LA to Vegas

What are we looking at?

Unattended bag. We're debating how long it has to be there

before it's considered suspicious.

The only thing suspicious about that bag

is why someone would buy it.

It's not dangerous. It's probably just some girl's.

Some tacky girl's. She's better off without it.

I don't know. It's not that bad.

You know whose it is? I bet it's Nichole's.

She doesn't need a bag that size.

She goes to Vegas just to strip.

All her clothes fit in her wallet.

Oh, it could be Artem's, though.

He could've won it off another gambler.

No, he stopped accepting luggage as payment

ever since that duffle bag gave him bedbugs.

I think it's beds that get Artem bugs.

Well, it's got to be somebody. Probably that Brit.

What's his name, your make out buddy from the bathroom?

- Colin. - I bet it's him.

- British men are basically American women. - No.

That bag is way too expensive on a professor's salary.

This is dumb. We can't stand here all day staring at a bag.

I'm going to call security.

They'll take it away or explode it or whatever.

Ronnie, don't.

- It's my bag. - What?

I've been looking for it for 20 minutes, and I come back here

and you guys are talking about how it's ugly and a girl's bag.

- It's both. - Sorry.

I was waiting for you to leave to pick it up,

but you know what? I am not ashamed.

I am a modern man. I do not subscribe to labels.

I can own whatever bag I want.

I am Captain Dave, and I am proud to own a pink tote.

Hot saleslady sold it to you, didn't she?

Ugh, she was so hot, Bernie. I was trying to impress her.

I haggled her up.

- It was Captain Dave's bag? - Mm-hmm.

Ronnie is winner!

Drinks are on me tonight!

All right!

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

Don't you worry. She's here.

- Who? - Ronnie.

That's the one you're desperately looking for, yes?

Nope. I was just sitting here

studying up for my weekend fatherhood duties.

It's like a 48-hour test every week,

and I won't know how I did for 20 years.

Don't lie to me. I'm a professional gambler.

I read people.

I'm just trying to read my book.

A book. Hey.

You know what book I like?

That one about the girl who's gone

and Ben Affleck had to look for her.

Did you ever watch that book?

"No" feels like the quickest way to end this conversation.

Hi, Ronnie.

See? Desperately, your head was like...

What just fell out of your hair? Are those muffin crumbs?

"No" feels like the quickest way to end this conversation.

Oh, God, I would love for today to just be easy.

I'd settle for one flight without any fighting, vomiting,

or fake emotional support animals.

Hey, Darryl isn't just some duck in a vest.

He's helped a lot of people.

No, I know. He has. I'm sorry.

I'm just, I'm in a weird mood. I had a date last night.

And it didn't go well?

I wouldn't know. I didn't actually show up.

I bailed ten minutes before,

then hid my phone in a box of Kashi GOLEAN

in case he texted back.

Really? Kashi GO--

OK, it was an empty box of wine.

Can we just focus on my almost dating, please?

I'm sure you had a good reason for not going.

Yes. And that reason is I'm a terrible person.

Hello, friends and colleagues.

Guess who has two thumbs, nine toes,

and just nailed an interview with Aviator Magazine.

That's right, this guy.

Favourite part of flying? Easy, the rush.

If I had one wish? More wishes.

Personal hero? Latinos. They've been through so mucho.

Yup. It appears old Captain Dave Pratman here

has been named one of Aviator Magazine's

top ten pilots to watch. So keep your eyes open, kids.

But don't stare for too long,

because this superstar burns bright.

Well, it sounds like a straight white guy's doing great.

So at least there's some justice in the world.

This seat's open.

Oh, these?

They're just coupons for the club I dance at, Grapefruits.

Free fruit salad with every lap dance.

Oh.

I didn't realise you were sick.

That's fine. You can still come to the club. Just ask for Danielle.

She can take it. She beat super gonorrhoea.

Is there a coupon to make you stop talking?

Ah, long time no see.

Hey. Hi.

Ah, before I forget, I have something for you.

It's the key lime pie from Foundry.

Well, since you never showed up to try it,

I thought you might like a piece.

You are the spurned rendezvous.

Oh, that's good. People know.

I was worried it wouldn't be embarrassing enough.

- There's nothing in here. - Yeah, that's right.

The key lime pie actually texted at the last minute

to say it couldn't make it. - I'm sorry.

I know that I should've texted you earlier--

It wasn't just the timing, it was the content.

All you said was, "I just can't."

That's not an explanation. That's a clue on Dateline.

"Her last text was, 'I just can't.'

Then they found her hand buried in a dumpster in Jacksonville."

Isn't all of Jacksonville a dumpster?

No? Bad time?

I just don't understand, Ronnie. We spoke every day.

There was flirting and chemistry and suggestive emojis.

That wasn't suggestive. I really was washing an eggplant.

At least finish the text for me. You just can't what?

You can't find parking? You can't pick an outfit?

- You just can't what? - I just can't this.

You want to know why I cancelled, Colin?

Because you freaked me out, OK?

You freaked me out.

Excuse me.

- Pie? What kind? - Symbolic key lime.

Oh, I like coconut cream.

- That's nice for you. - No, it's not.

I'm allergic to coconut.

Ah, Shalom, guys.

- One large beer, please. - How old are you?

13, but I'm a man tomorrow, so.

- Well, give me a ding in eight years. - I can't.

Men and women can't be alone together unless they're married.

Wow. That actually sounds really good to me right now.

Maybe I should convert.

Well, we're always looking for girls like you.

This is your captain.

And one of Aviator Magazine's top ten pilots to watch.

Here to give you a little reminder.

Just because you pay for sex,

doesn't mean you have to pay a lot.

So do what I do.

Go to Madame Kitty's Ranch off the 6,

because you deserve to get a hando

without paying an arm and a leg.

Ten pilots to watch.

Can you believe it?

Lot of big names have been on that list:

Sully, Travolta, Chewbacca.

The Wookiee?

No, the hairy Austrian that flies for Delta.

And you know who's never been on that list?

Stupid Captain Steve.

- Isn't he married to a model? - Catalogue model.

And this isn't about him. This is about me.

I tell you, Alan, this article is the thing

that's finally going to make my career take off.

- Are you OK? - Yeah.

That was nothing.

I think it was your fault.

- I'm not touching anything. - Well, maybe you should've been!

Because everyone believes that Ben Affleck killed her,

so he has to go to Madea for help.

Turns out the girl is not gone.

No, she is at Doogie Howser's house.

I thought she was at Barney

from How I Met Your Mother's house.

You read it, too? What about you my friend?

Hello, friend, are you OK?

Hello?

Oh, no.

Yeah. No.

I think he's Gone Girl.

Ronnie!

- Are we sure he's dead? - I don't know.

Bernard took the emergency manual; he's checking.

Yep, he's super dead.

I never had anyone die on my watch before.

We should cover him with something.

We could cover him with my Hogwarts cloak.

Damn it, Alan, no one cares about Star Trek.

Even if we wanted to use Alan's gross cloak, we can't.

Airline protocol says we can't officially acknowledge death

on the plane. We have to wait until we land.

Then he's pronounced dead on the tarmac.

- That's how I want to go. - It's probably best not to draw

any more attention to him anyway.

We don't want any of the other passengers

to start freaking out.

Like that chick?