King of the Hill

Ripped By mstoll

My very first clothing exchange.

I've never felt so cosmopolitan.

That's a word I learned in a bar.

So...

the magazine says we each present an item of clothing,

and the first one to call dibs gets it.

Oh, like a key party.

Or so I've heard.

Okay, these boots I only wore once,

and then I stopped wearing maroon.

Dibs!

These are adorable!

I have the perfect out fit for...

Oh, right.

Dibs!

I want to try them!

Oh! Are they cute on you.

Perfect! Yay!

Okay, everybody, my turn.

How about these?

They're functional.

They can go straight from a PTA meeting

to a sexy night on the town.

Aunt Peggy, culottes aren't cool.

Even though it sounds like they should be.

Oh, sug, surely someone will want these...

overalls.

So how was your clothes exchange?

I bet Nancy liked that old softball jersey of yours.

As it turns out,

Nancy would rather have a pair of men's dirty flip-flops

than my softball jersey.

Apparently, it wasn't feminine enough.

You think I'm feminine, don't you, Hank?

Well, sure you are.

You're a wife and a mother.

Yeah, there's that.

I just felt so ungainly compared to those women.

Why don't you call your shoe store in Lubbock?

I'm treating you to some new shoes.

Thank you, Hank.

And by the way,

you're wearing my jeans again.

This is the greatest book I've ever read.

Wow, Dr. Prankenstein

has a degree in "Hee" with a minor in "Haa."

Joseph, have you seen my lucky switchblade comb?

I already told you!

I broke it!

Ah, you're right.

Sorry I snapped at you, Joseph.

See, there's going to be a coup today at the gun club

and I may become the new president

if I can get over these pre-coup jitters.

Mr. Gribble, I know what would help you relax.

How would you like a 25-cent massage?

Who wouldn't?

Here you go, Mr. Gribble.

One 25-cent massage coming up.

You just roll this gently all over your face.

Wow, this is fantastic, Bobby.

(chuckling)

This is as relaxing as smoking used to be.

Well...

off to my coup.

We got to go watch this.

Hello? Hello, Lubbock's VeryBig Shoes.

Guess what I'm calling about?

Sorry, lady, the shoe store went out of business.

We're a dog bakery now. (Dogs barking in background)

Aunt Peggy!

Look what I got.

A bracelet.

It's what some women wear on their wrists.

It's like jewelry.

Yes, Luanne, I know what a bracelet is.

Hello, do you have a pump in a size... 16?

Which brand?

Oh, my God.

Wedges?

Sandals?

These boots...

they're just like Nancy's.

It's too big.

Okay, phase one of the coup is underway.

Spiro's safely locked and secure in the snack closet.

It's time to pick our new leader.

Our short list is Earl Boley and Dale Gribble.

Where's Dale?

Coward didn't show.

All right,

looks like you're our new president, Earl.

(door opening)

Hey, guys.

I think he's wearing war paint.

I'm with Dale.

Me, too. Give me that pen!

I don't get it.

They're not laughing at him.

I say we make Gribble the new president.

All in favor, fire once into the ground.

Maybe we didn't do it right.

How much do you love zebra print?

Okay.

You know how when you see a really cute baby,

and you just want to eat it?

That is howl feel about these shoes.

Oh, here, you take it.

Oh, thank you.

Peggy.

Carolyn.

I usually hear this, not say it...

nice grip.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Who are you talking to?

Different people.

I want to see my new clothes in action

before I commit to owning them.

It's a technique I learned

from this interesting woman I met today.

Her name is Carolyn and she wears gloves.

Gloves?

Huh, that is interesting.

I felt this instant sense of camaraderie with her

that I don't normally find with other women.

So you've got someone to talk to about this stuff now?

That's great.

Yes, it is, Hank.

Taxi!

Hmm, this chicken curry is delicious.

I could understand why it is one of Oprah's favorite sandwiches.

Peggy, you ate that whole sandwich.

Yes, yes, I did.

I'm sorry. That was very unladylike.

And none of your lipstick smeared or came off at all.

How do you do that?

Well, just before biting,

I move the teeth forward and slide the lip up.

I'll show you in slo-mo.

It works!

This is going to be a lifesaver.

See, I do this song and dance act on the weekends,

and I need to be able to snack between sets,

so I don't pass out during the particularly emotional numbers.

Thank you, Peggy.

I got the idea

from watching Shark Attacks on the Nature Channel,

or a Bette Davis movie... I can't remember.

I don't know why everyone doesn't drive

with their high beams on.

You see so much better.

So, the glasses.

Are you afraid of the laser surgery, too?

'Cause the closest I want to get to a laser is front row

at a Chaka Khan concert.

Actually, the glasses hide thin brows,

fine lines and wrinkles.

People do not say it,

but they make me look ten years younger.

True that.

Oh, Carolyn, if there wasn't a parking brake between us,

I'd think we were connected at the hip.

Oh, my God, the parking brake's on.

Ooh.

I helped myself to some tea.

Hey, Mom.

Sorry I'm late.

Do not apologize for yourself, now or ever.

I love the new wig, son. Gorgeous.

Thanks. I just had the best time with this new girl, Peggy Hill.

I don't know what his real name is.

Nancy, it's Peggy.

I can't go shopping with you tomorrow.

I'm hanging out with my new gal pal.

I should call Minh, too.

Oh, it's so nice to have a friend

who's strong enough to push her way through a sale.

Nancy always fell somewhere between lingerie and handbags.

Some of my friends are too scared to go to the mall.

They buy everything online.

Thank goodness I hid all the good stuff last week.

Ta-da.

I love it. I have to wear scarves in the show.

So, what do you do in your act?

Well, I don't do any one artist like some of the girls do.

A little Liza, Barbra, Celine.

My favorites.

You really know how to work a scarf.

Hey, I've always wanted to do a duet in the show.

You and me, Peggy... what do you say?

Yes. Great!

Just bring your own eyelashes.

I always do.

And one more time.

Now don't be afraid to move your head a little