Scrubs

Dr. Dorian?

Katie, we've been over this.

It's inappropriate to interrupt an attending while he's hitting that.

Particularly while he's hitting it good.

Turk and I used Katie as a messenger service.

Dr. Turk liked the dry honey that he had taken.

He had never seen himself as a deep sea diver before.

Awesome! And go back and say, JD says you're welcome.

And here's a little something for your bottom.

Oh, and he wanted me to ask you if you wanted to go to the batting cages after work.

Remind him I don't like to do things that I'm not good at.

Yeah. That's why we don't have sex much.

That hurt me so much, I lost my breath a little.

Ooh! Barbara.

Can you please put Mrs. Newell on a 150mg of Clindamycine?

Can't we use Azythromycine instead?

That way she only requires one dose instead of four

and I won't have to be running around all day.

- Interesting. - Interesting.

Elliot didn't think it was interesting,

so they went to the person who settled all disputes between nurses and physicians.

Okay, I'm glad you guys didn't let this escalate.

Elliot, I bet you didn't know that on weekends,

Barbara was a semi-professional kick-boxer.

I did not.

Still, doctors decide all prescription orders and... you know that.

Hi-ya!

Oh, my God! Did she just kick that ceiling top?

Oh, yeah. She's really good.

A little about time, champ. Beer me.

No problem. Just remember our deal: I bring the beer

and you don't tell anybody that we are now spending time together.

You're the new chief, I'm the old chief who bettered and gotten you through it.

I was gonna hit four and be a doctor like I have my entire career.

Well, you can kiss that idea good-bye.

I spend so much time behind that desk dealing with red tape,

my behind still has the imprint of the chair.

You want to see? Since we're friends now, I can show you my butt.

Bob, I saw it 5 years ago at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party

and I am still recovering. Honest to God,

there are times when I close my eyes, and it's... just there.

That still doesn't change the fact that you are

going to spend most of your day trapped in that office.

Look, there are a few key differences between us.

For instance, I know that white leather shoes are never gonna be "classy".

I believe that a yard should have trees, not gay little angel fountains.

And I damn sure am not gonna be stuck in my office all day long.

Enid picked up the damn fountains. I don't even like 'em.

Bob?

Fine. I like to pretend that they're friendly stone people.

Alright, I'm... partial to the one with the tiny grains and the flowers for hair.

That's Leslie.

Dr. Turk wanted me to give you this.

I warned you about abusing interns.

That'd better be not another stupid drawing.

Elliot, please. Turk just wanted me to look up a study about

intra-operative beta blockade to prevent post-operative complications.

- Really? - No.

He took a picture of me and Photoshopped it on cactus hands.

Look at me! I can't touch anything I love without hurting it.

Do not do him any more personal favours.

Okay.

Alright... Honey-Had-It.

What are you talking about?

It is my first official day as Chief of Medicine and...

Sure, you've set up some elaborate, annoying spectacle.

I didn't do anything.

As s'pose that giant cake has nothing to do with me.

No, that's cause Colonel Doctor has two years sober.

Puh-lease. Just, go ahead and do whatever it is that you're gonna do

so I might get to work.

Come on! Think of something!

That was actually pretty impressive there, Newbie.

- Thank you for that. - You're welcome, Perry.

How lucky was that!

Why are you playing bongos?

It's Monday. Monday is Bongo Day.

VO Transcript And Major Edits By: VeRdiKT

"My New Role"

I just had to come see it for myself.

You are the Chief of Medicine.

I know.

It is great to see someone other than Kelso behind that desk.

Ted?

This is the first time I've been allowed to use the couch.

Dr. Kelso always made me stand.

Even when I had thigh reconstruction surgery.

His dog, Baxter, ate the lower-half of my hand sprain.

Oh yeah. That was gross.

Go and make yourself comfortable, pal.

So I hope you don't mind my barging in.

You gotta be kidding me. Infact, Ted,

go ahead and put Carla on the "Always Allowed In" list.

You got it.

Too comfortable, Ted.

Thanks, sir. I need boundaries.

So, you... have a list of who can and can't come in here.

There's the "Always Allowed In" list,

the "Sometimes Allowed In" list, and the "Never, Ever,

"Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever-hee, Ever" list.

Who's on the "Never, Ever, Ever, Ever"?

Dr. Dorian at your service.

- How was your weekend, Howie? - Well, I bought some new soap,

but it turns out I was allergic to it.

Tried to get a refund, but I lost my receipt.

I was hoping you'd just say fine.

Okay, let's start rounds over here.

Mr. Vaughn, how are you today, sir?

Pretty good, but could you have the maid send some fresh towels?

Mr. Vaughn has pneumonia. He was touch-and-go there for a while,

but you're bouncing back. You're gonna be out of here any day now.

I hope not.

It's nice being with people for a change.

We like having you around too, sir.

If you need anything, you'll let us know.

- What the hell is that? - Some stupid gift from the Board.

It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.

- There's a hybrid in the parking lot. - I might have read the date wrong.

- So where do am I gonna hang it? - Somebody else's office.

Are you trying to stop me from doing my job?

How would you feel if I tried to stop you from...

Taking patients' wallets after they died.

Doctors don't do that.

Look at you, sticking with the plan.

Just put it some place, will ya?

Oh, I gotta go.

- I'll go with you. - Chiefs can do that?

I'm gonna stay in here all day,

I wanna get out and see people, check on patients,

maybe make an intern cry.

Actually, Dr. Cox, you need to look for over the (hygiene) paperwork

and these nursing home transfer requests.

See you later.

What are you doing there, Ted?

Dr. Kelso always used to sign his paperwork on my back.

It's not so bad, I imagine it's what a hug feels like.

- Is it? - I'm not gonna hug you, Ted.

Oh.

Hey Carla.

Next time you hang with Dr. Cox,

maybe instead of breaking each other's hair, you could talk to him

about making some new hire

so we don't have to work forced overtime.

Why is Nelly giving you so much attitude?

Even though I'm the Head Nurse,

I mostly hang with doctors,

I'm married to a doctor, my best friend is a doctor.

Who's your best friend?

You are.

I know. I just wanted to hear you say that loud.

The point is: Nurses sometimes think

I'm on the wrong team.

How could they think that?

You're like the most loyal person I know.

Except for the time that you boo-ed me off the stage at the karaoke bar.

Elliot, you're not allowed to sing 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot'.

I can hit those low notes.

Sure, that's why.

Look, most nurses feel under-appreciated,

especially by doctors.

It's not that bad here, is it?

You know what the M.D. at the end of this badge means?

It means, I Make the Decisions.

You got that, missy?

I'll see you at home.

And sometimes, it's not even that subtle.

My post-op patient is still going in-and-out of consciousness.

You know what I'd like to go in-and-out of?

Disrespecting-nurses five!

They're booting Mr. Vaughn.

His insurance won't pay for him to stay here any longer.

He lives all alone. He's not ready to take care of himself, yet.

You know, I'd like to uphold Dr. Cox. Let me handle this.

Mr. Vaughn is such a sweetie.

You wish you could just bring him home and take care of him yourself?

You're late.

Not five seconds in the door,

and it's already No. 3 on Mr. Vaughn's Greatest Hits.

You know, why stop there, Franck?

Coming in at No. 2: "You Never Introduce Me To People At Parties".

And at the top of the charts, as always,

"What About My Feelings?"

I only say those things because I love you.

Well, you've got a funny way of showing it.

You know what? That might be a little weird.

And how many catheters do we normally order?

We'll just order that.

Great.

And there we go.

What d'ya think?

Why?

Because, now you can see the back of it.

See? Life is more interesting when you look at the back of things.

Women, that's obvious. Baseball cards,

puppet shows...

Plus, you get the 3-D effect.

Look at this.

Hey, what's that off on the distance, a hospital of some sort?

Oh, it is a hospital!

No. Never mind. It took off again.