The Chaser's War on Everything

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Good evening and welcome to the war.

Congratulations, you are part of the 80% of Australians

that couldn't be bothered watching the Commonwealth Games tonight.

Well done.

And Craig, I'm not myself tonight.

I'm going out of my mind, I'm cracking up.

What is it?

You know how there's that new show on Channel 10 called

Everybody Hates Chris.

Every time I see its name on billboards or in TV guides,

it really makes me paranoid.

I think it's always referring to me.

I think everybody hates me.

Don't be pan, I'm Chris, everyone does hate you.

Stop.

I turn the TV on there, it is again, people holding up signs saying,

I hate Chris.

It's not good for my steam, Craig.

My fragile eager can't take it much longer, so I thought,

enough is enough.

I had to go to Channel 10 and do something about it.

If you're interested, if you can change the name of the show

Everybody Hates Chris, can you make it Everybody Hates Craig?

I'm not the position to make it.

But thank you for that, you're going to pass the bar to the manager.

Or even like everybody hates chairs.

Or something like that.

Because I just, you know, I can't handle this much longer.

Because at least everybody can kind of tolerate Chris.

Or some people hate Chris, but most people sort of think

he's not such a bad word.

I want you to change it.

Everybody hates Rove.

I've seen the figures, it's clear that they do.

Can you change it?

I like that, didn't I?

Everybody hates Rove 7 o'clock this Sunday on 10.

Just think about it, I'm actually sorry Channel 10 doesn't have the Commonwealth Games.

Because I would have loved to have watched the up late Commonwealth Games show with Hot Dogs.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm going to 10 have the games, I do it much more like that Friday night games show.

And like, you know, in the swimming liby lantern with the dodging cream pies.

Lord, by former Big Brother, how exactly?

In fact, life Big Brother, actual talent would have nothing to do with the results.

Because every medal in every sport would just be decided by an SMS call.

Yeah, at least Aussie Bogans would still win, of course.

But it would make it more popular as well.

Because at the moment, I mean, no one really cares about the corners games.

I mean, they couldn't even sell all the seats to the opening ceremony.

They had to give away 5,000 tickets for free.

I know, why didn't they just fill the stands,

fill the homeless people?

They shunted out of the city.

Exactly, I mean, they did the same thing on the Sydney Olympics.

They did all the homeless people.

But in Melbourne, you're really worried about visitors seeing unsightly things.

It's not the homeless you need to cover up.

It's a Federation Square.

Or Darryl Summers.

Exactly.

You actually said the latest on this this week,

the motel beds that Brax provided for the homeless.

There weren't actually enough of them.

So we decided to visit some of the homes in Melbourne suburbs to find a new solution.

We're going to be a problem with the Commonwealth Games coming up.

There's too many homeless people on the streets.

Yeah.

I'm wondering, do you think you could build it a couple of them here,

just for the couple of weeks while the games are going on?

No, I can't help them.

I can't help them.

You can't help them?

What about, could we maybe let them sleep in the car out here?

Ah, you're aching.

Yeah.

I'm actually got my father and I live over the moment.

Are you willing to kick out the father and law for some homeless people?

No, no, I'm doing a bit of painting for me at the moment.

So, get some trade specific homeless people.

You know, some people are some homeless.

Then the father and the woman's gone.

So you want to take a few homeless at this place?

No, no.

Just have to like cats as well.

I've got a couple of cats.

And we have one to replace the ornamental cat.

Just for to...

An ornamental homeless person.

An ornamental homeless person.

What about, I notice here you have a park bench in your front yard.

I'd like to welcome to the park bench, I think.

Yeah, so we can put a homeless person here for the...

Yes.

Just for the duration of the game.

Yes, and they'd probably feel a bit at home, yeah.

It's good, it comes with a urinal there as well, I see.

Yes, it's good, it comes with a urinal there as well, I see.

Or a baptismal font.

I know, I've got a shed out there back.

You've got a shed out there back.

Yeah, can we have a look?

Yeah, sure.

Can we shed a kid's shower for you?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, you could fit some over there.

You know me?

Yeah, you're showing up.

You should be around already homeless.

Oh, no, it's a bit of a bloke in here.

We could fit one in there.

We could.

You need to clean up a bit, I'm in the homeless way.

And you know, it's still...

That's still a standard.

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

It's even got a couch for them.

Yeah.

Put some shelving in top of the stack them.

There's room with the new Tunie cats up the back.

There's heaps of room.

Oh, look at this.

This is great.

And it comes with water and food as well.

Twice daily.

Twice daily.

Oh, this is very luxurious.

Only for two weeks, yeah.

Just for the car tour.

Oh, of course.

Then you can put it back on the street.

It's part of the spirit.

Exactly.

It's part of the spirit of the car games.

The temporarily overlook social problems.

Oh.

Yeah, fit.

In a nation terrorised by its own government.

Our next show is going to be about Senator McCart.

We're going right after him.

Six extraordinary Americans dare to tell the truth.

We will not walk in fear.

This is no time for men who oppose.

Senator McCarty's methods to keep silent.

And risk everything they had.

Gentlemen.

McCarty wants a right of reply.

Give him April 6th.

To fight for freedom, liberty,

and the right to smoke like chimneys.

You realize what you're doing here.

You're giving us all lung cancer.

Good night and good lung cancer.

Beating McCarty was easy.

Beating death was much harder.

It was much harder.

There's been a very unfortunate spate recently of old people dying in their homes.

Very sad stuff.

A lot of people not even found for months after they died.

It's awful.

It's getting to the point now actually where old people are so scared.

They're refused to stay in their homes.

Terrible.

Talkbackland's been going crazy about these people berating other people for not checking out on their old neighbours.

I reckon there's a real double standard here.

You don't check up on your old neighbour and that's heartless.

I check up on one hot chick next door and that's stalking.

What is going on?

There is no justice Julian.

But look, now they're calling me heartless.

No way.

Because I've started my own community service now.

And I'm going to make sure that no one ever dies undiscovered again.

I'm just checking if you're dead man.

Are you dead?

Are you dead?

Are you dead?

Dead.

Dead.

Yes.

No, not dead.

I'm just doing random things.

We're just doing random death tests around the neighbourhood.

People have been dying and no one's been checking up on them.

I'm not sure if you guys have been seeing all the news here.

I'd rather you or your dog planning to die in the near future.

I don't want to think I'm going to die.

How often should I come back to check on your men?

I don't care.

I was still here.

So I'll come back in a few minutes.

Check if you're dead then.

Yeah, right.

Okay, no worries.

I'll say it in.

We're dead.

How long have you been dead for?

Oh, dead or dead?