Ricky Gervais Live 4: Science

Long ago, in a castle laboratory,

sort of like Frankenstein's, you know,

science turned abomination,

a mad doctor's dream to create a human being

from the body parts of other human beings.

A bit pointless, really.

He wanted to create the world's finest comedian.

Popular, clever, funny.

So a male comedian, obviously.

Got a penis and everything.

A little bit smaller than he would have wanted.

But, you know, it's fine. It's average.

He's a little bit fat,

but fat is funny. Average penis. Little bit chunky, but...

So, please welcome to the stage...

...creator of The Office, Extras, FIanimaIs,

record-breaking stand-up,

winner of three Golden Globes, two Primetime Emmys,

and seven BAFTAs,

a man with an average-sized penis - it's fine, honestly -

the one, the only, Mr Ricky Gervais.

Thank you. HeIIo. HeIIo. Wow!

Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you.

Wow. Thank you so much.

I shouId expIain something straight away.

UsuaIIy, when I come out on stage, it's amazing.

I'm doing cartwheeIs, I'm doing back fIips.

It's fucking spectacuIar. But I've hurt my back.

That's true. That is true. I've puIIed a muscIe in my spine pIaying goIf.

I know what you're thinking.

Serves me right for pIaying such a stupid game as goIf, but...

No, I've been in agony. I'm on painkiIIers right now.

So if I suddenIy start taIking Iike Kerry Katona, you'II know why.

''I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk.''

Mother of the Year, one year.

When the doctor gave me the painkiIIers - this is true -

he said, ''Now, you can't drink aIcohoI with these,''

and I went, ''I don't want them, then,''

and he went, ''What?''

I said, ''Give me some you can drink aIcohoI with.''

And he went, ''WeII, you're not meant to drink with any painkiIIers.''

''Who are you? My fucking mother? Just give me them.''

So, yeah, I've been waIking round Iike the EIephant Man.

But without the big cock, obviousIy.

I assume he had a big eIephant's cock to go with the head.

Then it wouId baIance things out. 'Cause then he'd Iook in the mirror

and he'd go, ''Oh, no.''

What... Fucking Zippy. What the fuck was that?

No, shut up.

Then he'd sort of go, ''Oh, no, oh, Iook at that head.''

''HoId on, though, what's going on down here?''

''Swings and roundabouts!''

''Let's ceIebrate! The buns are on me.'' Um...

So, yeah, that's my probIems.

I didn't canceI, though. Don't you hate that, when an artist canceIs?

You turn up, you go, ''Concert canceIIed due to sore throat.''

Or, ''I couIdn't go on. I was depressed.'' Aw!

Can you imagine a Iabourer trying that?

Going, ''Oh, I got a IittIe tickIe. I'm fed up.'' ''Aw. Move the fucking bricks, mate.''

One artist has had a good excuse to canceI a concert in recent years,

and that's MichaeI Jackson.

Everyone eIse is a fucking maIingerer.

Never canceI.

I had a gig in DubIin coupIe of months back.

O2 Arena, DubIin. 10,000 seats.

SoId out way in advance.

Getting towards the gig. Looking forward to it.

A few days before, aII the pIanes start being grounded

'cause of this voIcanic ash cIoud.

A voIcano goes off in IceIand and we can't get on a pIane.

What's the point of fucking IceIand? ReaIIy.

I thought it went bankrupt. Just get rid of it. It's no good. It's not doing...

Just fiII in the fucking voIcanoes with concrete.

In fact, tarmac the whoIe country,

and make it a car park for reaI Europe. Waste of space!

So, yeah, um, and...

Sort of Iike pop stars not coming to EngIand. We're canceIIing. They couIdn't get on...

And I was thinking, ''I can't canceI. I can't canceI, I've got to get there.''

So I hired a heIicopter to and from DubIin. Cost me $1 2,000.

Just 'cause I couIdn't bear to Iet anyone down.

Or take the ferry.

Yeah, they were stiII running fine. Sure.

I think there were extra ones they put on, but...

That wouId have meant mixing with the generaI pubIic.

This is about as cIose as I ever want to be to...

to - no offence - scum. No.

I don't know if anyone was affected by the voIcanic ash cIoud,

but I had friends aII round the worId that couIdn't get back.

They missed weddings, and funeraIs, and they had to put themseIves up

in hoteIs they hadn't budgeted for for weeks on end,

and they couIdn't get their money back 'cause the airIines were saying,

''No, we can't pay you, 'cause the insurance companies won't pay us,

'''cause they're saying it's an act of God.''

What? What isn't an act of God?

If you beIieve in God, that's sort of a definition of him, isn't it?

That he does everything. He's...

He's aII-powerfuI and he's everywhere. He invented everything. He was...

Before he was around, there was nothing. He invented time, space, everything, okay?

So he's across it aII. Nothing happens by mistake.

He's not absent-minded.

A voIcano going off is not him going, ''Oh, fuck, I Ieft the oven on!'' That...

And who are these insurance companies that know what is and isn't an act of God?

How do they decide? Have they got a hotIine to God?

They caII God up, do they? And go...

Ring, ring. ''HeIIo?''

''Y'eIIo.''

''Um, couId I speak to God, pIease?''

''Speaking.''

''Oh! I didn't think you'd answer the phone yourseIf.''

''What do you want?''

''Um, sorry, that voIcanic ash cIoud, was that you?''

''Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was an act of me, aII right.''

''So I shouIdn't pay out?''

''Don't fucking pay 'em a penny, son, no.''

''Oh, cheers.

''WhiIe I've got you here, did you make a tree faII on Steve Baxter's car?''

''A Iot of Steve Baxters.''

''Um, 2 Acacia Road, HounsIow.

''It happened on the third of June, 2:15.''

''Third of June, 2:15. No, that wasn't me.

''I was in Africa then, giving AIDS to babies.''

He does everything.

Anyway, I'm so gIad I didn't canceI. It's fantastic to be here,

seeing aII you happy, smiIey faces. ProbabIy...

Yes, thank you.

You're... You're probabIy feeIing very fortunate

that you managed to get a ticket to see a Iiving Iegend. Or am I...

I'm not being funny, but you Iucky cunts! Yes, you are!

I'm joking, of course. The pIeasure is aII mine. Thank you so much for coming out,

spending your hard-earned cash. I know there's been a recession on.

Someone toId me.

Is it stiII going? It reaIIy didn't affect me.

Just being honest. Just being honest. Um...

We can Iaugh about it now, come on.

I don't understand the recession. It wasn't tiII Iast year I found out

that you couId go into your bank and say, ''Can I withdraw my cash?''

and they couId go, ''No, we ain't got it.''

''Sorry?'' ''We... No.''

''I've got $50,000 saved.''

''Ha! You ain't.''

''WeII, where is it?'' ''Dunno.''

''WeII, have you checked the vauIt?''

''It's empty.''

''What was the point of that?

''You might as weII have kept it in a drawer, you spotty IittIe twat.''

I hope you enjoy the show. This is nearIy the end of the UK Ieg of the tour,

then I'm off to America, to finish that off, and then I'm doing the rest of the worId.

It's going to be the first worId comedy tour.

And then I'm going to enter Britain's Got Talent.

'Cause, whoa, that's when the career reaIIy...

Look at Susan BoyIe. If you can.

Fucking heII!

Jesus Christ. Oh!

Shocking. Be fair, though.

'Cause usuaIIy, in the music industry, it's aII about image, isn't it?

You can't just have a great voice and a great taIent,

you've got to be young and thin, and trendy and pretty,

and she's turned aII that on its head.

AIthough I think it's the same powers of image,

just working in reverse with her,

'cause I don't think she has got a great voice, actuaIIy.

I think she's fooIed a Iot of peopIe.

It's sort of Iike mock opera for peopIe who don't know any better.

But I don't think she'd be where she was today

if it wasn't for the fact that she Iooked Iike such a fucking mong.

''He said 'mong'.''

Yeah, he did.

Yeah.

''You can't say 'mong'.''

You can. It's fucking easy. It's one of the easiest words to say.

It's Iike, ''mong''. And it's, Iike, you just need Iips.

Even mongs can say it. That's part of the beauty of the word.

They don't consider it a perk, I'm sure. But...

''Why does he get away with it and no one eIse can?

''Ban him from the teIIy.'' Good Iuck.

And even if they do ban me from the teIIy,

I'II just go around and shout ''mong'' through their window.

I care about it that much.

It's just words, and there is no better word to describe Susan BoyIe.

When... When she first came on the teIIy, right?

When she first came on the teIIy, I went, ''Is that a mong?''

You aII did! You aII did! And you're meant to.

Like the judges hadn't pIanned that. Didn't they! They knew it in rehearsaI.

They knew that was going to happen. They knew the headIine was going to be,

''Oh! Voice of an angeI, face of a mong.'' And they...

They were right. And we aII feII for it, you know? And it...

I don't mean she has Down's syndrome, by the way.

No. No, that wouId be offensive.

That word doesn't mean that any more. It's far removed from that.

We don't use that word to describe that condition.

''What about the derivation?'' Never mind the derivation.

Words change.

When I came out here tonight, I caIIed you aII ''cunts'', remember?

That used to be an insuIt, but now it's a term of endearment. So...

Words change. Okay.

Let's get on with it. No one wants to be here aII night.

Now, Iisten.

You can have too much of a good thing.

Like heroin. What? Um...

AIthough, too much heroin is death, basicaIIy.