Mrs Brown's Boys

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

What's wrong with you, Grandad?

I haven't slept for three days.

Hello!

I'm just doing a bit of cleaning.

I'm just about to take a break.

God, I say cleaning like it was a hobby. It's not.

Shut up, you feckin' mutt!

I'd better feed him. Hold on.

Here, Spartacus!

When I...

Oh, Jesus, I never opened the feckin' thing.

Here, Spartacus!

I had six children I reared on my own and they weren't as much trouble as you!

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Cleaning.

Well, it's not as if it goes unnoticed.

I had a local priest, Father Quinn, round the other day.

He took one look at the house, he said,

"Mrs Brown, yourself and God keep a lovely home."

I said, "Thank you, Father", but I'm thinking,

"You should see it when God has it on his own."

I feel like I've always been cleaning.

When I was 18, I married his son, Redser Brown,

because of a condition I had called pregnancy.

The next day, I started cleaning.

- Hiya, Mammy! - Hello, Cathy, love.

Ah, Grandad looks peaceful.

Doesn't he?

Heading out on the big date, love?

It's not a big date, Mammy. It's just a quiet drink.

Quiet drink. That's what all men say.

They think vodka's a lubricant to get your knickers off easy.

You may laugh, but I'm telling you,

one minute you're sipping piney coladies, the next thing

your legs are up in stirrups with the doctor shouting, "Don't push till I tell you!"

I'll keep that in mind, so.

- You do that. - Ah, why do I bother?

Right, I'm off,

Do you want a cup of tea before you go, love?

No, Mammy. Sure, I'm running late.

Don't be breaking your neck, he'll be feckin' late as well.

Did Daddy always come late?

That's none of your feckin' business!

See you later!

- Cathy, love! - Yes, Mammy?

You look fantastic.

Thanks, Mammy.

Keep them on!

I'm not just a cleaner.

I have a market stall as well.

I sell fruit and vegetables. I suppose I'm a businesswoman.

I don't like customers who come and just poke.

They come over and maul your fruit without any feckin' reason whatsoever.

I say to them, "Missus, that's a banana, not a willy."

"It won't get bigger if you squeeze it!"

There goes Happy Feet.

I better go in and see what's happening in the North Pole.

Hello, Dermot, son.

Hello, Mammy.

What are you promoting this week?

- Chocolate biscuits. - Oh, lovely.

What kind?

Kit Kats.

Dermot, love.

What's wrong, love? Why are you such a sad little penguin?

You're not in trouble with the law again, are you?

No, Mammy. It's Maria.

- Ah, the lovely Maria. - We've broken up.

Bitch. I never liked her.

- What did she do? - She's not a bitch, Ma.

- And she didn't do anything, it's just... - Yes?

To be honest, Mammy, I'd rather not talk about it right now.

I understand.

So what happened?

Mammy, I'm not talking about it!

Fine.

Do you want a cup of tea?

No. I'm only on a quick break.

Well, if it's only a quick break, you should slip into the fridge and relax.

Slip into the...

- It's very late to be studying. - Hi, Mammy.

I can't sleep, worrying about Dermot and Maria.

Cathy.

I have to say, you amaze me with the amount of work

and persistence you put into everything you feckin' do.

And I know I'm biased. You're my only daughter.

But the man who gets you will be... He'll be the luckiest man on earth.

Not bad for a widow bringing up a girl on her own, eh?

Am I right?

Sorry, Mammy?

Nothing, it doesn't matter.

Cathy, what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria?

Mammy, it's best if we all just butt out and let them sort it out themselves.

What do you want, Grandad?

I don't feel well!

You're 92, you're not supposed to fuckin' feel well.

- Mammy. - What?

Maybe he really is sick.

Don't take any chances. Call the doctor.

A doctor? At 80 euro a visit?

He's no health insurance, Cathy. At least he's insured for a buckin' funeral.

Mammy!

Fine. I'll call the doctor.

This is all because of his feckin' budgie.

- His budgie? - He found him dead this morning.

Well, he must be upset.

He's at that age, love.

His budgie dies, he's sure he's going to be next.

With a bit of fuckin' luck!

It's a sharp pain across the shoulders and down the spine.

- How long has he had it? - Not him. Me!

Mrs Brown, I'm here to examine Grandad.

You're wasting your time with him, he's fucked.

It's only a matter of time, isn't it, Grandad?

Am I dying?

Yes. Friday.

So, what is it? What's wrong with him, anyway?

I'll have to run some tests.

Tests! More feckin' money.

I'll need a sample of his urine, and a sample of his stool.

What'd he say?

He wants your underpants.

Grandad, I need you to close your mouth when I put it in.

He's never heard that before!

I'm afraid I'll have to do a rectal reading.

Ooh!

Can you help me, Mrs Brown?

With fuckin' pleasure.

Come on, Grandad!

The doctor has a surprise for you!

Would you like a cup of tea, Doctor?

I wouldn't mind another one of these.

It's in the kitchen.

I'll get you a cup of tea, Grandad.

I wish you could see it from this side!

You look like a big fuckin' toffee apple.

Ooh!

Grandad! What are you doing there in that state? Come on, fix yourself!

Now, sit down.

No!

Grandad! Come on.

- Sit down. - No! No! No!

Now...

Now, Grandad, isn't that much better?

Grandad!

What are you doing?

Come on, Grandad. Now we're going to play "treasure hunt"!

No, Mrs Brown, I'm afraid it's gone.

Gone? I'm not paying for that!

Now, wait a minute, er, gone?

Is that bad? Is that dangerous?

Well, get him into hospital today.

We'll explore the cavity then.

- Explore the cavity? - What?

He's going potholing.

- Goodbye, Mrs Brown. - Goodbye, Doctor.

Now, you've heard of Doctor Dolittle,

there goes Doctor Do-Fuck-All!

You're going to hospital, Grandad.

And you're not coming fuckin' back.

- Mammy. - Yes, love?

Did you see me psychology magazine? I left it down here last night.

No, love, and if you left it on that armchair,

it's probably up his arse.

Arse like a fuckin' Dyson he has!

Cathy, there has to be something I can do about Dermot and Maria.

Mammy.

As I said, we all need to just butt out.

I want to be involved.

I want to be a leader, Cathy! I want to be like your man in Iran,

Mahmoud Momamma Jibbidi Get Back Up Again.

Mammy, of all people, you stay out of this. I mean it.

Promise me you won't interfere.

Okay!

Me? Interfere?

- Biscuit, Maria? - Thank you.

Ah, I cut the edges off, so they fit in the mug.

Oh. I see.

So, Maria, why are you torturing my son?

Excuse me?

Well, you've obviously done something to upset him.

How can we make it right?

Maybe if you apologise?

Me? Apologise?

That's the spirit, love!

Mrs Brown, I have no idea what Dermot has told you about what's going on, but...

Maybe I should say I'm sorry all right, sorry I ever met him.

Sorry I allowed myself to fall in love with him, and sorry I ever got involved with his family.

And sorry that he has to put up with such a domineering matriarch as you!

I was hoping for something shorter than that.

Dermot, you're home, just in time.

- Maria has something she wants to tell you. - You have?

Yeah. I hope you and your mother will be very happy together!

Keep it short. Keep it short.

Now get stuffed!

Do you want a cup of tea, love?

What the hell happened here, Mammy?

What the hell happened? She came here, sat down...

All the biscuits... She had and dunked...