Sheer Pandemic

I think it's time

we all recognize what this is and stop ignoring the facts.

Wherever this thing came from,

it's the end of the world as we know it.

There was before COVID-19 and there was after.

COVID-19 is simply devastating our world.

We weren't prepared.

We aren't prepared.

The CDC is expecting the death toll

to be two to five million people,

and you still have people out at the stores,

and they are still out acting like they don't care

that this virus is right on their doorstep.

Our national food system is falling apart.

The truck drivers can't get in.

We are going to have rioting in the streets soon enough.

Experts say a third of the population

on this planet will be infected,

and of that, 10% to 20% will die.

We're talking an estimate of two to three million

dead in this country by Christmas.

They played you all the same,

the virus has all of our services disrupted,

and it is just as bad all because those people-

- I would struggle to the ground

trying to grab the last gallons of milk.

It's bad, people, it's really bad.

Some of them are not even wearing masks.

I think more of them would care but they don't.

This isn't doom and gloom fake news.

Unemployment is skyrocketing.

The healthcare system is broken.

This might be the end.

The dead are piling up in the hospitals.

We're gonna run out of ventilators.

We are looking at a pandemic here

that will likely stretch to years.

Bodies in the streets,

because we do not know the severity.

If there was ever a time to panic, this is it.

Welcome, America, to the new normal.

Picture this, two young heroes down on their luck,

COVID hits them and mm, they lose everything.

They're destitute, they're unemployed.

Audiences at home, they're sitting there thinking,

"I get this, I'm feeling this, yo,

they're sympathetic."

So our two young heroes go out and do something

they would normally never do.

They become pandemic journalists,

only they're paid per click.

So they start generating ridiculous statistics and stories

and peddle fear to the masses and it works so well,

that they make a fortune and buy an island.

The problem is the world is so caked in fear,

that it goes Lord of the Flies.

But our two young guys, you know,

they're on the beach in flip flops

drinking umbrella drinks, right?

One of them starts coughing, and

oh man, he's got the 'rona!

Turns out the whole thing

was a cautionary tale the whole time!

They should have just stayed home with their families,

you know, and enjoyed the time off.

They both die.

Now, you give me four to five weeks,

micro budget, ample crew members and cast,

you know, we can turn this around for AVOD, SVOD,

whatever you need.

The unions would never go for it.

I'm sorry, Jack,

but the entire film industry is dead for now.

It's just the way it is.

For how long, Steve?

Projections say it's gonna take about six months

for this to blow through.

Do you think I should bring my dogs this time

and keep them away from people?

- Do they need a mask? - Starting production

may be 2021.

Steve, I can't wait that long, man.

The world may be closed down,

but no one told my mortgage company.

Look, do you think your call is the only one

that I'm gonna have to make like this today?

Howdy, neighbor.

Hey, Nerman.

What's up?

Just being non-essential.

Hey man, you got toilet paper issues?

What?

We're collecting it down at the mission

for the needy people,

what with the pandemic and everything.

I don't know.

Me personally, I always use baby wipes.

You're not supposed to do that, of course,

it screws up the pipes, but you know.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

Anyways, I asked Miss Carter up the street,

I asked Willie, they were both out.

Nerman, this is an office parking lot, man.

Yeah.

Your house is over there.

Yeah.

You wanna go get set up over there?

No, man, there's no sun over there.

Nerman, there's no sun here.

There will be.

Hey, you like my new cooler?

Got it with my stimulus check.

Also got a new gecko.

Named him Mr. Gecko.

You're not essential.

Ouch.

The governor's office says you've gotta close down.

Your business is basically a giant Petri dish.

In order to hashtag flatten the curve,

businesses like yours, cess pools,

are going to have to close

until we can get this pandemic under control.

Nobody is more of a germaphobe than I am.

I was wearing PPEs before all of this even happened.

I've created a chart on how to stay away from the virus

and get the body that you've always wanted.

Step one, we're gonna wear trash bags!

We can throw them away afterwards,

and they're good for water weight.

Step two-

I'm sorry.

You have to close.

It's for your safety.

But shouldn't I get a chance to decide what's safe for me?

Oh please.

You have to think about others.

It's not about you, you know.

Only essentials are staying open.

But I am essential.

When people don't work out, the muscle turns into fat.

And when people get fat, they get diabetes,

and when they get diabetes,

they flood the hospital systems.

Think about it.

Fitness instructors, we're really in the line of fire here.

I'm sorry, hashtag stay at home.

We can beat this.

But we all have to do our part.

We're all in this together.

Are we?

Hey.

How'd you go?

Well, closed me down, for my own safety.

Oh, I'm sorry Dad.

Well, at least I won't get the virus.

We can bring back Funday Monday.

And, I've got something for us.

Really?

What?

Marbles!

They came in the mail today.

Marbles?

Like the little kids' toy?

Yeah, like a marble race.

I saw it on YouTube, it's awesome.

So you just watch the marbles.

Like, a marble race, you watch 'em go down the hill.

Dad, I can't.

I'm doing a watch party tonight with my friends.

But, but you're not supposed to go anywhere.

Everything is shut down.

It's online, we're doing it through a group meeting.

That sounds like the worst.

It's being alone together.

It's part of the fun.

We can do your marble thing another day.

Marble race.

Right.

All right, well,

see you when I get home.

Oh no!

Netflix isn't working.

I know.

My students are gonna be logging in in 10 minutes.

Okay.

Did you find my...

We're not gonna survive being locked up

in here with these animals.

I found these.

Also, I told Uncle Bernie

that you'd bring him some groceries.

Why?

'Cause he's in the vulnerable age group.

I did make you some hand sanitizer to take with you.

It's wonderful.

So, Netflix.

I canceled it.

I'm canceling anything, everything.

We're being hashtag poor together.