The Brittas Empire

dung in car park.

Re. pile of dung, who's is it? End of note.

Someone's been fly-tipping again, Carole.

It's not Carole, it's Linda.

Does the word 'dung' mean anything to you, Linda?

Yes, it's the sound bells make, Mr Brittas, dung!

Yes, but what is a huge great pile... where is Carole?

She's on that self-assertion course. I'm helping her out.

Of course! Self-assertion, excellent!

That rather stimulating weekend in Nuneaton.

But today's Monday, why's she not here?

She rang to say she's going to be late,

and if you don't like it, tough.

Good, it's working. She's asserting herself.

Investment in people. That's what we're all about, Linda.

Oh, er, Councillor Drugget is in your office.

- Yes, I know. - How?

He's trod in manure and left a trail of footprints.

Get it cleared up, please.

Actually, I think you did that.

Well you'd better follow me with a damp cloth, hadn't you, Linda?

I've made you a cup of coffee.

- Thank you, Julie. - I wouldn't drink it, though.

- Stop kicking! - You're pregnant, aren't you?

Oh, spotted that did you, councillor?

Take any prize off the top shelf!

You'll be wanting maternity leave?

Get back in the knife drawer. You're too sharp for life!

Alright, Linda, don't over do it. Go away!

Morning, councillor! Come to sign on for the bungee jump?

No, I haven't.

We've been getting complaints about these leaflets

you keep putting through people's doors.

Crisp and very much to the point,

''Bungee Jumpers Do It On The Way Down!''

Witty, Jack.

Vulgar, Gordon.

The council is not happy with Macho Max as sponsors.

Councillor, Macho Max is the nation's foremost suppliers

of rugged equipment for the outdoor male.

Foul weather gear, survival clothing, proactive trousers...

Half the users of this Leisure Centre are women!

What's Macho Max got to do with them?

Been thought of, councillor. Macho Maggy!

Survival clothing in pastel shades.

Little zip at the front, out pops an apron!

An apron!

Our women councillors will go beserk when they hear that!

Do you realise how politically incorrect that is?

Councillor, Macho Max offered the best deal.

They provide the bungee back-up, transport, insurance...

Alright, it has to go ahead but no more publicity.

INTERCOM BUZZES Yes, Julie?

Does he want another cup of coffee?

I think we'll take that as a no.

Oh, welcome to Whitbury New Town...

Ssh, ssh! Gavin, it's me!

Oh, Mrs Brittas, you're a bit dressed up?

No, no, I'm not, ignore this.

I had a fantastic idea just as I was cleaning out the kennel!

I'm going into business! The franchise is up

for the sauna solarium and I'm putting in a bid for it!

Well, you'll need L10,000, you know?

I know, I know, that's why I'm here.

Gavin, I need someone for a desperate criminal enterprise.

Who's the most daring, the most macho member of staff?

Is it Tim? Colin? ... Or you?

I'd say Julie!

Julie? But she's nine months pregnant!

That doesn't worry her. She's doing the bungee jump tomorrow!

Ooh, well she's the girl for me then!

Oh, damn. Can you clean this up with a damp cloth or something?

Tim, time for the meeting.

No, no, I'm staying up here.

You're shivering?

- A bit... - You're dripping wet!

You're sitting in a draught.

- How long have you been here? - Two hours...

- You'll get pneumonia. - I was planning on a chill...

What are you doing? Come on, come down.

No!

We've got a meeting, come down!

- What's this for? - I'm not saying!

It's the bungee tomorrow, isn't it? You don't want to do it.

No, I don't. I've got to get myself a sick note.

If you don't want to jump, why don't you just say so?

You don't have to make yourself ill.

I don't want Gavin to find out and you mustn't tell him!

Of course I won't tell Gavin.

Gavin thinks I'm tough but the bungee jump scares me to death!

You're going to die anyway if you get pneumonia.

I don't mind dying of something I'm not scared of.

- Talk to Mr Brittas... - No, don't tell anyone...

Alright, but pull yourself together.

Be your usual self at the meeting or people will guess.

Alright...

Morning, all! Still no sign of Carole?

Oh, she rang to say she's listening to woman's hour first

then she'll come in if she feels like it.

Good! She's being assertive, it's working!

Now, Timothy. What does this whistle say to you?

Er... beep!

No, not ''beep''. Listen...

SILENCE

No, I can't hear anything.

Precisely! You blow this when you're in your snow hole.

Only the St. Bernard's can hear it!

You seek help without annoying human beings.

Another superb product from the exclusive Macho Max range!

Now, for tomorrow's bungee jump, courtesy of Macho Max,

we'll all be wearing top quality Macho Max T-shirts,

showing a well-muscled male torso.

I'm not wearing one of those!

Of course not, Linda! There's a female torso version as well.

Certainly not wearing one of those...

Alright, you can wear the aluminium survival bag.

She'll look like a baked potato!

Right, so at 1000 hours tomorrow morning,

the bungee crane will be in position. Who's gonna be first?

- Come one! Anyone? - I'll be first, Mr Brittas.

- I've done it before... - Well done! then... Gavin!

- Oh, right... - Right...

And Tim, you'll be jumping, will you?

Oh yes, absolutely. Straight in and down, mate.

Good man!

Right, to put you more fully in the picture,

Macho Max will be flying their advertising balloon

above the Centre... Carole, you're back! How was the course?

Don't bother me with your stupid questions, Brittas.

The public are waiting to come in and enjoy themselves.

Now why don't you stop all your yapping and get back to work!

DOOR SLAMS

That's what I want. A receptionist with attitude!

The new, assertive Carole.

She said you were stupid, Mr Brittas...

Yes, she did, but remember, Gavin,

''Management accepts new ideas and criticisms''. MANIAC

When you see me doing managing, think ''MANIAC''!

We do, Mr Brittas, we do.

Right, end of meeting!

Urgh! What's that horrible smell?

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr Brittas.

Colin, is that manure?

Now how did you know that?

- Is it yours? - Oh no, it's elephant's.

Where's it come from, Colin?

From the back ends of elephants, Mr Brittas.

I've got nine cubic yards of the stuff in the car park.

Colin, it's a health risk. Put it back where it came from.

The elephants won't like that, Mr Brittas.

Colin, it's being trodden into my Leisure Centre,

what have you got it here for anyway?

I'm sorry, Mr Brittas, but that is a personal matter

and I reserve to myself the right of silence.

Get rid of it, please! Right, end of meeting.

Er... AOB, Mr Brittas.

Oh yes, any other business?

Yes! There's another load arriving at dinnertime.

Julie?

Ssh! I'm playing it classical music to give it good taste.

Oh, how lovely! Bach? Mozart?

Elvis!

Yes... Julie, I want you to help me do a burglary.

Can we do Mothercare? There's this nursing bra to die for!

No, not Mothercare, here, at the Centre!

Here? what's there to nick here?

This coat.

Oh, the coat... you've got it, why do you wanna nick it?

INTERCOM BUZZES

Julie, bring me the ping-pong ball register, please.

I'm exercising me pelvic floor!

I'll come and get it myself then!

Not a word to Gordon. I'll see you in Colin's room in 5.

Ping-pong balls?

Just where do you think you're going?

Oh, just to have a little swim...

I don't think so. Just look at those shoes!

It's from outside. It's all over the car park!

Yes, well you can go right back out there with it!

Go on, out! Out!

BEN MOANS

Oh, be quiet, Ben. We'll have our quality time later.

Carole, can I book the sauna, please?

Yes, just after you've cleaned up that mess!

I'm not a cleaner, I'm an attendant!

Well maybe you'd like to attend to it with a dustpan and brush?

- No way! - Don't push it!

Oh god, I hope I can keep this up...

Oh, I wasn't expecting you.

Come in, Julie.

Oh, it's a bit pongy in here.

Is it? I'll get the Airwick out then.

Do you know, I've had this bottle

since 1977 and it's still effective.

You don't mind if I get on, do you?

No, what are you doing?

I'm going through this lot with a fine toothcomb.

Right... there's something I wanted to ask you, a favour.

For you Julie, anything.

Colin, you know I got rid of my boyfriend,