Seinfeld

I really feel, as human beings,

we need more training in our basic social skills,

conversational distance.

Don't you hate these people that talk to you,

they talk into your mouth, like you're a clown at a drive-thru?

And handshakes is the worst.

There's absolutely no guidelines for handshakes.

You know how many people--? Too strong, too weak.

Sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake,

just the fingers.

Early release, late release.

Sometimes people will dispute your release.

You've let go. They're hanging on.

I have actually said to people,

"Hey, the handshake is over."

Too many pumps,

coming in too high.

Too sweaty. From too far away.

Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip,

late release, and pull you in for the too-close conversation.

To him I say, "That's three strikes. You're out."

You know, the timing couldn't be worse.

Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?

You don't understand.

I haven't been together with Rachel for, like, three weeks.

First I was on the road, then my parents show up.

I'm getting a little, uh, backed up.

When are they leaving for Paris?

Not for another three days.

What about her place?

She lives with her parents.

Really?

Hey, maybe this will become, like, a cool thing,

living with your parents.

Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.

Things will all be turning your way.

Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on.

When the aliens come,

who do you think they're gonna relate to?

Who do you think is gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?

The baldies.

Hey, my parents want to have your parents over

for dinner before they leave town.

Good. Then I get the apartment for at least one night.

I'm paying for this whole Paris trip.

It's their anniversary present.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Alec.

Hey, Alec.

This is Joey.

Hey, Joey. How you doing?

Hi.

Hey, listen.

I was wondering if either one of you guys

would be interested in doing some work

for the Big Brother program.

I'm kinda running the local chapter.

What do you say, George?

Well, uh--

Wouldn't you like to be a big brother

to someone like me?

Please?

Well...

Sure, Joey. Sure.

I would be thrilled.

That's great, George. Thanks.

I'll get in touch with you.

Wouldn't you like to be a big brother--?

All right, Joey. That's enough. Let's go.

See you.

What happened?

What could I do?

Did you see the mug on that kid?

Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup

to someone like me?

Please?

Hey, have you noticed they moved

where they do the interview on Jeopardy now?

Yeah, it used to be right in the middle of Single Jeopardy.

Now they do it right after Single Jeopardy.

Yeah. It's much better, isn't it?

Oh, no comparison.

Hey, I gotta stop at the bookstore, to get my parents one of those

French-English dictionaries.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What?

Your parents are going to Paris, right?

Yeah.

So, I tell Alec

that I have to go to Paris

for an undetermined amount of time.

Then all I have to do is buy some postcards

and have your parents mail them from Paris.

What about little Joey?

Who?

I think he's probably better off.

I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program.

So, when you get to Paris, all you have to do is

drop them in any mailbox.

But there are no stamps on these.

Well, no, not yet. You got to buy French stamps.

I'll-- I'll reimburse you, of course.

Why are you doing this?

He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.

Why?

Because George is a deeply-disturbed individual.

Oh, hey. Helen, uh...

could I use some more of your hand lotion?

I told you it was good.

Yeah.

It's from the Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami.

Mm. I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.

Yeah. Or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue

here in New York City.

You can get some there.

Yeah?

Say, those are nice pants.

I got a pair just like them at home.

That doesn't surprise me.

I bought these at Rudy's.

It's a used clothing store.

See, when people like you die...

the widows, they bring in their wardrobes.

They make a bundle.

Really?

My father's got a ton of old clothes,

just sitting up in the attic.

You think they're worth something?

Yeah, if they're vintage...

and you're a widow.

What happens if the husband dies after the wife?

Who brings the clothing in then?

I suppose the children do.

Yes, I suppose they do.

All right. I got a 10:00. I'll see everybody later.

Hey, ooh, I just remembered.

My parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner

before you leave town.

What about tonight?

Tonight?

Yeah. They're making paella.

Uh... Oh, I don't think we can make it tonight.

We have plans.

What plans?

We have plans.

Where did you get plans?

We have plans.

Oh. Well, um... what about tomorrow night?

Maybe.

Okay, uh...

I guess I'll tell them that.

Hey, give them our best, though.

Yeah.

I'll call you later.

Yeah.

So, what plans do you have?

None.

So, how come you're not going over there for dinner?

Jerry, we don't care much for the Costanzas.

We can't stand them.

Really? Since when?

Since always. We've never liked them.

Why?

They're so loud. They're always fighting.

It's uncomfortable. You never noticed?

Oh, I noticed. But they're from your age group.

I didn't think you could detect abnormal behavior

among your own kind.

Well, we do.

Yeah?

It's us.

Oh. Come on up.

It's Elaine. You don't have a problem with her, do you?

We adore Elaine.

She wants to say "Hi" with her new boyfriend.

What's he like?

He's nice. Bit of a close talker.

A what?

You'll see.

I really had no idea that

you felt this way about the Costanzas.

They're exhausting. It's like being in an asylum.

: Hi.

There she is.

Hello, Elaine!

Hi, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Oh...this is Aaron.

Hello, Aaron.

Hello.

Hello, Aaron.

So, how long are you folks in town?

Oh.

Three more days.

Three more days, and then we're off to Paris.

Ah.

We're going with a select charter group.

I love France. I was just there last year.

In fact...you know,

I still have an envelope full of French francs.

I'll give them to you.