Rules of Engagement

That whole bag of pretzel nuggets with the peanut butter inside is gone.

I just bought it yesterday.

Did you want some?

I guess not.

Worked out perfect.

I can't believe we're finally seeing this movie.

We're probably the last couple in Manhattan who hasn't seen...

What? Is it over?

No, it's not over.

It hasn't even started. You were asleep.

I wasn't sleeping. I was just concentrating really hard.

Why did you even rent the movie if you were too tired to watch it?

Isn't it obvious? So that I could be a part of this conversation.

I mean, come on, it's barely 9:00.

Hey, I was up at 6:30 this morning. You slept till well past 7:00.

I was pretending, 'cause I know why you woke up at 6:30.

Well played.

Then, by the way, you used up all the hot water.

Well, I wouldn't have had to take such a long shower

if you hadn't pretended to be asleep.

Well played.

It's fine. If you're tired, just go to bed.

The only thing I'm tired of is you bugging me while I'm trying to watch this movie.

Now let's do this.

Fine.

3x07 "Old Timer's Day"

- You're really only thinking of yourself. - I am not. I'm thinking of us.

Well, I'm thinking of shooting myself because the suspense sure isn't killing me.

- What's going on? - It's private.

She went off the pill, and now I have tuse condoms.

When do we get to "private" on your word-of-the-day calendar?

Now, you said you wear condoms, plural.

You do know it's one at a time, right? You do know that.

Yes, yes, I know. The thing is, it's just less fun.

I make sure I'm always prepared.

Oh, that's considerate, to have slightly less of you actually touching her.

Yes, and I get the ribbed kind, for her pleasure...

Although I do wear them inside out.

I have taken care of birth control since we met.

Since the night we met.

Yeah. Yeah. Way to make him work for it.

Well, hey, in her defense, she was totally wasted.

I was not.

Um, being sober doesn't make you look any better in this story.

Hey, I have an idea for birth control... I stop having sex with you.

- But would you still... - No.

- Yeah, but could I possibly... - Nope.

Well, then that's a terrible idea.

Why is it always assumed that protection is the woman's responsibility?

It's from the Bible.

Corinthians.

From now on, if you want to know me,

thou shalt sheath thy sword.

Sword.

Check out this photo I took last night of old man Jeff.

Audrey, it's not that funny.

Aw, look at you with your bifocals down at the end of your nose.

Yeah, all snuggled under your afghan.

She put that stuff on me last night.

- He kept falling asleep during a movie. - I did not.

Uh, right, he kept falling asleep before a movie.

You look like my grandfather.

He's dead.

Look, I don't care what my age is.

I haven't lost a step at home, work,

or the battlefield.

- The battlefield? - Sadly, he's referring to his softball league.

Hey, I tell you what... why don't you come to my next game?

- You can see for yourself. - Yeah, no thanks.

Last game I went to, the team put me in charge of beer distribution.

I was the beverage bimbo.

Hey, bevy bim is an important position.

I like that name. Hey, Doreen.

How about I start calling you "the bevy bim"?

Try it. See how it goes.

Die! Die, you idiot!

- We haven't started the game yet. - I know. You're taking so long.

So die. Die, you idiot.

What is that smell?

What smell?

- Oh, dude. - I didn't.

Seriously, you don't smell that?

- I don't. - God,

you never smell anything. What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with her?

Well, since she went off the pill, her hormones are all out of whack.

She's snapping at everything.

- You left dirty dishes again, didn't you? - No.

Then what's this?

Dirty dish.

Doing good.

You don't want to clean up? You don't want to wash your dishes?

You want to sit around and play video games with your moron little friend?

There, now you never have to wash it again!

Make a break for it.

You only lose the engagement ring and a little pride.

I don't know what to do, man. Every little thing sets her off.

Yeah, dude, that's scary.

I remember when I was a little kid,

my dad wouldn't come,

so my mom would get mad, and she'd start drinking vodka.

And then she'd wear this see-through nightie, so everyone could see through it.

Get in here right now!

Cover yourself up, mommy!

All right, all right!

This is Evan.

- He's the new guy on the team. - Audrey Bingham?

Wow, the guys say you were, like, the best bevy bim ever.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, yeah, she could haul beer like a clydesdale.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

- A clydesdale? - What? It's a very regal animal.

Why did I even come here?

That's probably what Evan's thinking, poor kid.

Sits on the bench 'cause he plays the same position as me.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to go conduct a little batting clinic.

Ah, my back!

Man, you look like you're in a lot of pain.

Should I call the bevy bim?

Okay, babe. You want me to get the heating pad again?

No, uh, the thing burned all the hair off my back.

Really?

Maybe we should let it take a run at your ears.

Oh, sure. Kick me while I'm down.

Today I was looking in there, and I was thinking, "how can he even hear?"

Why are you so bummed? You've injured yourself before.

Yeah, diving for a ball, sliding hard, not sneezing.

Sorry, it was a little funny.

Uh, not to me. I'm not ready to be creaky old man yet.

What's next... I slip in the tub, I break my hip?

Jeff, you're not old.

Do you want me to put down some of those rubber traction daisies in the tub?

I really think you're overreacting.

Sneezing, Audrey.

One sneeze, two guys had to help me off the field.

All right, at the risk of being burned at the stake as a heretic, isn't it just softball?

No, it's not just softball.

It's a field of honor where warriors face off against each other.

It really looks like softball.

Look, Audrey, playing ball makes me feel like I'm in my prime,

and a lot of these younger guys look up to me like I'm their hero.

Oh, sweetie,

you're my hero.

Thanks.

I wish that helped in any way at all.

So, anyway, that's how I learned you never mail a letter without a stamp.

At the beginning, I thought that story might be interesting,

but I was a lot younger then.

Do you guys hear that?

Hear what?

There's a sound. It's driving me crazy.

Was it the sound of my beard growing during Adam's story?

No, it's adisgusting,

slurping, smacking noise,

making want to punch somebody.

Wait, are you chewing gum?

I... I'm sorry. I'm just too annoyed to be here.

- I'm just gonna go home. - Yeah, you know, honey, go home. Just relax.

Stop telling me what to do!

Who would've thought that your stamp story would've been the most pleasant part of our meal?

I know this is weird,

but when she gets all nuts like this, I find it kind of hot.

Maybe it's 'cause you were raised by filthy hippies.

Maybe it's because everything was so "mellow" growing up

that "crazy" is so unknown to you,

gets you excited.

It could be. It could be. All I know is that I am hot for her.

But she gets so mad at me, there's no way I can turn that into sex.