Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said?

It's a great day for america, everybody!

I'm always delighted to be in nashville.

I'm always happy to be in the south.

I feel this great affinity with people in the south,

Because i share your pain.

I know what it's like

To have everyone in the world

Think they can do your accent better than you can do.

Right?

And then they want to do your accent to you

To help you!

"You from the south? Hickity dickity dickity."

Listen, i'm gonna try something tonight.

Because we're doing the special and the cameras are here,

And because i'm in the south

And i feel a little more comfortable here,

I wanna try something i don't normally do.

Um, i'm gonna try and tell you a joke.

I know what you're thinkin'. "Oh, craig, come on.

"Not a joke!

"Not from you, craig!

"There's professional comedians

"For that kind of thing.

"Not a joke from you, craig.

"From you, we want tales of the old country, craig.

"Tell us about the time you lived in the swamp with shrek.

"Tell us about that!

What was that like, craig?"

Oh, we found a blue-Haired donkey, all right!

That's right!

No, i wanna tell you this joke.

It's important for me,

Because it's a dirty joke.

Steady.

No, it's a dirty joke,

And i can't tell it on my tv show,

'Cause it's such a dirty joke.

And there's cuss words in it too.

Oh, yeah.

I...listen, i will be cussing tonight.

And just so's you know... no, i will.

I will. Don't fuckin' "ohh" me."

I'll be cussin'.

Now, don't wave your finger at me.

You knew when you got here there'd be cussin'.

If you thought you were comin' here tonight,

And every time i cussed, a little flag was goin' up here,

And someone's going, "tootsy fruitsy," or somethin'.

"Ooh la la."

I swear it's gonna be a long fuckin' night for you

If you thought i was gonna do that.

I can't cuss on tv, and it bothers me.

No, it does. I...yeah!

It does. It does bother me.

'Cause when i was a young man,

I was in punk rock groups and everything.

And i was like, "fuck you, man!

"Fuck you! You'll never get me wearing a suit

And sittin' behind a desk!"

And now, every night...

Wearin' a suit, sittin' behind a desk.

Can't even say "fuck."

"Ah, your movie sounds great, ya fuckin' asshole."

No, i don't wanna give you the wrong impression, all right?

I wasn't just in punk rock bands, by the way.

I was also in a heavy metal band once.

One...one heavy metal band.

- Whoo! - Oh, yeah.

Ah, you know, if you'd have heard us,

You wouldn't be making that noise.

You'd be like, "aah!" And running out.

We were ter...we were the worst heavy meal band.

We were terrible. I was 15 years old

When i was in this band.

We were called stag.

We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear.

Yeah, we looked like marble smugglers.

Yeah!

We were terrible!

15-Year-Old heavy metal band.

And you know your heavy metal band's gonna suck

When you've got a clarinet player.

* get your motor runnin'

But we had to have the clarinet player,

'Cause his dad had a car,

And he was willing to drive us around,

So we had to have the fuckin' clarinet player.

But the clarinet player was an artist,

And he said, "i'll do the bass drum skin.

It'll be fuckin' awesome."

We were like, "really?" He went, "yeah.

"It'll be a picture of a stag.

"But get this, a stag with its antlers

On fire."

We were like,

"Fuck, yeah!"

- Yeah! - Yeah!

But no, see,

It didn't work out like that,

'Cause he wasn't that talented, this kid.

So it didn't look like a stag with his antlers on fire.

It looked a badger with red hair.

I was the clarinet player.

Yeah, that's right.

But no more!

Now i sit on tv and i can't say "fuck."

It bothers me, you know?

It bothers me that i can't cuss on tv.

'Cause i'm a very cussy man.

I am a very cussy man. Not an angry cusser.

I'm not one of them "fuck you" cussers, like that.

Like a, "fuck you! Fuck! Fuck!" Like that.

Like, "fuck!"

I don't have to do that. I just like doing that.

But i'm not one of them, "fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Guys,

Like that, like a dog.

That's what dogs are saying, "fuck."

They are saying it. Not in, uh,

Adorable dog language.

They're saying it in english.

"Fuck! Fuck!

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

"Fuck!

Fuck!"

Fuck. Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Dogs are saying "fuck."

Cats don't say "fuck," but they're thinking it.

They're thinkin', "fuck you."

No, i like to cuss.

I'm not an angry cusser. I'm not a "fuck you" guy.

I'm not...i'm more kind of like,

"Shut the fuck up."

Like that.

Like friendly cussin', like,

"No fuckin' way!" Shit, fuck, no!"

Like, that helps me be more adorable to people.

I know, i've heard all the arguments against cussing.

You know, "oh, craig, come on.

Cussing just shows a lack of vocabulary."

And i think, "oh, shut the fuck up!"

No, it does not.

Some of the greatest minds in history love to cuss.

Shakespeare cussed all the time.

But he did it in that fancy ren fair language,

So nobody knew he was cussing.

And like, "to be or not to be?

Fuck if i know."

I'm paraphrasing, but that's what he meant.

Uh...

What i'm saying is, i like to cuss.

It helps me be friendly to people.

It emphasizes my friendliness.

Like if you see...if you see a friend of yours, right,

And they've got new pants on, and you go,

"Oh, those are nice, new pants."

They'll go, "oh, thanks very much."

But if you go, "whoa! Great fucking pants!"

They're like, "i know! Aren't they?

"Man! I saw them in the store!

I was just like, 'fuck'!"

I understand you gotta be appropriate.

You can't walk up to the pope and say,

"Great fuckin' pants, your holiness."

You couldn't do that.

Well, that doesn't work anyway,

'Cause, well, the pope doesn't wear pants.

He wears that big dress.

He wears these... he's got a big ol' dress.

And the...and the hat.

Actually, two hats.

He's got the big hat and then the little hat

For windy days.

"Hey, what's the weather like today?"

"It's a little bit windy, pope."

"Okay, i'll wear the little hat."

I'll get to this joke in a minute,

But you see, the...

Do you know the pope... this is true.

I will get to the joke.

But you know the pope actually has special slippers

Designed for him by the italian fashion designer prada.

This is true...they make 'em just for the pope.

It's not like you can go and buy a line of them.

You can't go to the gap and go,

"Give me some pope slippers."

It's just for the pope.

And they've got, you know, special designs

And a little crest and writing on them and stuff

That says p.O. On one and p.E. On the other.

"Ah, read-A my slippers here. I'm-A the pope."

"And-A my name is-A pepo."

* i'm-A pepo, i'm-A the pope *

* i'm pepo, i'm-A the pope

All right, you're right, you're right.

You're right. That's too much.

Lay off. You can go too far, craig.

You're right.