All in the Family

Look at this.

Hey, hey, hey, old blue eyes is back.

Hey, you know somethin'?

Them ultraviolet lights in the "terlet" seats

always scare me.

Archie, that's to sterilize the seat.

I know it's to sterilize,

but how does the light know where the seat ends and I begin?

Refills?

- Mmm. - Yeah.

Yeah. Ha!

Thank you.

You want some more sugar, sugar?

Oh, no, no, I'm on a diet,

but you just dip your pinky in there,

that'll make it sweet, sweetie.

You are so cute!

Yeah, people always say that.

Hey, what's our joke for today?

Oh, hey, hey, I got a new joke for ya today.

- No, no! - Not the Martian joke!

- The Martian, the Martian! - Give us a break!

Shut up!

There was this Martian, see,

and he lands here in New York.

So he's got the antennies up there, ya know, blinkin' and flashin'.

He's over there on 8th Avenue, and he ducks into a bar.

So right away, he sees the pinball machine.

Pinball machine is flashin' with the lights goin'

and the bells ringin'.

He goes over to the machine, he puts his hand on it,

and he says, "Hey, what's a nice girl like you doin' in a joint like this?"

I always get a laugh outta Denise.

You are so adorable, I could kiss you.

Hey, hey, hey!

Maybe I shoulda took that for dessert,

because it's so delicious and it ain't fattening.

Huh?

That's my Archie, the super burger with everything.

Oh, you're-a so adorable! I could kiss you!

Yeah, maybe I should have had that for dessert.

It's delicious, and it ain't even fattening!

Ooh!

Will you... People looking at you,

they'll think we're three kinds of fruit over here.

Hey, listen to me, Arch, will ya?

You know that Denise over there?

She's just beggin' you for some action.

Ah, would ya listen to Foley the philangerer over here.

Jeez.

You really think so?

You can't miss.

Hey, look, she digs you, Archie.

Why don't you make your move, man?

Make a move?

If I was to make any kind of a move,

Edith'd kill me.

Who says Edith's gotta know anyway?

You got a right to some fun.

Foley, I'm a married man,

which means that I ain't got no right to no fun.

Hey, now, Archie,

what's wrong with a married guy havin' someone stashed somewhere, man?

What the hell do I look like, a congressman?

I'm a very legit, law-abidin' guy,

you understand what I mean?

If I was to try anything like that...

Which I wouldn't...

Edith would be sure to get wise.

She's loaded with this, what do ya call,

woman's intermission.

That is baloney!

Look, tell her you went bowlin' with me.

She'd believe that.

Well, she might believe that.

Or tell her you spent the evening at my house.

She'd never believe that, Whitey.

You know, Whitey, poor old Archie Bunker.

Looks like our senior citizen here is just a little bit over the hill.

Right on, my man.

Look like we talking candy to a guy who ain't got no more teeth.

I got news for you.

I'm still as good as I ever was.

Didn't you hear the old saying there?

Just 'cause there's snow on the basement

don't mean there ain't no fire in the roof.

Think that over a minute, huh?

That's heavy, ain't it?

Oh, you boys have a good time now, ya hear?

We'll see you lovebirds later.

Ah, go on.

Well, okay, what's the damage?

Uh, 1.35.

And don't forget to look under the cup

for a little somethin' for yourself there, Denise.

Thank you.

Here. Hey, you wouldn't believe

what them two dummies was talkin' about over here.

What?

Well, they was sayin' that because you and me kid around a lot,

and you take good care of me when I come in here

that you and me... well, you know.

What?

Ah, well...

Could I have one of them, uh, uh, peppermint, uh, toothpicks there?

I...

Help yourself.

You know that perfume you're wearing, it's really somethin'.

What is it? Faberge?

Something like that.

Take your time and enjoy it.

Ah, well...

Well, to hell with the toothpick.

They say them things bust your enamel anyhow, you know?

Uh, but... Denise, uh...

Somethin' else you wanna say, Archie?

No, I ain't got the time.

Well, uh... in case you ever have the time...

here's my number.

Excuse me.

Oops.

Hey, Jeanette MacDonald, your Eddy Nelson's here.

Oh!

Hey, Archie.

Ah!

And he's ready for a night to remember, Edith.

I brought home a bottle of Taylor's tawny port here.

What is this?

Joey's potty!

What's it doin' in the livin' room?

You tryin' to keep flies outta the kitchen?

Oh, no. I'm gonna put it away

until Joey's ready for terlet training.

He don't need no training for that, Edith.

That's the best thing he does.

Well, Gloria says that wrong training

can affect a child for life, and I guess she's right,

'cause my mother had a neighbor, Mrs. Applebaum,

and she had a little baby, Wilton Applebaum,

and she started training him too early,

and he kept slidin' into the pot.

And they said it must have affected his mind,

'cause he grew up to be a terrible gambler.

And he was in this poker game once, and this man said to him,

"Wilton, are you in the pot?" and Wilton shot him.

You tell swell stories, Edith.

They're a little long, but they're swell.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, get your mind off everything tonight

but just you and me, huh?

Couple of blasts of the tawny port here,

upstairs early, and then, que seroo, seroo.

Come on, sit down over here. Right on the lap.

You want me to sit on your lap?

That's right.

Just move a little forward, Edith, so I can breathe here.

There, now, huh?

Let me tell you what happened at the Sunshine Home today.

No, I don't wanna hear that, Edith.

What is the matter with you lately?

Every time I come home, you're busy doin' a favor for the kids,

you're baby-sittin' for Joey,

or you're gallopin' back and forth

between here and the Sunshine Senior Citizens Home.

I mean, Edith, I feel kinda neglected around here.

I'm worried about Mr. Kleeger.

Oh, jeez, old Sunshine Kleeger.

Ain't he dead yet?

Oh, no!

I'm worried about him because he was so nervous today.

Sure, he's nervous. He's 100, ain't he?

Oh, no! He's only 90.

Ah, jeez, a mere stripling.

He wasn't nervous 'cause he's 90.

He was nervous 'cause he wants to propose to Mrs. Friedman,

and I got his teeth.

You got his teeth? Where?

Oh, right here.

I'll show you.

No, jeez! I don't wanna look at...

Oh, she shows 'em to me anyway!

I picked 'em up at the dentist for him.

Put 'em away, will ya?

I'd just as soon look at the kid's potty.

Now, come on, here.

Now let's dwell on you and me.

First of all, hey, hey.

I got a hell of a new story I wanna tell ya.

This is a swell joke.

There's this Martian, see, and he lands in New York,

and he's over on 8th Avenue.

He's got his antennies up in the air,

and they're blinkin' and flashin' there.

All electrified.

And he goes into a bar.

That ain't the joke. What's so funny about a bar?