The Ba***ds of Bollywood

Forget the protein powder. It's your brain that needs work.

How am I getting yelled at? It was Freddy using that girl for soccer practice.

-Did he score? -You shut your mouth!

You have to work with Freddy. You're stuck.

What did Karan say?

I still haven't talked to him.

Wow!

So you're heading to Goa

to rehearse for a film you probably won't have tomorrow.

There you go.

-Where is this mess going? -Not near you.

Dharma is not covering your airfare. You hear me?

Hey, I'm not hurting on cash. I got plenty.

Hey, if news spreads about this thing, then what?

Freddy cares even more about his image than you. It won't spread.

Bro?

What if you end up being the same as Jaraj Saxena?

Don't say stuff like that!

- -

Listen, we'll… the Goa thing, let's just cancel it.

Excellent idea.

Then KJo will be a new enemy in addition,

and we can all go fight him together.

So she's basically saying

that you have to go through with this thing.

Hey, Subtitles. Are you done? Let's go, man. Got a flight.

-Yeah, fly this. All right, bro. -I'd try if you had anything there.

Just go.

Are you guys ready?

Because in my new film,

Karishma Talvar and Aasmaan Singh, the hot new couple,

will be paired opposite each other.

I'm not just making a love story.

There's also gonna be action.

In fact, breaking news,

this is Dharma Production's very first adult film. Okay?

The violence will be very violent.

And the romance, well, let's just say, it won't be for kids.

They look so hot together, sir.

Total power couple vibes.

Done.

Ooh, la, la.

-Oh wow! -Wow!

- Welcome, sir. -Thank you.

Thank you.

-Sir, welcome. -You don't need to do that. Oh jeez.

Karishma. What's up?

What's up?

- Hey! -This is Parvaiz, my buddy.

- Hello! -Hi!

- -What it is! What's this?

Black alkaline water.

Shut up.

-Hey, yo, man. How's the weather up there? -Shut up, dickhead. So dumb.

Wait. Hey, so did you get to meet the intimacy coach?

Well, I've been waiting here all day, but I can't find him.

-I'll just call Karan. -Yeah, whatever.

Oh, sweetie.

Hi, Karishma. How are you?

Yes!

Thanks for taking my call, Karan. This is actually Jaraj Saxena.

What? What the fuck have you done with Karishma? I'll call the police!

No, no, please don't call the cops! This is just a spoofing device!

I can call using anyone's number!

I can be anyone!

Bro, you blocked my number,

so, you know, I thought I'd call you up and surprise you.

Fuck! How many times will I block this fucker's number?

Karan? Karan? Hello?

Piece of shit. Fucking idiot. I'll fuck you.

- -Karan?

Oh fuck!

- -Fuck, fuck. Sorry. Karishma.

Hi, it is you. Hi.

-Sorry, I thought it was somebody else. -Who?

Um, never mind.

Okay, Karan. We're all at the hotel, and the coach is nowhere to be found.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. Sorry, sorry.

No, the intimacy coach canceled.

He's going through a… divorce.

What? So should we come back?

No, no, no. I've got it sorted. I found a substitute.

He's waiting in the shack.

Okay, Karan. Thanks.

One sec. Karishma, is, uh, Aasmaan there?

-Aasmaan? -Hey, hey. Come on.

Karan.

Oh, it is?

-Uh, hi, sir. - Hi, Aasmaan.

So I hear you and Freddy had already signed

a three-film deal ahead of this shoot.

- -Is it… exclusive?

Uh, no, sir.

I mean, I spoke to him, and we've sorted it all out.

You're sure?

Yes, sir. I'm sure.

Not sure.

Hey, thanks for turning off that song, man.

My ears were bleeding like a fucking stuck pig.

Gotta take care of these bad boys, man.

That music, my granny wouldn't even listen to that shit.

- -Uncle, uncle! Uncle, uncle!

Coloring books. You want any?

Eh.

-Uncle, get a couple, huh? -I don't need it.

Uncle, I haven't eaten all day.

I'm poor. Come on.

I said I didn't want it. Now go on. Get outta here!

Go! Go!

Uncle, uncle!

- -Please buy some coloring books.

Child, please.

I lay down at your feet, and I beg of you!

I'm no good with coloring!

Stupid ass.

There isn't anything I'm good at.

- -

Boy, I'll use my fist to color your face…

- -

Havin' a bad day, right?

Now what do you want to sell me?

Well, nothing. Bought and sold.

Huh?

Forget it.

Avtar, right?

Hey, how do you know my name?

From that night at the success party. Aasmaan's uncle, right?

Oh, so you were there, huh?

Maybe, maybe not.

Jesus, I should've got the coloring books from the kid.

He left?

Forget about the substitute. I'll be your intimacy coach.

What? You can go and ask all the honeys out in Byculla.

-Intimacy is my love language. -Shut up, man.

What a dumbass.

-Crazy. -You know, Sukhi?

I bet this guy's a coach 'cause he doesn't get any.

-I bet he is. - You're late.

And bro, you're right.

Those who aren't getting any,

they do come… to coach.

- -So here I am.

At Karan's request, I left my family vacation to come.

Only for you guys. Hmm? So let's get started.

Really appreciate it, sir.

You'd better, Miss Talvar.

-Sir, Aasmaan. -Yeah, yeah. You can save that.

-Anyway… -

-And who's he? -Uh, sir, he's my friend. Pa… Parvaiz.

Okay.

All right! So--

Okay. All right.

Parvaiz.

I, uh, thank you for that.

Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

- - Chill.

-Anyone else here gonna sing to me? -No, sir.

You, Karishma? Or this guy?

No, sir.

Okay. Let's get serious now.

Listen carefully. I'm here to facilitate intimacy on-screen.

It may look simple enough, but it's difficult.

So to help you learn, I'm gonna give you some exercises.

The first thing you'll try, mirroring.