatpants are hideous.

Can't you be comfy and sexy?

I'm just gonna go down to the make-believe store,

'cause the comfy/sexy clothes are right next to

the condoms that are actually for her pleasure.

I'm on my way.

I can't believe you'd mock my prayer.

My cooking? Sure. The way I use my finger

to get food out of the back of my teeth,

and then use that same finger to stir the gravy?

Mock away.

I'm really sorry.

Do you even listen to what I'm saying when I do the prayer?

I hear you start, and-- and then I snap back

when you say, "amen."

What about the middle?

Well, that's my time.

I can still be mad while you rub my feet.

I thought we had the same ideas on faith.

What do you believe in?

I would say...

I don't believe in anything.

- God, if he's wrong, give me a sign. - Too late.

You have to say that before the giant bird flies in.

All right, welcome to dodgeball practice.

Any questions?

Ellie, what do you got?

Did you and Jules solve your religious crisis?

We got sidetracked

trying to shoo a giant bird out of the house.

He lives with us now. I named him Mr. Beakington.

We also decided that she can't be mad at me

for what I believe in. Any other questions?

How come sometimes I can see the Moon when it's daytime?

The rules are easy.

If you hit someone, they're out.

But you can't hit them above the shoulders.

So if someone throws a ball and it hits you in the face,

I--

Correct.

That person, which in this case is me, would be out.

Ha! Right in the puss!

Ow!

When you throw it, give it a little heat.

Oh!

Ohh, man! Right in the snack basket! Is that legal?

Surprisingly, yes.

I guess you're still angry about the prayer thing?

Yep. Any believers, help me out!

Oh!

Ow!

So, uh, how did you guys meet?

I was surfin', and I dropped in on her.

As is custom,

I came out of the water to a punch in the face.

I should not have popped you.

Did not set a good example

for the kids in the surf club I was teaching.

I'm gonna get the next round.

You got yourself a doppelganger.

Sorry. Is it peeking out of my shorts again?

Not a word for "penis."

You two are twins.

She even wears the same flip-flops.

Oh, those are mine.

She lost hers doing "Karate Kid" crane kicks off the pier.

Well, I think we all know what the next question is.

Is Pat Morita dead?

Or... when are you asking her out?

Ha! Riggs is my buddy. She's practically a dude.

I mean, she does have an okay set of doppelgangers.

What?

- Little bit. - Oh!