American Dad!

Aah!

Mmm!

Damn it.

Mmm, this bagel is so good.

It's Thomas'.

They made a bagel just like...

: ...a real New York bagel.

Hey, taxi!

This is the most amazing bagel.

I wish I could tell more people about it,

strangers even.

Why not get on Facebook?

What's that?

It's the Web site you go to when you're done yanking it.

Here, I'll set you up, Mom.

Do people really care what I just ate?

Facebook is all about reconnecting.

Give me the name of someone from your past.

How about Kelly Wilk?

No!

I forbid you to locate Kelly Wilk.

Which, of course, means I have to.

Oh, my God, that's Kelly.

I haven't seen her in 20 years.

They called her The Kidney Killer

because she made people party so hard,

their kidneys would shut down.

We used to go down to this club called The Button

and get destroyed.

One time I passed out hugging the toilet bowl,

my face two inches from a turd somebody left on the seat.

Ah, I miss it.

I know The Button.

I used to cruise and sell ecstasy there.

You know, I created ecstasy.

You didn't create ecstasy, Roger.

I did too create ecstasy.

I'll prove it.

Klaus, my files.

I am not your secretary.

Now I am.

Nonsense.

Excuse me.

Mom, Kelly lives in D.C.

You should friend her.

Do not friend her.

Kelly is too wild.

No good can come of it.

Come on, let Mom have some fun once in a while.

Why don't you ever take my side?

Because your side is always wrong.

Your side is always wrong.

Ow!

Ha-ha, can't get me.

Come on, Mom, it might be fun to reconnect after 20 years.

Sure, I'm game.

Oh, my God, that must be her.

Party till you puke!

Kelly, you crazy...

Francine.

...nun!

Sister Wilk, actually.

As it says in Leviticus...

Ah, I don't know what the it says in Leviticus!

I'm just messing with you!

Oh, you crazy tramp. You haven't changed a bit.

Oh, Kelly, this is my daughter Hayley.

Nice to meet you.

What's your tattoo say?

"Eat out more often."

Hey, what do you say we grab some drinks? I'm in.

Hayley, you think you can hang?

Oh, trust me, I can hang.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, you want to see a real Pontiac Fiero?

You still have that?

Yeah, it's my good luck car.

I've only gotten 19 DUIs in it.

One, two, three!

Ooh.

Francine, you raised a lightweight.

Bistore!

Bistore.

Oh, no.

That's right-- Ultimate Kellys.

What's, what's in it?

Don't worry about it.

Let's just say it's why Montel Williams has M.S.

Honey, you sit this one out.

They don't call her The Kidney Killer for nothing.

No, I'm, I'm fine, I can hang.

George, what's the matter?

The alcohol.

I can't take it anymore, Joe.

I'm, I'm shutting down.

What? Georgie, no.

One, two, three!

Good-bye, Joe.

I'll always remember that trip we took to the anus.

No!

I can't make it alone.

My insides hurt.

What happened?

Oh, Stan, we were out having a drink with Kelly

and one of Hayley's kidneys died,

and her other kidney is failing.

She's going to need a transplant.

Oh, my God.

I'd give her mine, but I only have one.

Kelly killed my other one

when we had a tequila-pounding contest

with comedian George Wallace, who went on to become

the second most famous black man in a Kangol hat.

Who's the first most famous?

Samuel L. Jackson.

Then I guess I'll have to give her one of my kidneys.

Or... we could leave her hooked up

to a machine her whole life,

like me and my coffeemaker, I tell you what.

What are you talking about?

She's my daughter.

I'm giving her my kidney.

I'm ready.

Somebody shave my groin.

I like it against the grain.

Stan, wait, I don't know if you'll be a match.

What? Don't be ridiculous.

Why wouldn't I be a match?

Well...

there's a chance you're not Hayley's father.

I... might not be Hayley's father?

You cheated on me?

I'm sorry.

It happened a few days before our wedding

at my bachelorette party.

A few days before the wedding?!

While I was dealing with small details

that ultimately made it

the most beautiful day of my life?

: A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance.

I was freaking out that my life was changing.

I was going from being this party girl

to being someone's wife, and I got drunk and--

oh, it was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Can you ever forgive me?

You big whore.

I don't know why I'm holding you like this.

It must be very confusing.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith, bad news.

Your daughter's second kidney is only working at 20%.

If it fails, she dies.

Hayley will likely need a kidney transplant.

Well, I may not be compatible

because right before our wedding,

my wife had warm-up sex with another man.

I can test to see if you're her father,

but it'll take a few days.

Your insurance is terrible.

It won't pay for us to overnight your samples

to the lab in Dallas, so we'll have to use Robby.

I'm Robby!

I'm not allowed to stay up and watch Castle!

In the meantime, you'd better track down the other man

you slept with, in case your daughter needs that kidney.

So who is he, Francine?

I'm not sure.

Just someone I m in a bar and had sex with in the coat room.

You had sex with a stranger in the coat room?

Coat room sex, huh?

Did you take off his pants and jacket?

Ah...!

My grandmother's here.

She's dying.

Stan, I know you're upset.

Upset?

I'm just now finding out

my daughter might not even be mine.

I can't believe it.

I mean, I changed her diapers,

I fed her, I clothed her, I got her braces,

I sent her to college.

Holy (bleep), that guy owes me so much money.

Hold on, Stan, there's a good chance

Hayley is your daughter.

You and I had sex three days after I was with him.

No, no, this all makes sense.

I can't believe I never saw it before.

Hayley and I have never agreed on a single thing:

the environment, health care, favorite fast food mascot.

I say the Hamburglar because he's an outlaw

and that's sexy as hell.

I don't remember what Hayley said,