AfterMASH

I'll see you next time.

Just when we feel we can no longer endure, God in his mercy gives us respite.

Of course, we all feel at times that life is a series of endless trials and tribulations.

Amen.

So never forget, he has a plan for each of us.

We must accept the role God casts us in humbly and without malice.

Amen.

Gotta be in the homestretch.

He's gone through the Ten Commandments, the Twelve Apostles, and the Seven Deadly Sins.

What's left?

Consider the Three Musketeers.

Think of them as faith, hope, and charity.

And that's a subtle reminder that I'm a little long in the wind this morning, huh?

Amen.

Alas, I always leave them wanting less.

Announcements.

Today, as we all know, is Visitor's Day.

It is a joyous and reflective time for one and all.

It is a time for families to be reunited.

For old acquaintances to be renewed.

Today is also our first hospital annual bake sale.

A veritable feast of sweets organized by our own eternally effervescent Mrs.

Potter.

The sale proceeds will be used to purchase a phonograph for our day room.

So I hope you'll all empty your pockets and fill your stomachs for this most worthy cause.

And for those unable to make the sale, I'll pass the collection plate.

Which some impish worshiper has nailed down yet again.

Ah, Max!

Delighted to have you here.

I know Sunday is a day of rest, and you tend to take that quite literally.

For the truth, Father, I'm on the clock, picking up some mad money to pay the rent with.

Expanding my horizons at General Pershing.

Today I'm the janitor.

Well, I'm glad you could at least make it to the service.

It was the only way they'd give me a break.

Oh, wait, hello.

Did you enjoy the service?

I don't know.

All that stuff about accepting God's rule is not really what I'm looking to hear, you know?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I need a lot more than words to help me, right?

You're sleeping in chapel again, Bob.

I'm afraid God frowns on that.

You'd understand how it is when he's older.

Dr. Green, Dr. Edward Green, report to audiology.

Dr. Green to audiology, please.

All clear.

Church service is over.

Thank God.

It's not that I'm irreligious, Alma, or even sacro, but that priest can

chew up a sundae worse than any friar I've ever known.

Well, I've always believed the more a man runs off at the mouth, the less he has to say.

A rule to which you, of course, sir, are the exception.

I appreciate that, Alma.

Ditto you're giving up your day to help me.

Hope you didn't have anything big planned.

Just wrestling on television.

Gorilla Garofalo versus the Human Wrecking Ball in a no-holds-barred Texas death match.

Oh, Alma.

I didn't know.

Work me for pleasure.

Well, hello, Mike, Miss Cox, Colonel, Miss Potter.

Well, well, what do we have here?

We have here my niece, Charlotte Brimley, visiting from Fort Smith.

Charlotte, Mike D'Angelo, Alma Cox.

I'm pleased to meet you both, Charmed.

The pleasure's in the beholder, ma'am.

Duty beckons, Mr. D.

That it does.

When you're the big boss, you can't even call the weekends your own.

You're an inspiration, Mike.

That's what makes it all worthwhile.

Attention, everyone in the hospital.

The bake sale is now starting, fellas.

Be sure to buy your sugar some sweet.

So the patients on restricted diets get a colored card indicating what they can eat and what they can't.

I wrote it down for you.

I'm sick as a dog.

Do you know where admissions is?

Main entrance.

Just follow the yellow line till it runs into the wall, then ask for directions.

Thanks.

You can get there, brother.

What?

To heaven.

And I can help.

Fervous gentry preacher.

Harold Fritzell, plumber.

I spread the Lord's word freelance.

Weekends, mostly.

Friends.

Is that despair I see in your eyes?

Just a sign, I think.

Satan has got you in a half, Nelson, boy.

He's using your afflictions to blind you to the light.

Now get down on your knees here and pray with me.

Dear God, help this poor soul.

Sir, excuse me, sir.

I'm not a patient here.

I just came to see my brother.

Oh.

Do you drive a car?

Sure.

Well, if you should be thinking of getting a new one, just drop on by.

Enlightened Motors.

No wham-bam, thank you, ma'am.

Just sign your name in the wood.

Your credit's good.

It's understood.

Just think on it.

Excuse me.

I see a sullen wretch who really needs my help.

Son.

Son.

I can see the years of misery lining your visage, but eternal life can be yours.

My life's already eternal.

I spent half of it in the bathroom, which is where I'm heading right now.

Hey, Sergeant Potter, come here.

Ever meet a Jack-leg minister before?

It's been a long time, but not long enough.

Have you been cleared by the chaplain's office, Mr...

Reverend Gentry, the Lord's messenger needs no clearance, sir.

Didn't I have to do something?

The bathroom.

Thanks.

Thanks the Lord!

Mr. Gentry, counseling our patients is too important a job for amateurs.

Amateur?

Sir, the Lord has personally apprised me of the spiritual needs of these patients.

Let me put this as diplomatically as I can.

Leave.

Go.

Buy a cake and go.

My, my, these forms are a mess.

I'm afraid we'll have to put our heads together and keep them there far into the night, sir.

Huh?

What?

Into the night?

I'll arrange to have dinner for two sent up.

Sir, would you mind dividing these weekly reports?

I can't.

I have to go.

What?

Spot check of the wards.

Every so often I, uh, like to surprise our people when they think I'm not around.

Since I am around, which is a surprise to me, let it be one to them.

We are going to work together.

We are.

We're just doing it apart.

Oh, Father, I'm Harold Fritzell.

My brother is a patient up there.

Oh, yes.

I think your visit's going to be a real shot in the arm for Wally.

That's why I want to see him.

I just don't want to use the stairs or the elevator.

Any suggestions?

Not unless you're an exceptionally proficient pole vaulter.

What's the problem?

Acrophobia.

A morbid fear of high places.

It's a real phobia.

It's been accepted by the American Medical Association and Time Magazine.

Well, phobias aren't my strong suit.

I'm extremely good with guilt, however.

A carnal urge is something of a specialty.

Father, just tell my brother that I'm here, I love him, and I'll get up there if I can.

Of course.

You just relax.

I have some other business to do right now, but I promise to talk to him.

Careful!

Oh, can I help you, Mrs. Connell?

Do I know you?

Of course!

Were we married?

I'm Mrs. Potter.

I'm Bob Connell.

I want this cake, and this one, and this one here for dessert.

I'll have to see your dietary card.

Don't have one.

No card, no cake.

You're a tough woman.

Are you sure we weren't ever married?

Sorry.

I can't let you have cake.

It's bad for your stomach.

I don't have a stomach.

Exactly.

You might die.

I will die soon.

And my last request is cake.

Now, I won't forget this.

Well, actually, I will in about ten minutes.

But then I'll remember.

And when I remember, I'll be back.

Unless I forget.

Everybody?

Hello.

Good day, et cetera.

Oh, Mr. D'Angelo.

You remembered my name.