3rd Rock from the Sun

Good morning, everybody!

Good morning.

Well, what's wrong, Tommy?

All these different colleges want me.

I don't know where to go.

There's Harvard, Yale, mit, Cambridge.

Hey, you should go to that place.

Everybody's gorgeous, and it's right by the beach.

It's the j. Crew catalogue.

There's the school for me.

Well, Tommy, you could go out and play the field,

but, uh, why not marry the girl next-door?

Pendleton.

You think that Pendleton's better than Princeton?

Tommy, when all's said and done,

on Friday, Princeton serves fish sticks,

and on Friday, Pendleton serves fish sticks.

Whoa!

Look! It says here that Princeton has eight

Nobel prize winners on its faculty!

Huh. How many does Pendleton have?

Let me tell you something about Nobel prize winners, Tommy.

They eat fish sticks, and we eat fish sticks.

I guess there's not that big a difference.

Well, I can think of one thing.

Me.

I hadn't thought of that.

You and I strolling arm in arm through the quad,

swapping sandwiches at lunchtime.

Oh, and you're always guaranteed a date

for the homecoming dance.

The other kids will be so jealous.

Yeah. Come on to work.

I'll give you my own personal tour of the campus.

Can we hold hands?

Sure.

Hi, hi, hi!

Oh, hi.

Here's the paper.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, you guys, look!

"Rutherford's ten most powerful men!"

What number are you, Don?

Um... Number not-on-it.

What, have they just never heard of you?

How could that be?

Sally, I'm just a cop.

But I once stopped number eight for speeding, though.

He let me off with a warning.

How did these bozos get to be so powerful?

You know what they say:

Under every great man is a great woman.

Don't you mean "behind every man"?

Oh, you're dirty.

Behind every great man is a great woman?

And you're mine, sweetie.

But, Don, what have I ever done for you?

I wear antiperspirant now.

Yeah, well, that's true, but it's not enough.

Don, I've let you down.

I haven't thrust greatness upon you!

Sally, you aren't ashamed of me, are ya?

Oh, sweetie, no.

I love you just the way you are.

And to prove it... I'm gonna tear you down to the studs

and rebuild you into the powerhouse

you've never dreamed of being.

Okay.

Oh, Tommy, we are so thrilled

to have a student like you consider Pendleton.

We're gonna start by showing you some slides

of Pendleton's magnificent physical plant.

Nina, plug in the projector.

No.

It'll blow out the toaster oven in the faculty kitchen.

Nina!

We are trying to recruit a student here.

And I've got potato skins working.

Then can you hold the slide up to the light?

Dick, get my flashlight.

Uh, now, this is Pendleton's stately library,

housing over 2.3 thousand volumes.

You mean "million"?

No.

Next slide, please.

Uh, you know, I'm gettin' a little bit of an eye strain here.

You're losin' him.

You think I could just sit in on a class or something?

Well, of course you can.

I'll tell you what.

Tomorrow, you could try to sit in on one of my classes,

but I predict you'll be on your feet, cheering.

Sally, what's going on here?

Oh! I am throwing you a power brunch.

That's nice. What's the occasion?

Well, I'm gonna turn you into a success

instead of a failure.

I am not... Hey, this jacket's got my name on it!

I invited everyone from the "top ten list,"

along with some other very important rutherfordites.

This is Mrs. Dubcek.

She owns quite a bit of property in the rutherford area.

I know her. She's your landlady.

Excellent.

You keep networking.

Sally, I... I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but I'm not in the same league as these big guys.

Don, that may have been true of you before,

but you've got Sally on the case now.

Just think of me as the wind beneath your ass.

Oh, my god.

You guys, it's number six, Gus demarmel,

president and ceo of demarmel lunch meat.

Ooh! That's good meat.

Gus demarmel!

Whoo-hoo!

How are peg and the kids?

My wife's name is Janet.

Little peg junior know about that?

Uh, hello, Terry?

Terry, when you scheduled me for this brunch,

did you bother to find out who was throwing it?

You're fired.

Hi, Mr. Demarmel.

Um, rumor has it you're looking for a new assistant.

Meet Don Orville:

Organized, energetic, a real self-starter.

You have any experience?

No.

Well, uh, you know, he'll be putty in your hands.

He'll work for free.

Good. I like that.

Now, be in my office 8 A.M. sharp.

Oh, thanks! He'll be there!

Hey, congrats, Don!

Let's get you some air.

Next, we measure the decay with difference delta gamma

for the mass eigenstates, assuming op invariance.

The op eigenstates and the mass eigenstates are... What?

Leon?

Dr. Solomon, are you allowed to dispense ibuprofen?

Wrong. Pitman?

Aspirin?

Bug?

Here!

Chimps!

Cp eigenstates implies that they are... the same.

Dr. Solomon, there is no possible way

we could have known that.

Oh, really?

And yet, my son knew that. Didn't you, Tommy?

Well, I thought I knew that until you started explaining it.

I can see them not getting it.

Oh, yeah. I know.

As usual, I'm handing out sandwiches in the cemetery.

Class is dismissed.

So, slugger, how much did you love my class?

Your class... Well, honestly, dick, it was...

It was kinda hard to keep from laughing.

Yeah, I know!

They are so stupid.

They're not the sharpest pencils in the box.

They're not sharp at all.

And you, you're incomprehensible!

Not a word understood!

I mean, I figured you were a bad teacher,

but not hindenburg bad.

Hindenburg bad!

What?

Ow!

Demarmel meats.

I'll connect you.

Wow, sweet setup, Don.

Ooh, post-its?

Help yourself.

Don, you look magnificent!

But I gotta tell ya, that phone call,

you didn't say your name.

So, the next time you answer the phone...

Demarmel meats, this is Don Orville?

This is Don Orville at demarmel meats.

That's my boy.

Hey, Don. Here, check it out.

Whoo!

Now you can take a nap, and no one's the wiser.

Tommy! Tommy!

If I were a bad teacher, don't you think there would be

some slight evidence suggesting that?

Your students have been in the same class for years?

Well, so? You've been in high school for years.

Yeah, but each year I advanced to the next grade.

That was high school. This is Pendleton.

Pendleton serves fish sticks.

My high school served fish... sticks.

I told you about the fish sticks in confidence.

That's it!

I think you'd be a bad influence on my students.

You are forbidden to go to Pendleton!

How does that feel? Does it burn?

Actually, that's fine.