A Creepshow Holiday Special

Hi.

- Sorry, sir, this is a private meeting.

Uh, this is SA, right?

Yeah.

Can I come in?

It's invitation only.

Let--um, Landis.

What?

Landis.

Right? Isn't that the-- the password?

No.

That was last week's password.

- Well, that--that's the password

that was given to me, so...

- Who told you? - It's kind of complicated.

Could--could I just come inside, please?

Sorry, can't let ya in.

Wait, wait, wait.

I've got cookies and doughnuts.

- Thanks.

Now beat it. - No!

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen!

I'm the Naperville Ripper.

Then go to the cops.

- I can't. I need help.

And you may be the only ones who know what's going on.

Okay? There's some seriously weird shit is happening

to me right now.

Please, I have nowhere else to go.

Listen, when he called the hotline,

Zella said he was kind of a douche.

Zella, the woman on the phone?

The one who thinks she's a squirrel?

I mean, uh--

Hey, come on, Scott, lighten up

and let the poor guy in.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Scott.

- Welcome to Shapeshifters Anonymous.

I'm Irena Reed, chapter president.

- Oh, yeah, hi, I-- - Ooh.

- It's a beautiful basement.

Thank you.

So, uh, what's your name?

- Oh, I thought this was anonymous.

- Oh, the founders thought that Shapeshifters Anonymous

had more gravitas.

- Gravitas? - Mm-hmm.

You know, depth.

Sorry, I'm a schoolteacher, and it's one of

our vocab words this week.

When this group was created, they thought that

Shapeshifters Anonymous sounded better than any

of the other potential options.

We were this close to be called Shapeshifters R Us.

Okay.

My name is Robert Weston,

and I have been having a very hard time--

- Mm-hmm. - --lately and I don't know

where else to turn, so--

- Well, we find it best to start at the beginning.

About three months ago--

this is gonna sound kind of weird, but I started

finding strange things in my, uh, toilet.

I've never had any health problems before, actually,

I think I'm in pretty good shape, but this threw me.

I couldn't quite figure out what it was.

I mean, it was sort of like little white stones

and bits of fabric.

The doctor asked me to bring in a sample of my, um,

my--my stool.

Mr. Weston?

Okay, I have to ask the obvious first,

have you been eating little stones or strips of fabric?

Not that I know of.

- Uh, has your diet changed recently,

eating anything new or exotic?

Says it started three months ago.

Intermittent? - Two or three times a month.

But then everything's fine.

- And you're finding unusual things in your stool.

- Every--every time I go to the bathroom, yeah.

- Mm, well, let's take a look.

You--you have a roommate?

Anybody that likes to play practical jokes?

I, uh--I live alone.

You drink?

- Um... - Use drugs?

Deep breath. -

I have the occasional beer.

- Uh-huh. -

- You ever drink too much, black out?

- There have been a few times where things have

gotten fuzzy, kind of like-- --sleepwalking, I guess.

Ooh! - Oh, hang on.

I think I found something.

- Doc. - Alright, hang on.

Jesus.

And now we are getting somewhere.

Let's see here.

Looks like we have a coat button.

A piece of a zipper.

And 20, 40, 63 cents in change. Uh.

I didn't eat those things.

- Well, had to end up inside you one way or another.

Well, just count yourself lucky.

I once had a patient who, while sleepwalking, logged

into an internet casino, lose $78,000.

- And he came to see you about his sleepwalking?

- Oh no, he came to set his broken nose

after his wife found out.

Look, I--I don't--I don't think it's anything serious, alright.

I--I'll prescribe a mild sleep aid to help you

with your late-night snacking.

You might just wanna go through your place and, you know,

get rid of anything that looks...tasty.

Now, I know, I have an associate--

- Let me guess. They recommended a shrink.

Yeah, how'd you know?

- Because they're fucking idiots,

and they don't know anything.

- So, how did the murders come into play?

The Ripper has been a very busy boy these days.

What do you remember?

I don't remember anything.

I just--I--I have these blackouts, and then I wake up

and things I find are...gross.

- I'm actually really surprised that you didn't

go to the cops.

You seem like a really straight-up guy.

I am.

I'm not a murderer, I-- - Hey.

Maybe we should just start the meeting.

Um, everyone, this is Robert Weston.

- Sorry, they're not very social when there's food

in front of them. -

Is this for real?

- Well, do you believe that you're a therianthrope?

A person who changes into an animal when the moon is full?

I mean, I don't know.

A couple days ago, I didn't believe in any of this.

So now I'm at a support group for werewolves,

and it's a little-- - Is that what you turn into?

A wolf?

What else is there?

- I'm a were-cheetah. -

A were-cheetah? - Mm-hmm.

- Is that why you wore the blouse?

- Oh no, no, I just--I-- I actually turn

into a cheetah. Rrruh.

Okay.

- Which is really ironic, because, you know,

I'm a schoolteacher.

And...we expel cheetahs.

Get it?

- Okay, I think I'm gonna go.

- Hey, no, you shouldn't leave.

- Why not? This is ludicrous.

I mean, have you not heard what I have been saying to you?

I think I am killing people.

Like, innocent people.

Yes, I get it.

But if you are what you think you are...

then you belong here with us.

Now, please.

Continue, please.

- When I first started figuring out what was going on,

I started doing some research,

and I found the hidden URL, and I called the hotline,

and talked to Zella, and that's how I found...

you guys. - Mm-hmm.

- Those--those people that I killed--

They were all bad people.

I mean, one was a mobster.

There was a sex offender.

A thief, another was a defense attorney that

defended child molesters.

So if you think about it, you actually made the world

a slightly better place.

I mean, given a choice, therianthropes usually

choose the wicked over the good.

The creatures inside of us, we--we just--

we find evil tastier.

Well, that--that is...

a big relief. -

- Wow. god, that's good to know.

So, um...

who is everybody?

- Oh, uh, that's Scott Howard, ex-Marine.

He's a were-tortoise.

- A were-tortoise? - Mm-hmm.

Like you turn into a turtle?

Yeah.

- With the scales and the shell that is your home?

That's the one.

- Do you shrink down, or are you full size?

Full size.

Do you eat people?

No.