Are You Being Served?

Can I help you, sir?

- Oh yes, would you show me some sports jackets, please?

- I won’t personally, sir but I'll summon our

senior assistant to attend to your wishes.

Mr Grainger, are you free?

Yes, I’m free.

- That is a guard’s tie you’re wearing sir, isn’t it?

- No, it’s the Tesco Table Tennis Club, actually.

Table tennis?

Yes, the stripe is a little narrower.

Yes, Captain Peacock?

- Something in the sports jacket line for this customer,

with plenty of room under the arms.

- Yes, I would think a 44, wouldn’t you, Mr Humphries?

- Certainly, Mr Grainger a 44, don’t you think so, Mr Lucas?

- I hope so, we haven’t got anything bigger.

- I wouldn’t recommend a check, sir, it is apt to make the

figure a little more portly, don’t you agree, Mr Humphries?

We’ve only got checks in 44.

Well, of course sir you have got the

height to carry it off.

44 check, Mr Lucas.

Black 44 check coming up, Mr Humphries.

- This range is in pushcon, isn’t it, Mr Humphries?

- Right first time, MrGrainger, 35% wool, 35% pushcon.

That only makes 70%.

- Yes, well, there’s a lot of air between the fibers.

It allows the fabric to breathe, isn’t that right, Mr Lucas?

Quite right, Mr Humphries.

If you listen quietly, you can hear it you know.

Thank you, Mr Lucas.

- We’ve got a whole cupboardful over there,

panting for breath.

The mirror, Mr Lucas.

One mirror, coming up, Mr Grainger.

What do you think, Mr Humphries?

it’s nice and snug in the front.

Yes, very snug, indeed.

Why don’t you have a look at the back?

Yes I’m sure the back is snug as well.

Yes, it does feel a little tight.

Try breathing in and out a little, sir.

That’s better, isn’t it?

Yes, that feels much better.

Is it hard-wearing?

Oh, very hard-wearing, sir.

They discovered pushcon while

they were developing the Concorde.

- If you’re thinking of going through the sound

barrier you couldn’t have chosen better.

How much is it?

It’s £30, including VAT.

That does seem rather a lot.

When you consider it cost 500 million

to develop, I think it’s quite reasonable, sir.

Still seems an awful lot of money.

- Actually, sir, it has been reduced from £42.

Oh, is that so?

You’re saving £12 sir.

I’ll think about it.

I’ll take it.

Sale, Mr Humphries.

Book, Mr Lucas.

Well done, Mr Grainger.

Miss Brahms!

The bridal veil with the blue orange blossoms.

Yes, Mrs Slocombe.

- And where is madam going for her honeymoon?

- We’re torn between Eastbourne and Brighton.

- It is difficult to make up one’s mind, isn’t it?

It is.

Why not compromise and try Beachy Head?

There, how’s that?

It’s a bit thick, isn’t it?

Well it looks lovely from our side.

I can’t see.

You’ll have someone holding your arm.

He won’t recognize me.

He’ll know your voice, won’t he?

- Think of the surprise he’s gonna get when he lifts it up.

That’ll do, Miss Brahms.

The orange blossom is detachable, should madam wish to use

it for decorative purposes afterwards.

I suppose I’d better take it.

Pack it up, Miss Brahms.

I’ve not said anything.

Pack the veil up, girl.

Sorry.

Psst, oi!

Is that the way you usually attract

a lady’s attention, Mr Mash?

- No, usually I go up behind them and gowe-hey-hey!

You going to old Grainger’s farewell dinner tonight?

- It is not his farewell dinner tonight, Mr Mash.

Just because he’s 65, it doesn’t mean he’s retiring.

- If they give him a cuckoo clock, it does.

That’s what they did to old Fredricks in hardware.

44 years he’d been with the firm.

They had the dinner and when they got to the coffee,

they gave him the clock, one chorus of

“For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow,” and shoved him in the lift.

Here you are, six pairs of tights,

and six pairs of pussy boots.

Six pairs of what?

Pussy boots, fur slippers.

and we’ve got a new sales gimmick, as well, for them.

Look at that.

Whatever’s that?

One electric pussy, battery operated.

- Pussy boots, pussy boots.

How could anyone do that to a cat?

- You want to thank your lucky stars, mate,

you ain’t selling elephant hide luggage.

I’ve a good mind to write to the RSPCA.

You’re a bit late, it’s dead.

- Captain Peacock, just look what they’ve sent me.

It’s disgusting.

- Would you like to see it working, Captain?

Very well.

- Pussy boots, pussy boots.

- You must admit it’s a novelty, Mrs Slocombe.

- Pussy boots, pussy boots.

Mr Mash?

Mr Mash, take it to the vet.

Very amusing, Captain, very amusing.

- Mrs Slocombe, Mr Grainger has gone to his coffee break.

this would be a good opportunity

to discuss his birthday dinner.

Oh, yes.

Miss Brahms, come along.

Mr Humphries, are you free?

Yes, I’m free, Captain Peacock.

Mr Lucas, are you free?

- I think I am free at this precise moment Captain.

Gather round.

I’ve had a word with the canteen manager.

it would seem the most economical way of staging

this function is to hold the dinner down here.

Oh, poor Mr Grainger.

Can’t we give him a proper do in the restaurant upstairs?

That would cost us an extra £1 per head.

Let’s have it down here.

- Let’s have it at the scene of his triumphs.

Now the menu would be as follows,

vegetable soup or hors d’oeuvres.

- That’s a sardine on a bit of tired lettuce.

And the Russian salad, Mr Lucas.

- I'd forgotten the Russian salad, Captain Peacock.

I shall never forget the Russian salad.

- A main course, which I shall bring up later.

Won’t we all.

- Cabinet pudding with custard, or simulated cream,

coffee ad lib, and one After Eight mint.

And how much is that lot?

The cost Miss Brahms,

depends on what we choose as a main course.

Now roast pheasant would be £2 per head, poulet roti.

You what?

Roast chicken £1.50, steak pie 1.25,

or macaroni cheese £1.

I vote for macaroni cheese.

We can’t give the poor old soul

a dinner with macaroni cheese.

He’d prefer it.

Once he gets those teeth of his

in a pheasant, he’d be here all night.

If we have the canteen steak pie,

we’ll all be here all night.

I’ll go for the macaroni cheese, myself.

- Well I think we should give him the chicken.

Any other votes for chicken?

Yes, I’ll vote for the chicken,

it goes so well with cabinet pudding and simulated cream.

Well I favor chicken myself, so that’s

three votes for chicken and two for macaroni cheese.

And the steak pie loses its deposit.

So that means we have chicken.

That'll be £1.50 per head.

- Never mind, Shirley, you and me can share the wishbone.

I know what you’re going to wish for.

And even if he wins, he won’t get it.

The £1.50 of course, does include

Mr Grainger and his good lady wife.

Is anybody else bringing any guests?

No.

- No, I think it’s better to keep it intimate.

- We’re not adverse to a little intimacy, are we?

No, Mr Humphries.

We could invite The Galloping Gourmet.

If he took one look at that menu

he’d gallop the other way.

Thank you, Mr Lucas.

Now, as regards to dress, I think black tie.

What, nothing else?

Then it’ll be like a funeral.

I think it’s morbid, these farewell dinners.

- Miss Brahms, we do not know that it is a farewell dinner.

That’s up to our manager, Mr Rumbold.

- It’s only a farewell dinner if you get a cuckoo clock,

then you drag yourself home for the last time, stick it on