Solar Opposites

‐ This place is amazing.

How do they keep incrementally improving products year after year?

‐ Oh. The Apple Pencil Pro is far superior

to last year's disgusting, obsolete Apple Pencil.

The new one can write in cursive.

‐ I literally saw Emily Dickinson writing poetry with it

in the Apple TV+ show Dickinson on my Apple TV!

‐ Oh, they have a U2 branded Wi‐Fi router?

‐ Wow! It's red!

For every four bars of signal you get,

Bono sends a pair of shoes to a sea turtle.

‐ Hey there, you looking for a repair‐‐

‐ Fetch me an Apple Pencil Pro, Apple servant.

‐ You got it. You want a charging necklace too?

The pencil runs out of batteries very fa‐‐

Get away from me! Wee!

Help! ‐ Oh my god, Pete, you okay?

‐ These are the psycho aliens that tortured me in their dungeon!

‐ That's impossible. We turned our dungeon into a Florida room.

‐ Yeah, we've never even met this fuckin' freak show!

Hello, sir, I'm‐‐ ‐ Don't touch me!

Siri, call the cops!

Playing Destiny's Child.

‐ That's them!

‐ He doesn't have a hole.

‐ We'll just have to make one.

‐ Hey, how's it going?

‐ The Solar Opposites are going to jail!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is, this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Do they like Brendan Fraser or not?

He's a good guy. Give him a chance.

‐ Chris Cicowski, 35.

Mandy Sinclair, 28.

Jeffrey Dean Dorgan, 33.

Agnes Peterbort, 75 years old.

Tomorrow would have been her birthday.

‐ Cool list, bro. I take my coffee with a splash of mouse milk.

‐ Then maybe you don't understand what's happening here.

You're done.

I know you killed all those people,

I was an executive story editor on Bones seasons five through nine

and let me tell you, friend, that's a season wrap on Ethan!

‐ Aw. You never even got a bump to co‐producer? Pathetic.

I bet they just stuck you in the Bones joke room.

‐ We didn't have a joke room, it was an innuendo room.

And I was only there for the back nine.

If you ever want to see the halogen reptile lamp

that Yumyulack uses to simulate the light of day again,

you better start cooperating.

‐ Buddy, you got it all wrong.

I'm going to be walking out of here, and you're not.

‐ You think Tim and the Walldermen are just gonna let you go?

‐ Oh yeah, babe. Without me, Tim is nothing.

Nada, zero, zilch.

‐ Oh wow, I didn't realize I was talking to someone so important.

‐ You think Jesse gives us CLIF bars, chewable Tylenol, and Dasani water?

Come on.

All that protein and medicine that you're used to?

This guy.

‐ So I'm supposed to believe you're killing people during the week,

then turning big and running errands on the weekends?

‐ Oh my god, you're so stupid.

Listen, there is a hole in the top of the Wall.

It's been there since before the war.

The Duke would use it to bring in extra supplies

to keep control of the population.

‐ A top‐secret hole that we could use to escape, huh?

You have quite the imagination, murderer.

‐ Broheim had an Amazon Fresh subscription.

They'd throw the deliveries on the roof, then I'd just climb out and I'd get ‘em.

Now I do the same thing for my close personal friend, Tim.

‐ I'm sick of this bullshit!

There's no hole in the Wall, and I won't let you drag Tim's good name.

‐ In the beforefore time, I was a rock climbing instructor

at Bally's Total Fitness.

Outside the Wall, the only thing I used to murder

was indoor climbing walls.

‐ And I care why?

‐ Once I got in here, I had so much temptation,

you know, so many potential victims, and no rock climbing to distract me.

At first, I was going to kill myself. That way, I wouldn't murder anyone.

But then you saved me.

‐ What? ‐ Oh, you don't remember, do you?

I am the one who started the flooding of the Nerds.

My plan was to die in that Nerd pile and finally escape my impulses.

But then you saved me.

‐ Oh my god. ‐ That's when I knew I was special.

You saved me so I could fulfill my destiny.

I'm a god!

‐ Shut up! ‐ I'm a god!

Let's go. Let's get in here.

Let's do this. ‐ Welp, that's my ride.

‐ Okay, let's say there is some big conspiracy

to help you kill innocent people.

But now you've told me the whole plan, Mr. Total Fitness.

So what happens next?

‐ I don't know, they'll probably just come in here and kill you

and then blame it on a cricket.

‐ What? How the hell do you know about the cricket?

‐ These guys aren't exactly creative geniuses.

They always just blame it on a cricket.

‐ Has anyone mistreated you since you got here?

‐ I'm not saying anything until our lawyer gets here.

‐ Oh my god, I'm your lawyer.

How many times do we have to go over this?

‐ Objection, overruled, I rest my case.

‐ This isn't even the trial‐‐ forget it.

Let me walk you through the accusations,

and I gotta say, they seem very specific.

According to Peter, the, uh, Okja‐type character,

this all started off when Korvo got annoyed

at an annual Rib Fest‐style block party

on the street outside your house...

‐ Pupa, put those delicious ribs down!

Goddammit, I hate this stupid Rib Fest.

There's nowhere to park, they play rib jams all day,

and some guy who's not me always wins the "Best Ribs" competition!

Why can't Korvo be a winner for once?

‐ You know, Korvo, you could take some barbecue classes

at The Learning Annex or watch some YouTube videos,

chefnap Paula Deen‐‐

‐ Kidnapping people takes too long, I'll just use sci‐fi shit!

The prosecution claims Korvo created a giant pig thing

that self‐cooked racks of award‐winning ribs

out of its chest,

whose blood tasted like delicious barbecue sauce,

and when struck "shat out all the fixins."

Dammit, that does sound like something I would do.

Right down to the "fixin'" shits.

‐ Where am I? Wh‐what am I?

Are you my dad? Wee! Help!

Ohh!

Whoa‐oh! Oh! ‐ Mm, that's good rib.

Could use a little barbecue sauce though.

‐ Oh no!

Korvo won five straight Rib Fest gold medals,

dethroning Lizzo's cousin, Ribbo, as the Rib Fest champion.

‐ Please let me go.

‐ Hold still, I need a potluck worth of your shit for a church event tonight.

‐ Korvo, wait! I need Peter to help me with my math homework.

He's not going to be able to focus if he's screaming.

What's the X in this equation? Tell me!

‐ Hi, guys! Are we having a‐‐

Oh my god, what's that?

‐ Please, little girl! These guys are crazy. You gotta help me!

‐ Don't worry, little guy. Jesse's here.

You have to let him go!

You can't just keep a creature trapped in your basement and torture it.

‐ You clearly don't understand how important it is to win rib contests.

‐ Ohhh! Oh!

‐ Oh god!

‐ Guys! Come watch me do donuts on the front lawn!

I finally figured out how to do it. Turns out it's a circle!

‐ Awesome! ‐ Alright.

Fuck you, lawn! Woo!

Yeah‐hey! Woo!

Peter escaped while you were distracted by the donuts.

He spent a few nights in the woods, then he moved on with his life,

got his MFA in interpretive dance,

couldn't find work, duh, so he got a job at the Apple Store

with all the other people who have MFAs.

‐ Okay, look: full disclosure, that story really did sound

like something we would do, r‐right?

‐ Yeah, I mean, it feels like something we'd pitch to Hulu

and they'd say, "We don't understand it but go for it."

‐ But I don't remember any of it.

I never went to a Rib Fest or met this delicious rib‐looking Peter guy.

‐ Yeah, just because the story "sounded like us"

doesn't mean we did it.

‐ Yeah, we're good people.

Remember that time we turned that homeless guy's blood

into Vitamin Water?

O‐o‐or when we killed millions of bees

so people wouldn't get stung?

‐ Yeah, we invented vaping, that has to count for something!

‐ You're both right. We're great.

This was one hundred percent not us!

‐ Well, Peter is a convincing witness.

Plus he's a big alien thing and you're aliens,

so it's not hard to think that you did this.

‐ What does that mean for us?

‐ It means you're fucked.

‐ This is your last chance to let me go, buddy.

Here they‐‐ they're coming, do you feel 'em?

Do you feel 'em? They're coming. It's all over for you. Get ready.