Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

Thanks, Billy. You can just put him anywhere.

Oi! I'm not a fridge.

Do you need a hand getting out your chair?

No.

I just want to help.

- How about I take you to the loo? - No!

I can scratch that for you, if you like.

Are you taking the piss?

I do it for some of my older patients.

I've even got a special stick.

Why is he still here?

He's trying to give you a hand. It's his job.

I don't need a hand, especially his robbing Scouse hands!

Have you checked your purse?

Don't be offensive!

Go on, go on, sling it!

Time for me to give me woman the red-hot shafting she's been waiting months for.

Don't listen to him.

Although he does have a point. Thanks for everything. Bye, Billy!

No probs, babe!

If you need a hand, I'm happy to help you with absolutely anything.

Oh, and, Gaz, if you ever need a go of my testicle-tickling stick...

Get him out!

Thanks, Billy. Bye.

What do you mean, "Thanks for everything"? He's done sod all!

He was teaching me how to look after you when we got back here, which is why...

# Check out, check out, check out Check out the handrails...

# Check out, check out, check out Check out the bedpan

# Check out, check out Check out, check out

# The leaflet for Stannah Stairlifts. #

I don't need any of that stuff. Nothing's really changed.

Right, of course.

And now I'm going to shag you till your nose falls off.

Are you sure about this?

Oh, the things I'm gonna do to you!

Don't worry, Gaz.

It happens to every man at some point.

What, they fall off the bed...

...knock over a bedside cabinet, piss everywhere and start crying?

We just need to try another technique.

You know, like try not to leap on me.

Maybe... crawl...

...or waddle.

Oh, yeah, cos that sounds sexy!

"I'm going to waddle the shit out of you."

I tell you what, we could go to the Archer.

Yeah, it'd be nice to get back to normal, see the rest of the old gang.

Right, what old gang?

Janet's gone to Milton Keynes,

and Louise has joined that weird moon-worshipping cult.

God, yeah, what was she thinking?

In Milton Keynes?!

But no, no, there's the rest of the old crowd, isn't there? There's, um...

There's Tim and, er, Jim. Um...

Ken and Deirdre, Mike Baldwin.

I just want to see my best mate, who never changes, then me old pub.

Right, there's probably something I should mention about the Archer.

Look at this place.

It's like Hollyoaks...

...only with Arthur!

No, no, I can handle this. I can fit in with a young crowd.

Easy now.

Wagwan, rude boy.

Donna! Gaz!

Tim, me mate! Two pints, please. Me mouth's drier than a camel's cock.

- I can manage! - All right.

Excuse me.

Honk-honk, you twats. Out the way, move.

Hey! Tim! Ah, look at you.

- At least you're still the same. - I am indeed!

Shimmy, shimmy, step!

- No, no, it's step, step, shimmy. - New material, darling.

It's so good to see you guys! Look at you, Gaz. You're doing great.

You're like a sexy Davros!

How's it going, Tim?

Oh, I am brilliant. Business is booming.

I've discovered a delightful new hand cream - Shimmering Cranberry.

And to top it all off, I've got my two happiest customers back.

Yes, it's as if everything is going my way and nothing could possibly spoil it!

What a chuffing toilet.

Yes, I am happier than Lindsay Lohan in a room full of booze and penises.

Excuse me one moment.

Did you just tread on my shoe?

Did you just look at my shoe?

Did you just fail to acknowledge that you either stepped on or looked at my shoe?

I'm going to batter you, you willy!

Oi! You leave Arthur alone!

I can do what I like, gut mouth. It's a free country.

I thought I told you I never wanted to see you round here,

so why don't you make like a banana and... piss off?!

You can't tell me what to do.

You're just some stuck-up little diva

whose ego's bigger than his tits!

And that's saying something!

She's a bit of a gobby cow, isn't she?

Hey, don't talk about my sister like that!

What? Your sister?

Yes, this is Cassie.

Like sassy, or brassy,

or evil pain-in-the-assy.

Oh, my God!

Are you a cripple?

- Don't call him that! He's my boyfriend. - Ew!

Are you like, totally, a disabled groupie?

Do you hang around in, like... wheelchair places trying to get knobbed?

Straight out of a Jane Austen novel, isn't she?

Why are you even here?!

I thought you had another year in that young offenders'.

I got let out early for good behaviour.

Didn't set fire to anything for nearly a whole fortnight.

Look, Cassie, I'd love to say it's a pleasure to see you,

but it's more like having a pineapple shoved up my nose!

- Why are you even here?! - I'm not causing any trouble.

Well, I'm not starring in another Crimewatch re-enactment when you do.

I didn't even get to meet Fiona Bruce last time.

You all right, Tim?

- You look a bit shaken up. - Who, me?

Oh, don't be ridiculoso.

Why won't you open, you bastard?! That's the whole point of you!

I think maybe I should take him upstairs and calm him down.

What am I meant to do?

You can make some trendy new friends.

Eastside. Come on.

All right, love, how do you fancy...? All right, then.

OK, you just sit down there,

and I'm going to make you a lovely cup of lapshing-sang...

shhh...

Tea!

Ohh...

So are you OK?

It's just seeing Cassie again.

That girl traumatised me through my youth.

It's the most screwed up brother-and-sister relationship since...

Jedward.

Well, you know what might make you feel better?

Shutting up and listening to me moan about my life! Come on.

- I thought you and Gaz were all right? - Not really.

I thought things might be tough, dealing with these changes,

but the biggest thing is, I'm just...

...so shitting horny!

What?

I haven't had proper sex in nearly a year.

If we didn't have a power shower,

I probably would've killed someone by now, just killed 'em, outright.

W-W-What's the problem? Just shag Gaz.

We tried.

- It didn't go very well. - How so?

There were... issues.

In what way?

He spaffed everywhere when he was only an inch deep, all right, Tim?!

Ah, I probably shouldn't have probed.

Neither should Gaz.

Look, there's more to your relationship than just sex.

You find him funny, don't you?

Do you know what? You're right.

Yeah, I'm going to focus on Gaz's hilarious antics.

That should stop me thinking about sex.

Good idea!

That'll take your mind off Gaz's banging body and his meaty cock!

You're not helping!

Here we are! My five-a-side team.

All right, lads? I was going to give you a ring.

Hey, Gaz, good to see you back on your... wheels.

Listen, I was hoping to get back on the team.

Well, I-I'll be walking again soon,

and obviously, in the meantime, I won't be able to track back,

and I'll probably only be able to score when the ball deflects off my head...

That was kind of all you did, anyway.

Exactly! Stick to what you're good at!

Look, Gaz, the thing is, your place on the team's kind of been taken.

You what? By who?

Hey, you all right, babe?

You?

Aw, hey, look at you, acting like nothing's changed.

It's a beautiful thing.

Piss off, dickhead!

The only thing that's changed is you've nicked my spot on the team.

The guys said you haven't been around much.

I was in a coma.

The boys said you never bothered to turn up to practice.

I was in a coma, you scrote!

And they said the only time you ever scored

was when the ball deflected off your head.

I can't bel...

All right, I'll give you that one.

But that's my team! I belong there.

You know I said I'd do absolutely anything for you?

Well...

I'll give up my spot on the team, if that's what you want.

I don't want that! I don't want your help.

I don't want to be on your stupid team, anyway.

I... I am still on the darts team, though, right?

Piss off! There's nothing wrong with me arms, look!

Oh!