Beaver Falls

This is strictly whatever the opposite of platonic is.

- We're like an old married couple. - No, no, no! We're not a couple.

So, this doesn't change anything?

No.

I'm sorry if you still have feelings for me.

Oh, my God! You are such a shit stirrer!

Let's move!

I can't hear you! What?

You can't trust Hope.

Wow! You are a great kisser.

Rachael! I just heard you're no longer camp guidance counsellor.

You do know I've never had a proper girlfriend?

I know. And I don't care.

Let me give you Boyfriend 101.

I used to be cool. Now I'm just pouncing on nerds!

Bobby! Since last summer, I've been to therapy,

and I am making some great big steps.

God! It is so good to be back.

It's cold. It's wet. It's miserable.

I mean, I love England. But here...

Here is something else.

I've got the sun, I've got me mates with me, I've got you.

My life couldn't be better.

Are you sure it couldn't get any better?

Cos I could definitely think of something.

Give me a minute.

OK.

Morris?

It's Maurice.

What the hell happened?!

I happened.

Jake!

Stay back, man! I'm warning you!

Shit! Jake, I'm sorry.

I had to.

That's OK, Barry.

Kimberley, careful! It's Jake.

He's...

Oh, bollocks!

She's the same as me, Barry.

Always has been.

Always will be.

Morning.

Thank you for not being undead.

Thank you for sucking at video games.

I've corrupted you, you know.

You'd never have gone near one of those things when we first met.

Hold that thought.

And do not die.

OK.

Shit! I've got to get ready.

My dad's paying a surprise visit.

When does he get here?

He's already arrived.

Captain Murphy!

At ease, soldier.

Didn't realise you'd scheduled a visit this year.

Kimberley hadn't mentioned it.

Because I didn't want her to know in advance. It's...

easier that way. She's at that...

difficult age.

The old sneak attack, huh?

Shoot in under cover of darkness, and bam!

Next thing, Charlie knows it's all beans

and mother-lovers for breakfast!

Yeah. So, how's she been?

I mean, I know me and her mother splitting

has been kind of tough on her.

She's been fine.

Reassuring to know she has a strong, stabilising influence here.

I do my best.

I meant her boyfriend.

Permission to speak freely, Sir?

Granted.

He's a bone-headed moron,

a slack-jawed, drooling numbnut of terrifying proportions.

You check that attitude into the door, soldier!

If anything, he reminds me of myself at that age.

This country could do with more men like him.

Meeting the parents. That's the big one.

And I'm all hungover and my hair's doing that weird thing.

It's OK. You don't have to.

Really? Wait, is this a trap?

You know, I agree with you and then you get all mad at me?

No, it's not a trap.

I think my dad's found out I've dropped out of college.

And considering I kept cashing his cheques...

Ah!

Yeah. Probably facing a major ass-whooping,

so better if I fly solo on this one. OK?

OK.

OK.

Morning.

If this was 'Nam, you'd be dead.

Dad.

Kimbo.

Bet you hate me right now, huh?

Surprise visit and all.

Wouldn't be you if you did things the easy way.

Eye's front.

Good morning, Beaver Falls.

Jesus H Christ,

Elvis Aaron Presley

and the Notorious BIG.

What do they have in common?

They all died under the age of 50.

But you know who didn't?

My beloved wife, Pam,

who today hits that glorious milestone!

You have got to be kidding me!

Let's hear it for Pam.

50 and still going strong!

I am not 50!

That's right. She's not 50! She's...

21.

All over again.

Looks like Dad's really got his game face on.

It's a good choice, too. It'stotallyher weak spot.

It's a bit childish.

Oh, she deserves it.

Wooo! Yeah!

Er, guys, shouldn't you be

doing something?

Shouldn't you?

Good point.

We're mourning our loss.

Lads! Thurston didn't die. He just went home.

There's legions of jocks out there.

And only three of us left.

Man, we easy meat.

See, the jocks loved picking on Thurston.

He was like the deflector shield to our Millennium Falcon.

Now he's gone.

You've got me and A-Rab. Flynn.

Haven't you, eh?

We'll watch your back.

Don't pretend you care about us. You only care

about following that lifeguard around.

Yeah! How comes you're not humping her leg right now?

She went to go meet her dad.

Without you?

Yeah. Without me.

What?

Come on, man. Wake up and smell the bananas!

She didn't take you to meet her old man cos she'sembarrassedby you.

Why would she be embarrassed byme?

What?

So, how's Jake?

Jake?

Yeah.

Good.

Has he made up his mind about enlisting yet?

We could do with a man like him

to help kick the butt of Johnny al-Qaeda.

We haven't really discussed it.

Speaking of which, why are you here?

Is there some kind of, er...

problem?

No, no!

Nothing major. Just something I wanted to discuss.

We could do it over dinner.

Invite Jake. Be great to see him again.

He probably has plans or something.

Well, then, you tell him it's a direct order, Private!

Happy Birthday, by the way.

Seriously?

No, I mean it. You know, it's your birthday.

So, have a good one.

Thank you.

I've been avoiding you.

Yeah. I kind of got that.

It's not because of your illness.

I know you probably don't want to talk about it,

and I'm not the gushy type,

but if you did need to speak to someone, I'm...

I know. It's all right, thanks.

It's just now that Lori's bought the camp,

I've got to keep my eye on the prize.

It was fun though, right?

Yeah, it was.

There's no way Pam's 50.

Course she's not. She's not even close.

Feel bad for her. Bobby's just pushed

this whole birthday thing to piss her off.

Maybe you could cheer her up, you know?

In your own special way, like last summer.

That's in the past and staying there.

PJ knows nothing about it, so zip it.

If you lads need any advice on your lady friends,

just, you know... I'm happy to help.

Wooo! Kim!

Over here!

I'm not saying I've got the relationship thing

totally worked out, but I've totally got it worked out.

Sure you do!

Maybe we should keep moving.

Pleased to meet you, Sir.

See where Kimberley gets her looks from.

That line probably works better on mums.

Dad, this is, umm...